Foreign Affairs
by Amrun
Summary: It's easier to die for a country than to live for it. When faced with war, what wouldn't you compromise? NarutoTemari, NaruTema on a technicality.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Manga Compliant up to Chapter 445 and probably beyond. Fair warning: if you're looking for WAFF-y type mess, abandon ship now. I'm rather sadistic and enjoy torturing characters and people in general, but I don't mess with angsty shit either. This story is simply a crack idea fostered into plausibility, because the high is always better that way.

Disclaimer: If I owned _Naruto_, I'm fairly certain far less dues ex machina would occur. Either that or every time Naruto was missing his toothbrush, Yondaime would pop out and have a look 'round.

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto was, without a doubt, slightly intimidated. It was an unfamiliar sensation for him, but he couldn't deny that he was experiencing it. In fact, the last time he could remember feeling anything remotely similar was in Lee's hospital room when Gaara had nearly killed the unconscious boy.

Ironically, he wished Gaara were here now. Where once Gaara's presence had inspired fear, now Naruto took comfort from it. It was funny how things had changed.

At least Gaara was close to his own age. Every other ninja in the room was at least a decade older than the two of them as far as Naruto could tell. Taking in the others once more, he looked around the windowless room. Four Kages were seated at the round table, fully dressed in ceremonial robes. Behind each of them stood one ninja, and one ninja only, with a battle-hardened body and a serious expression on his or her face.

The Mizukage, seated across from Tsunade, seemed to sense his discomfort. "Hokage-dono, is that child truly your second? He seems like he might be wishing for his mother."

Naruto's fear was suddenly forgotten at those words, replaced by seething fury. Straightening his spine, he looked the Mizukage straight in the eye. Though the formal robes covered most of the man's face, Naruto noted that, like Zabuza, the Mizukage lacked any trace of eyebrows. Naruto almost laughed out loud – "Eyebrow-less freak!" was on the tip of his tongue, but he caught himself at the last second. Ridiculing the Mizukage was probably not a good idea, he realized.

"What is your rank, boy?" the man asked, seemingly amused.

Naruto froze, knowing he had to answer. "Genin," he mumbled, cheeks heating in embarrassment.

His reluctant admission was met with uproarious laughter from seconds and Kages alike. Naruto stared at the floor, not allowing himself to react.

"A genin?" protested the Tsuchikage in smiling disbelief. "I know you recently lost some ninja, but I was unaware that the situation was this dire! You should have told us, Hokage-dono. I'm sure one of us would have lent you a jounin for protection during the proceedings."

Tsunade's countenance remained stony as her fellow Kages continued to mock her. "Though a series of circumstances has prevented his official promotion, Uzumaki Naruto has earned the right to stand behind me as my second and guard. He has my utmost trust, and should you ever be unfortunate enough to meet him in battle, you would soon find out exactly why."

Naruto raised his head slowly to stare at Tsunade's blonde pigtails, eyes watering more than was strictly warranted by the slight amount of dust floating in the air. Tsunade had never said anything like that to him ever before, and he wished he could thank her for doing so now, when it counted.

The Raikage, whose laughter had been loud, suddenly sat up a little bit straighter. "Uzumaki Naruto, you say?"

"Yes," was all Tsunade returned.

The Raikage looked thoughtful and Naruto could feel himself being scrutinized. "Hmm. So I see."

The Tsuchikage and Mizukage turned to the large, dark-skinned man in curiosity.

"You've heard of him, then, Raikage-dono?" the Tsuchikage grumbled in his low, smooth voice.

The Raikage nodded slowly. "I'm surprised you haven't. He is – ah – a weapon of note for more than one reason, shall we say."

The Mizukage's eyes lit in understanding. "A jinchuuriki," he stated simply.

Naruto scowled deeply, hating having to endure this more than words could express. Why had Tsunade forced him to come to this again? He had been there when she had told the elders whom she had chosen to represent her at the Kage summit. They had not been happy, wishing for her to take Danzou instead. Tsunade had been furious when they challenged her yet again and Naruto had had no choice but to sit in silence as they lectured her on the importance of keeping "the jinchuuriki" in the village for his own protection. "That is idiocy," she had hissed, shocking the two old bags into silence, "and hypocritical, besides. When the village was attacked,_ you_ are the ones who wanted to keep him away, and don't presume I don't know that it was Danzou who murdered Naruto's messenger frog, interfering with official correspondence. Naruto's presence at the Kage gathering will be a show of strength and will serve a dual purpose of reminding the Kazekage of the benefits of our alliance. I will not bend on this," she had insisted, "and if Danzou still takes issue with my decision, tell him he can challenge Naruto to a duel for the right to be my second. It would be foolish of him to do so, however, and you both know it, though you pretend otherwise."

Naruto's reverie was interrupted by the Tsuchikage. "A jinchuuriki, eh? Showing off that you still have one, Hokage-dono?"

Tsunade couldn't stop herself from banging one hand on the table as she rose halfway in her seat. "That is not why he's here."

"Yes, perhaps not," conceded the Tsuchikage with false congeniality. "If the tales I've heard of Konoha's jinchuuriki are true, then I understand his presence quite well."

"Oh?" the Mizukage queried. "And what tales are those, Tsuchikage-dono?"

"It is said that the Akatsuki's leader that led the assault on Konoha such a short time ago was defeated by the very creature he was sent to capture," he explained, the uncovered portions of his face totally neutral in expression, "but we know how stories can stretch as they travel abroad." He was staring intently at Tsunade, perhaps hoping for an official confirmation or denial of the rumors.

He was not disappointed. "Perhaps some tales grow taller with distance," she said, her light tone of voice belying the gravity of subject, "but not this one, I'm afraid. Naruto was away at the time of the attack, but arrived in time to destroy Pain's six bodies, and later, the bodies' true controller and his partner." She inspected her red fingernails idly. "It is not the first Akatsuki that has fallen at his hands, nor will it be the last."

Naruto could feel himself sweating lightly, now, uncomfortable with this strange turn of conversation. He could not help but note the difference in the others' regard for him. He knew that scornful addresses of "child" or "boy" were now behind him, but their replacement with "creature" and "weapon" was far worse. Despite the veracity of the allegations, Naruto felt shamefully boastful and self-conscious as the eyes of the other Kages inspected him with new calculation behind them.

_Where is Gaara_? Naruto wondered desperately. The meeting could not commence without him, and he was late.

As if on cue, the single door to the room was thrown open. Naruto's hand flew to his weapons pouch instinctively and he observed that his actions mirrored those of the other bodyguards. Naruto, however, relaxed when he recognized Baki, Gaara's old jounin-sensei.

"Kazekage-sama has arrived," Baki announced in a dry, even voice.

Gaara entered behind Baki, noiselessly taking the empty seat to the left of Tsunade. He took a moment to shift slightly so that the gourd of sand fell more comfortably over the back of the chair and then nodded.

The Cloud leader spoke. "As I am the one who has called for this gathering of the Kages, I shall begin. It has been a long time since we last met as a group – far too long. Leadership has since shifted in more than one village, and unfortunate situations have befallen some."  
Naruto felt some eyes cast in their direction and raised his chin in defiance as the Raikage continued. "I include Kumogakure in this, as we have had both of our jinchuuriki snatched from beneath our noses, one of which was my own blood brother." At this point, his already-gravelly voice became laden with emotion that broke through his formal façade. Naruto eyed him with more curiosity, now. The sorrow in the leader's voice at the death of his brother was genuine; perhaps he could look beyond the jinchuuriki to see the person.

"Akatsuki has become a problem for us all, not just Cloud. Sunagakure's own Godaime Kazekage was attacked directly." Out of the corner of his eye, Naruto saw Gaara's frown deepen, but, typically, the Kazekage remained silent. "Konohagakure seemed to have launched a vicious offensive, but that did not prevent the entire village from being recently decimated."

At this unwelcome reminder, Naruto's fists clenched in fury and he sensed Tsunade's ire growing as well. "Get to your point," she bit out, trying to keep the anger from colouring her voice but not finding herself particularly successful.

The Raikage nodded in acquiescence. "This cannot be allowed to continue. Akatsuki must be dealt with, and dealt with now. To do so, we must unite forces. It is the only way."

Naruto found himself liking the large, dark-skinned man that was the Raikage. This meeting was not turning out at all as he had expected. When Tsunade had described the summit to him, he had thought it would involve a lot of political waffling and approaching issues indirectly, but this man was making his intentions clear from the beginning, and Naruto respected that.

Tsunade seemed to agree with him, for she spoke next. "Konoha is willing to discuss terms."

"As is Suna," said Gaara.

Naruto waited for the Tsuchikage and Mizukage to voice their concurrences but they were not forthcoming.

The Mizukage shifted, and all eyes turned to him. "Akatsuki is of no consequence to Mist," the tall man said dismissively.

Tsunade scowled in response. "What of Hoshigaki Kisame? Aren't you ashamed of the blight to your village's name, Mizukage-dono?"

"Hoshigaki will be eliminated in due time," the tall man spat, his eyes sparkling in anger. "If anyone should be ashamed, I would think it should be you, Hokage-dono, for I doubt any other village can boast as many S-class missing-nin in its history."

Naruto fought desperately to keep his chakra, and his rage, in check as he seethed silently at the Mizukage's blatant disrespect. Any significant chakra spike would be perceived as a threat and could endanger international relations, but watching idly as some idiot insulted the old hag was extremely difficult.

"Perhaps that is simply because Konoha has the highest number of powerful ninja, and therefore, proportionally, the highest number of powerful missing-nin," Tsunade replied icily.

"Or perhaps the way of Konohagakure is simply not a satisfying way of life, leading to the highest rate of defection among the Five Great Shinobi Villages," the Tsuchikage interjected, voice smug.

Tsunade's mouth dropped underneath her cloth mask at the accusation, her tawny brows snapping together so quickly that it was almost audible. "How dare –"

The Mizukage, however, did not let her finish her outraged protestation. "I wonder…. If Konoha had been more sensible about blood limits when that discussion first took place, would any of us be having these problems now? Traitors like Uchiha Sasuke would not exist."

A growl escaped Naruto before he could stop himself, and he was imagining how satisfying it would be to punch the words out of that Mizukage's mouth when Gaara finally spoke.

"And neither would traitors like Hoshigaki Kisame exist if Kirigakure had been more thorough in the blood limit purges it so often praises," Gaara intoned flatly. The Mizukage was livid at the implication, but before he could respond, Gaara continued. "Furthermore, if Mist had not abandoned its jinchuuriki like garbage, Akatsuki may not have had the chance to progress to the threat it is today."

The browless Mist leader snarled in fury and appeared to be about to snap a vicious reply when the Raikage attempted to return some semblance of order to the rapidly deteriorating summit.

"Please, let us be civil," he implored. "I would like to return to the issue of Uchiha Sasuke."

Tsunade turned to him, brows knit in confusion. "Uchiha Sasuke? Why?"

The man's broad shoulders squared and his eyes hardened as he responded. "He was among the group of four Akatsuki that abducted my brother and killed at least one Cloud shinobi."

Staring blankly ahead, Naruto could not comprehend what the Raikage had just said. Apparently, neither could Tsunade, because she spluttered, "What? Sasuke has never associated with Akatsuki, as far as we know. In fact, eliminating one of them, Uchiha Itachi, was his life goal until recently. How sure are you of this information?"

The Raikage seemed taken by surprise. "Very sure. You were unaware of this, then? If he was against Akatsuki before, what changed? He was wearing one of their cloaks, and stole a jinchuuriki. He is definitely with them now."

Naruto was shaking with fury by now, his nails digging deeply enough into his palms to draw blood. "That bastard!" he growled. All eyes turned to him in shock, the room suddenly heavy with Naruto's chakra presence. Seconds were not permitted to speak unless spoken to, Naruto knew, but he no longer cared. "He killed Orochimaru. He killed Itachi. He did what he set out to do, so what the fuck is he playing at now? How could he – Akatsuki? That b_astard_!"

"Naruto!" Tsunade hissed in warning. "Get a hold of yourself."

"I apologize, Hokage-sama," he said, though his voice remained hard and unremorseful. Attempting to calm himself, he made an effort to reign in his chakra once more.

Gaara surprised everyone by speaking in his defense. "You must understand…. Uchiha Sasuke was once his comrade, and is now hunting him. It is the ultimate betrayal."

_Of course he gets it_, thought Naruto. He never had to explain such things to Gaara. Gaara's gaze was kind, but from Naruto's right, he could sense the Tsuchikage's stare burning into him in a different way, as he had for most of the time they had been in the same room. As Naruto drew more attention, the feeling of being watched intensified.

The Raikage's eyes, glittering with emotion, were also on Naruto as he spoke his next words deliberately. "I see. So that is why Konoha hasn't dealt with him. Letting him run free so that he would take care of some loose ends for you…. Unorthodox, but effective, I suppose. However, you will answer for my brother's—"

"Raikage-dono, you presume too much!" protested Tsunade. "We have made every effort to capture Uchiha Sasuke! In fact, we have an entire elite squad dedicated to his attainment. Detaining such a highly skilled ninja is not an easy task, as I'm sure you—"

"So am I expected to believe that a village that can eliminate Akatsuki's leader cannot handle one subordinate? There is a lie hidden in that, one way or another—"

"Capturing Uchiha Sasuke is much more complicated than killing him outright, which we do not—"

"Then why have you failed to employ lethal force? You will kill one of your own to keep the peace, but will not kill a missing-nin that has clearly aligned himself against you?"

"Enough!" Tsunade roared. "We would never have been put in that situation if one of your representatives did not kidnap a toddler in order to steal her eyes! How we choose to handle our missing-nin is our business and ours alone."

"Not when they kill my brother, it's not. This is Konohagakure's official notice that from this point on, Kumogakure will be pursuing Uchiha Sasuke with intent to detain and interrogate in regards to his crimes. If that proves to be impossible, we will pursue him with intent to kill."

For a moment, there was silence. Naruto was forced to blink away angry tears at hearing someone so casually discuss killing Sasuke, as if they were merely taking out the trash. This time, though, he controlled himself and did not lash out, waiting tensely for Tsunade's reply.

He did not have to wait long. When she spoke, it was in a quiet, pointed tone of voice that he'd never heard in her before. "If the point of this summit was to unite our villages against Akatsuki, then why are we all so caught up in whose missing-nin did what? As far as I know, Cloud has no missing-nin in Akatsuki, so do they owe nothing?"

The Raikage couldn't help looking a little smug at this, but the Hokage ignored it and continued on.

"Weighing debts with missing-nin, Leaf's debts weigh the most, it is true – but we have also paid the most. Konoha has single-handedly crippled the organization and we will not let our jinchuuriki fall into their hands. However…. None of that matters."

The other Kages were eyeing Tsunade intently, unsure of where she was going with this. "Whether or not they ever acquire Naruto is irrelevant at this point. They are closer than ever to their ultimate goal, which has nothing to do with the bijuu."

Naruto could tell the others were shocked by this piece of information. "I find it hard to believe that they would expend so much effort attaining the bijuu if –" began the Mizukage, but Tsunade cut him off before he could finish.

"The bijuu are merely a means to an end: war. They wish to induce a world-wide, massive conflict that will end shinobi life as we know it." Tsunade paused, letting her fellow Kages absorb this revelation. "After just a few minutes of this torturous meeting, can any of you honestly say that we're not well on our way?"

Naruto was staring at the back of Tsunade's hat-clad head in wonder. Occasionally, especially on those instances when she would get drunk on the job and throw her desk out a window, he could forget just why she made a great Hokage. At times like this, though, he was reminded of her Will of Fire and couldn't be prouder to serve under her.

"The Raikage was right," she continued. "We have all lost ninja to Akatsuki and we are all threatened by its continued existence. To thwart them, we must stand together and end all this petty squabbling. Can we come to an agreement?"

The Mizukage snorted. "I fail to see why Akatsuki would target Kiri as it has Konoha and I do not believe your claim that they are simply warmongering. After we handed over our bijuu, they ceased being a threat to us. Perhaps you should have followed our example?" He pointedly ignored Naruto as he said this. "It would have saved you much trouble. Maybe it's not too late, if you –"

"Don't you dare," Tsunade snarled, "ever utter such a thing in my presence again!"

"Hokage-dono," the Tsuchikage intervened, "whatever makes you think we could all work together against such a force, or that we should? We cannot even sit in the same room for an hour, and the way I see it, Konoha is the only one left with a stake in this."

"It can be done, Tsuchikage-dono," offered Gaara. "And it is imperative that it is done, and quickly."

"Ah, Kazekage-dono, are you so willing to make Suna Konoha's dogs? I will never concede to sacrifice Iwa ninja for Konoha's gain, and I believe one of the many reasons why this is so is right here in this room."

Tsunade seemed generally confused at this sudden turn of events. "Tsuchikage-dono, I am sure that I have no idea what you are insinuating—"

The man turned to her with an impassive face. "If I may address your second?"

Naruto stiffened and shot a look towards Tsunade. Something unidentifiable flitted across her face, but she replied, "You may."

"Young Uzumaki. Are you named after your father, by any chance?"

Naruto turned to face his questioner before answering cautiously. "I believe Uzumaki was my mother's clan."

"Why would that be? Are you a bastard child?"

Naruto's heart pounded in his chest. He had no idea where this is going, but he knew that the outcome could not possibly be good. "No, I am not."

"Why wouldn't you have taken your father's name, then? Who is he?"

Naruto froze in panic. Should he answer? Why would the man have asked, if he didn't already know? But how could he possibly have known when Naruto didn't know himself until the Pain attack? Could Iwa still resent Naruto's father for their losses in the last war?

"Answer me, Uzumaki," the Tsuchikage demanded coldly.

"I, um, I d-don't think – I do not believe I am, ah, at, er, liberty to –" Naruto floundered, completely at a loss for what to do in this situation. He blushed, partially in anger, and partially because he knew he sounded just like Hinata right before she fainted.

Tsunade lost her patience entirely and banged her fist on the huge table, which bounced. "Naruto's father was Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime Hokage."

The Hokage's proclamation was met with shocked silence for a brief moment.

The Tsuchikage, however, did not seem surprised. "And yet he was named for his mother. The deception began at his birth, I see. I had my suspicions from the moment I saw him; they're the spitting image of each other. Exactly how long did you hope to keep him as your secret trump card?"

Tsunade sighed. "I know very well you won't believe me when I say this, but we only recently uncovered his parentage."

"You're right," he returned with a scoff, "I don't believe you. How is that even possible?"

"Obviously, Naruto was born around the chaotic time of the Kyuubi attack. Both of his parents perished in the incident. Even before that, they desired to keep things quiet, presumably to avoid situations such as this one. A choice few knew, but they too died without passing on the secret. We stumbled upon a vague record in the archives only weeks ago." Her face was studiously blank as she further explained. "There were many orphans during that period. No one thought anything of it."

"A likely tale, to be sure. I know a lie when I see one. Anyone can see who his father is if they bother to look at his face. What absurdity."

Naruto's gaze didn't waver from the Tsuchikage's, but internally, his emotions were in chaos. What Tsunade said was, essentially, the truth, though they had not discovered his father through any document, of course. Naruto knew the truth was too hard to explain, and so said nothing.

The Mizukage's voice cut through the tension. "It becomes clear to me that Konoha's word is not to be trusted."

"That's ridiculous!" protested Tsunade. "We never claimed his father wasn't the Yondaime. What does the subject of my second's heritage have to do with anything at all?"

"Iwagakure will never enter into an alliance with the spawn of the Yellow Flash," sniffed the Tsuchikage.

"But why? Naruto is not his father. He has never harmed a single Rock nin."

"Be that as it may, his existence is only one reason of many that we refuse to work with you against the Akatsuki."

"Kiri also must decline. We see no benefit in the potential loss of Mist ninja over the Akatsuki issue. Mist has washed its hands of the Akatsuki, and believes that no more must die if we stay clear."

Tsunade's eyes reflected her resignation. "For your own sake, and for us all, I hope that you are the one proven correct, Mizukage-dono."

"Iwa nin will be instructed to flee all Akatsuki on sight," the Tsuchikage stated with confidence, "but neither will we aid the organization."

"Kiri nin will be given similar instructions," added the Mizukage.

"Kumo will be instructed to actively pursue all Akatsuki members and will attempt to hinder the organization's goals in any way possible," the Raikage said.

"Suna will also actively pursue and foil the Akatsuki," Gaara stated, "and, furthermore, we will share our Akatsuki intelligence with any village who wishes for it."

"As will Konoha," affirmed Tsunade.

"Kumo will also extend the offer of Akatsuki-related intelligence," added the Raikage.

After a brief hesitation, the Mizukage proposed, "In addition, Kiri will report any Akatsuki sightings to the relevant parties."

The Tsuchikage's face remained stony. "Iwa does not think it wise to share intelligence, but does not begrudge the other villages' goals."

A pregnant pause rife with tension permeated the room – until, at last, the Raikage spoke. "If no one else has any business they'd like to discuss, then this meeting is hereby adjourned."

* * *

Author's Note: Before you review, it's only fair to warn any potential readers that my tolerance for stupidity is quite low. I welcome feedback, especially constructive criticism. My goal in writing this, besides pulling wings off of mental flies so that I can giggle, is to improve my ability to see through projects to fruition. If you or your review is worthless, I won't hesitate in telling you so.

Special thanks to Jetslinger, my talented but short-tempered friend, who has put up with months of inane questioning in the vein of "Is this in character?" It's your fault I got into Naruto in the first place, so I blame you, whore. I also extend my gratitude to Mikey and Donovan for similar coping with my unhealthy obsessions. Much love!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Things begin to roll a bit. See end note for information about next update.

* * *

Shodaime. Nidaime. Sandaime. Yondaime. Godaime. Naruto let his eyes wash the stone faces that in turn watched over him, focusing most intently on the last three in line.

The Godaime would be up in her office at this time of day, grumbling about being buried in stacks of documents but completing her paperwork nonetheless. Occasionally, shinobi exposed to the more volatile side of her temper speculated that she was bitter over being tied to a desk and missed her old nomadic lifestyle, but Naruto knew better. He'd seen her at her lowest and most miserable, and knew that despite all of her regrets, in Konoha she was as happy as she could be.

All Naruto had of the Yondaime were second-hand stories and a few adrenaline-and-fear-laced memories that made very little sense in the grander scheme of his life. When he was younger, the Yondaime had been his hero, but now that Naruto knew the Yondaime was his actual father, his emotions were conflicted. No matter how Naruto tried to connect to the man, though he was dead, the Fourth Hokage just didn't _feel_ like his father. Naruto wasn't used to having a family and he wasn't sure how to deal with it. Truthfully, his life had been easier without the knowledge, and the problems his heritage was causing Konoha were simply not worth the trouble.

If Naruto were to be honest with himself, the Sandaime was more of a father-figure to him than his flesh and blood father. The Sandaime was a man whose mistakes weighed heavily on his soul but remained strong and pure-hearted in spite of it all. Naruto didn't know exactly what those mistakes had been – though he had a vague suspicion that some of them involved Naruto himself and, judging by Jiraiya's hints, Orochimaru – but the details were never important. All Naruto knew was that sometimes, in the quietest of moments, the old man had shown his soul in his eyes. That innate honesty is what made him the first person ever that Naruto had been willing to trust as a child.

"Naruto!" someone called from nearby, startling him from his nostalgia. "Hey, Naruto!" the man continued, and Naruto recognized the voice as belonging to Iruka-sensei. "What are you pondering that's so serious, eh? That's not a sight I see every day."

"Just thinking … about Hokage. I miss Jiji," admitted Naruto. Suddenly, Naruto registered the presence of twenty or so children and turned to face Iruka with a bright grin plastered on his face. He was disturbed to see his old teacher staring at him with worry in his eyes. "I was imagining how awesome my face is gonna look up there next to that old lady Tsunade's!" Naruto exclaimed, changing gears quickly.

Iruka smiled, comforted by the return of his old pupil's typical behavior. "I should probably pay the sculptors to make you look extra girly, to get back at you for all the times you defiled the rest of the Monument."

Naruto stared, slack-jawed with shock. "You – you _wouldn't_! That's so unfair, sensei!"

Laughing, Iruka back turned back to his Academy students, who, for the most part, were watching the interaction between the two ninja with interest. "How many of you have ever met Uzumaki Naruto before?"

A couple of the students' eyes widened in recognition, but none volunteered.

"Well, he's someone to remember, so I'll tell you a little bit about him. He studied under the famous Sharingan Kakashi and was apprenticed to Jiraiya-sama of the Three Legendary Sannin. He is also the only known master of the Sage Arts currently in the world, and he single-handedly defeated those that attacked our village such a short time ago. Recently, the Godaime Hokage publicly acknowledged that he is the strongest ninja in the village besides herself by inviting him to attend the Kage summit as her second."

Naruto was blushing furiously, annoyed that Iruka was completely ignoring the hand signals imploring him to stop speech immediately. "Geez, Iruka-sensei. Laying it on a little thick, aren't you?"

"Not at all, Naruto!" Iruka laughed. "Students, Uzumaki Naruto is a ninja worthy of your respect, and if you train hard enough, maybe you'll be as strong as him one day! Now, do you have any questions for him?"

Immediately, a group of girls started squealing and jumping up and down with their hands waving in the air. "Oooh, pick me, Naruto-sama! Pick me!"

"Naruto _what?_" he gasped, alarmed by this mode of address, but ironically found himself ignored in favor of squabbling over who would get a chance to ask a question first.

"Of course he's not going to pick _you_, Izumi. You're the worst in the class!" one girl snapped.

Naruto frowned. "Actually, I graduated last in my class. I even failed the test three times in a row. It doesn't mean a lot, in the end." Noticing Iruka's suddenly stern face, he was quick to add, "But, uh, it's a lot easier if you just learn it right the first time around. Trust me. So you should probably do your homework and stuff…." Glancing briefly over at Iruka, Naruto was pleased to see the chuunin smiling once more, obviously placated.

The students quieted, staring at him in fascination. "How you did someone as powerful as you fail?" called out a boy, broad-shouldered and stocky for his age. "Did you have a blood limit that emerged late or something?"

"Good question," Naruto said, "but no, I don't have any blood limits. I failed because I was a bad student, I guess. If I'd paid more attention to Iruka-sensei I could have passed sooner and probably been stronger by now. But I did start taking things more seriously, eventually, and worked pretty hard after that. You don't need a blood line to become a great shinobi. Anyone can, if you train hard enough. One of the strongest ninja I know can't use ninjutsu or genjutsu at all. To be honest, I've never quite figured out genjutsu myself…." Naruto scratched his head sheepishly. "But _you_ definitely should, since it can damn useful sometimes." Iruka cleared his throat severely as some of the students giggled at Naruto's indiscretion. "Oh, sorry, Iruka-sensei. Anyway, the point is, having a blood limit is great and all, but it doesn't make you better than any other ninja. It's just another tool you have at your disposal. It's how you use it that counts."

The boy thought about this for a moment and nodded, seemingly satisfied. The small gaggle of girls started tittering again and one of them raised her hand after an encouraging nudge from a friend. Naruto nodded towards her.

"How old are you, Naruto-sama?"

Naruto stared at her blankly for a second before answering. "Uh… Sixteen."

He didn't know why the girls thought that was so funny, but decided to ignore it. Iruka-sensei indicated that one of the smaller boys who sported glasses should make the next inquiry.

The boy seemed nervous, for some reason. "My mother said – well, I don't know if it's – but she said that –"

"Just spit it out, Jirou!" sighed another student to the spectacled boy's left, sounding slightly annoyed.

"She said that the attack on the village was your fault!" the boy said in a rush, his voice getting progressively higher in pitch as he went on. After the last word was spoken, he flushed deeply.

The broad-shouldered boy turned to his classmate angrily. "You're mother's just a civilian! What does she know?"

Naruto couldn't quite meet the kids' eyes as he opened his mouth to tell them that it _was_ his fault after all, but Iruka-sensei cut him off.

"The person that invaded our village and killed our people was the leader of Amegakure and no one else, and Naruto defeated him. The blame lies with no one in Konoha, but only with the attackers themselves."

"I'm sorry! It didn't seem right, but my mother _said_, and –"

Iruka smiled kindly at the distressed boy. "It's all right, Jirou. It's a hard concept to understand even for ninja much more experienced than yourself. Nobody forces shinobi to do anything; they act on what they feel is the best for their village, usually, but in some cases, what they feel is best for themselves alone. As long as each of us does what we feel is right, then there is no point in looking back and assigning blame. If one goes around constantly pointing fingers, even at his own comrades, then the cycle of hatred will never end. We, as Konoha shinobi, stick together no matter what, and that is our true strength."

Naruto stared at Iruka in wonder. That same issue had been eating away at him for weeks, but, somehow, he felt a little better now. How the man always knew just what to say to put him at ease was beyond Naruto, but he was grateful for it.

"Well, _I_ heard that you're the son of the Yondaime!" stated a girl with a confident voice and short, brown hair.

"Yeah, me too!" echoed another boy. "Is it true?"

Squirming uncomfortably, Naruto sighed. He should have known this would come up, but it still managed to catch him by surprise, as usual. "Yeah, it's true."

In response to his grudging admission, there was a fresh explosion of murmurs. Naruto heard muted voices whispering variations of "See! I _told_ you so!" and "Figures." He sighed, knowing that he would have much rather his parentage stayed a secret. Though he was definitely proud to have a Hokage for a father, he sometimes felt like it detracted from his accomplishments, and, in a way, cheapened them.

Until very recently, almost no one expected Uzumaki Naruto to do anything worthwhile or accomplish anything at all, really, so whenever he did, it was an uphill battle, but very rewarding. Now, people simply expected great things of Namikaze Minato's son and wrote off his hard-earned achievements as a natural birth right. He wasn't sure how much of this change in perception was due to his own growing power and how much could be attributed to people's lasting love for the Yondaime. It was disconcerting, to say the least, and a little bit disappointing after all the years of hard work he'd devoted to gaining recognition.

"Okay, one more question!" Iruka announced. "Then we should let Naruto-sama here—" at this point, Iruka's suspicious cough might have been covering a laugh, "—get back to his busy day!"

"Awww!" the class whined in unison.

"And we, of course, must return to our lessons on the history of the Hokage! Now, a last question?"

The dominant group of girls dissolved into giggles and whispers once more, and finally, a purple-haired girl raised her hand high, glaring around at her classmates as if daring them to try and steal her opportunity.

Iruka sighed wearily, apparently knowing the girl well enough to predict what might be coming. "Aiko?"

"Naruto-sama, will you be my boyfriend?" she asked brazenly, not hesitating to meet his gaze.

Naruto's eyes practically bugged out of his head. "Will I – _what?_" he spluttered, too stunned to truly process what had just occurred.

"Be my boyfriend. I'm the strongest kunoichi in the class, you know," she stated matter-of-factly.

Naruto could do nothing but gawk at her. Luckily, Iruka-sensei stepped in. "Don't you think he's a little old for you, Aiko?"

She sniffed in protest. "No, I don't. My father is _six_ years older than my mother, and _I'm_ nearly thirteen!"

"Yeah, in eight and a half months you'll be thirteen," snorted one of the boys in amusement.

Naruto's face felt hot. If he didn't know any better, he'd say he had come down with a sudden high-grade fever. He glared at Iruka-sensei, who was biting down on his fist to keep from completely losing composure in front of his students.

"Well?" she demanded, flipping her long, violet hair over one shoulder. "Let's meet at eight! The seafood restaurant just reopened downtown, and –"

Naruto rushed to snap out of his state of semi-shock before he was somehow roped into going on a date with a twelve-year-old. "No!" he yelped, panicking.

"No?" she asked, a confused look on her young face. "Don't you like seafood, then?"

"No, I love seafood. I mean…. Sorry, er…." He paused here, desperately trying to remember her name.

"Aiko-chan," supplied Iruka helpfully, still obviously suppressing gales of laughter.

"Aiko, look, I'm sorry, but I don't want to uh … date you."

Her face, previously so confident, was suddenly crestfallen. "Oh …. Okay, I guess." She looked down, letting her hair cover her expression. Naruto had a sudden, awful realization that she may very possibly start crying right in front of him.

Naruto stared at the dejected girl in abject horror, praying Iruka-sensei would just take all of the Academy students away somewhere because he had no idea what to do in this situation.

"Uzumaki-san!" a vaguely familiar voice called from a distance. When he looked up to see a slightly out of breath chuunin he didn't know by name but recognized as a regular messenger for the Hokage, Naruto thought he'd never been so happy to hear his own name in his entire life. "Sorry to bother you, Uzumaki-san," huffed the chuunin, "but you're needed in the Hokage's office immediately!"

Naruto sighed in relief. "Right. Uh, thanks. You can take your time going back, if you want. I'll go the quick way." The chuunin nodded and sat heavily on a nearby bench. Naruto guessed this was only one of many top-priority messages he'd been sent to deliver recently and thought the ninja deserved a little break. "See you, Iruka-sensei!"

"Bye, Naruto. I'll treat you to ramen sometime. Now, say goodbye to Naruto-sama, students!" Iruka cajoled, still enjoying himself quite thoroughly.

"Bye, Naruto-sama!" the obedient soon-to-be ninja replied with varying levels of enthusiasm.

Naruto rolled his eyes and set off with a speed that made the tired chuunin thankful Naruto hadn't expected him to keep up.

* * *

Upon arrival at Tsunade's office, Naruto slowed and entered with a leisurely saunter, just because he knew it would get on her nerves.

As he threw the doors open with a bang, he called, "Oi, baa-chan, what's the big rush? Am I needed for a super secret S-class mission with mystery, danger, and a princess?"

When Tsunade failed to reply with her customarily annoyed greeting, Naruto dropped the façade. She had a foreboding expression on her face he had never seen before, not even once, and he didn't like it at all.

"Yes," she said simply.

"Huh? Seriously? You know those are my favorite kinds of missions, so why do you look like that?" He glanced around, for the first time bothering to identify the two others he'd sensed upon entering. "Wait. Gaara? _Temari?_ What's going on here, you old hag?"

Her face revealed nothing. "Naruto. You should probably sit down."

He followed her instructions, though everything about her was off today. "Tsunade…?" he ventured cautiously.

"I'm about to tell you something that you won't like. I can only hope you don't hate me for it, because I have no choice in this, no matter how much I personally dislike it." She looked him full-on in the eyes for the first time since he'd entered, and his throat caught at the pain and confusion he saw in her. "Please understand, Naruto. I did not want this for you."

Naruto was really worried now. "I could never hate you, Baa-chan," he reassured softly. "Just say it. Please. Is it Sasuke? Did Cloud kill him?"

She sighed. "No, it's not Sasuke this time." Pausing, she pushed her fingers into her temples tiredly. "You were at the summit. You know how delicate our situation is right now. Cloud is willing to work with us, but it's obvious they have some latent resentment. If we make one wrong step, or even if we don't, they'll turn on us. Mist is barely civil, and Rock, well…."

Naruto averted his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be stupid, Naruto," she snapped. "That mess isn't even remotely your fault. You may be part of the excuse they're using this time, but if it wasn't you and your father, it would have been something else. We've never been on good terms with Rock. This is nothing new."

Naruto grunted, trying to believe her but not quite succeeding. He waved his hand in a tacit signal to move on.

"The other nations know we're weak right now; they'd never dare such open hostility otherwise. As it is, our strong alliance with Suna is our only insurance. If Sand was to break the treaty, the villages wouldn't be able to resist invading. The whole of Fire Country would be at risk. To be honest, if the right villages align, even if Suna and the usual smaller villages remain loyal to us, we'd be at a disadvantage. War is, if not imminent, then likely sometime in the fairly near future. If we lost Suna, war would be definite, immediate, and the outcome would almost certainly not favor us."

"Tsunade-baa-chan," Naruto interrupted, a slightly whiney tone creeping into his voice. "Why are you explaining things I already know?"

"Tell me, Naruto," began Gaara in his patent monotone, and Naruto quieted immediately. Gaara never spoke if he didn't have something to say, so Naruto always listened. "Does Suna strike you as the type of village that holds on to disadvantageous alliances?"

Naruto could feel the blood draining from his head as he realized the implications of Gaara's words. Something he'd once heard old lady Chiyou mutter came back to him now. "True alliances are pipe dreams," she'd griped under her breath, as if it was something she recited to herself occasionally, out of habit, like it was a concept deeply ingrained. Of course, by the end, her heart had changed, but she was only one person of many….

"No," Naruto answered gravely. "It does not."

"I did what I could, Naruto," said Gaara, face as stoic as ever. "I do not wish to break the treaty and it is largely through my influence that it is still unbroken as of yet. I hope it remains that way."

Slowly, Naruto turned to him. "But…." he prompted.

"But it will not, unless a compromise is reached," continued Gaara. "Kazekage I may be, but I can only stretch my authority so far lest I lose it, just like the Hokage. We have negotiated an arrangement agreeable to the councils of both Suna and Konoha. It will probably not, however, be agreeable to the two of you whom we have called to this room."

Naruto's blue eyes sought out Temari's teal immediately. Her gaze was steely, giving nothing away, but she couldn't hide that her hands were shaking as they gripped the back of Gaara's chair. Naruto could tell that she knew what was coming and that she hated it completely. He also saw that she accepted it anyway.

He turned to face Tsunade squarely. "Okay," he said, his voice more confident than he felt. "Hit me with it. I'm as ready as I'm going to get."

She opened her mouth to finally say it, but still hesitated. After a moment of mustering herself, the Godaime Hokage finally spoke with the weight authority behind her words. "Uzumaki Naruto, son of Namikaze Minato, the Fourth Hokage, you are hereby ordered to procreate with Sabaku no Temari, daughter of –"

"No." Naruto heard the strangled whisper and could hardly believe it came from his mouth. "No!" This time, it was more of a yell. "No! How could they – how could you let them – no!"

"Naruto," said Gaara, still sickeningly calm. "It's not quite as bad as it sounds, you know—"

"Of course it's not! I'm sure it's much worse!" Naruto snapped, for the first time in a long time feeling truly angry at both Gaara and Tsunade. "I thought you, of all people, Gaara, would understand. This is my _life_! I don't get a say in anything, even this _one_ damn –" His voice cut off with a choke, and the shouting abruptly ended. He looked down at his lap, blinking furiously.

He inhaled deeply, trying desperately to calm himself, but it was a futile attempt; his hands were digging into the arms of the chair almost painfully. He heard a sharp _crack!_ and watched idly as one of the wooden arms split from the pressure – but somehow, the action didn't seem connected to him at all.

"Shit," he mumbled. "Shitshitshitshitshitshit." Finally looking up, he saw something that he'd never seen before, and it shocked him to see it now. Old lady Tsunade was crying.

Something inside him broke at the sight, leaving him just like the arm of the chair he was sitting in.

"Tell me the terms," he said quietly.

* * *

Author's Note: I am posting this chapter so quickly after the other for one reason alone. I leave for a month-long academic trip to Turkey, Cyprus, and Greece tomorrow, so I won't be around to post this later. That means that I probably won't be replying to reviews or posting the next chapter within that time, either. I'll be back in the US around June 7th, so expect something new then. It's already written, so there won't be a wait.

Again, thanks to Jetslinger, Deedee, and Mikeytron, my very favourite faggots, even the one who isn't, technically.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: So, I'm no longer in Turkey, Greece, Cyprus, OR Germany, but literally as I dragged myself back stateside, my family sprung surprise travel on me, so I'm still out-and-about. Sorry this took a little bit longer than I said it would.

Just for the record, threats are a little bit ridiculous, and telling me how utterly scandalized you are that there is going to be over a month between chapters is most likely to make me delay chapters out of sheer annoyance. "IF U DOTN UPDTE NAO ILL NAVER RAED AGIN!!111!!!" O leely? Please don't confuse me with one of those authors who gives a shit, because I don't. The end.

* * *

"Naruto."

He could hear the sound, but his brain didn't recognize it as communication. He stayed in the chair, staring at the spot on the wall that held a stern-looking photograph of the Fourth Hokage. _My father_, Naruto reminded himself.

"Naruto! Geez, you're such a troublesome guy, you know? What's up with you today?"

Shaking his head to clear it, Naruto turned towards the voice. It belonged to Nara Shikamaru. Naruto tried to offer his friend a smile, but could tell it came out more like a pained grimace.

"Sorry, Shikamaru. I'm fine, just tired."

Frowning, Shikamaru briefly scrutinized him. The attention made Naruto uncomfortable, but he tried to ignore it and act as normal as possible. Finally, either finding nothing conclusive or giving up on getting Naruto's confession, the genius said hesitantly, "If you're sure. I was just coming to pick up Kazekage-sama and Temari, but you seemed, well … really weird. You should do a little less training, a little more sleep. Twelve hours a day or better is what I always recommend."

Naruto forced himself to laugh at Shikamaru's lazy antics, but he felt too much like a robot for it to come out sounding natural. "I'll think about it. And I wouldn't share that idea with Lee or Gai if I were you. Somehow I don't think they'd find it a very youthful suggestion, if you catch my drift."

Shikamaru couldn't repress a shudder at the thought. "I didn't really think of that. Thanks, Naruto. You're always looking out for a friend. Well, I've got to get these two fed and watered and lame stuff like that. See you around."

"See you," Naruto replied as they left. Neither Gaara nor Temari said anything when they went, which was unusual, but he was glad for it. He didn't really feel like dealing with them at the moment.

He went back to staring at his spot on the wall.

Naruto and Tsunade sat in silence for a time. Eventually, Tsunade couldn't take it any longer and interrupted the tension.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

His eyes turned to her, though they were still as blank as they had been while staring at the wall. "Don't be," he replied. "You did what was right. That's why you're a good Hokage. I wouldn't have wanted to be spared this if the village would be what paid the price."

"I'm not sorry as Hokage," she insisted. "I'm sorry as myself." She looked away, amber eyes glittering with tears once again. "Please…." she began beseechingly, but shook her head, rejecting her own neediness. She tried again. "It's okay if you can't forgive me. I don't think I could, in your place."

He had been sitting nearly motionless for so long, but at those words, he jumped up and within a second had his arms around her. She choked back a sob as he clung to her tightly for an extended moment.

"There's nothing to forgive, Granny," he said, kissing her wet cheek and releasing her.

With that last gesture, he turned and left the office, back ramrod straight and head level.

--------------

Naruto wandered around what little was left of the village aimlessly, observing the extensive reconstructive efforts that he took part in most days. He craved a hot bowl of Ichiraku ramen, but the stand had been destroyed. Whenever he felt his worst, Teuchi and Ayame always knew how to comfort him without prying into details. Unfortunately, even if the little ramen counter were to be rebuilt, nothing would ever be the same. Teuchi had died in the onslaught, throwing his body in front of a small orphan that had been in the line of fire. Ayame was devastated, but Naruto saw the boy around her so much these days that he was sure she had taken the kid in for good.

Though loneliness was eating at him, Naruto didn't feel like seeking out anyone he knew. Just like Shikamaru had, they would ask questions, and he wouldn't want to answer them even if he was permitted to do so, which he was not. He just wanted – well, he wasn't sure what he wanted, which was probably why he was still meandering around Konoha without a goal.

He found himself in front of a large training area. The forested training grounds that had been so abundant before the attack were now leveled, but some of the wreckage was converted to new areas with different ground coverage and topography than before.

Naruto sensed three powerful shinobi presences and leaned against a tall rock to watch them train from a safe distance. He smiled, recognizing the unique talents of Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino, and Hyuuga Hinata.

Hinata. The thought of her caused a sharp stab of pain somewhere in his chest. He remembered stumbling out of Pain's broadcasting tower, light-headed from blood loss due to Konan's annoying but ultimately ineffective paper shuriken attacks. When he'd spotted Team Gai racing towards him, together with Sakura and Hinata, he had thought he might be hallucinating.

"Hinata! You're alive?" he'd croaked, shell-shocked.

She nodded, head downturned. "I'm sorry for frightening you," she whispered. Suddenly, she met his eyes with her own, and he was surprised to find tears tracking down her cheeks. "I'm so glad you're okay, Naruto-kun!" she'd sobbed.

He'd wavered on his feet, then, the exhaustion hitting him all at once, and Sakura had rushed forward to help support him. They'd all gotten back, somehow, though he didn't remember the journey at all.

The next time he'd been aware of his surroundings, he was in a strange place that he'd later learned was the Hokage Mansion above the Monument, which had been spared. Hinata had been dozing in a chair beside his bed, but as he watched her, she slowly regained consciousness.

"Naruto-kun," she'd said, voice still hoarse with sleep. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," he'd answered truthfully. "Hinata, about … what happened, I –"

"Naruto-kun, there's, um, something I m-must tell you. I-I'm sorry for, um, inter-rupting your b-b-battle b-but—" Her face reddened, a telltale sign of her shy embarrassment and a possible precursor for a fainting spell.

"Hinata, it's okay," he interceded softly. "Just say it."

"I was so scared you were going to die," she whispered, the words barely audible. "I was t-terrified that you would die without knowing anyone l-loved you."

He suddenly felt as if there was something obstructing his throat. He swallowed heavily. "Hinata…."

"It's true. I have loved you for a long time, since the Academy," she had continued, and her voice was suddenly harsher than he'd ever heard it, before or since, with no noticeable trace of a stutter. "However, do not feel obligated to me, for my clan has recently arranged my betrothal to Hyuuga Ko. We will be wed when the state of emergency is lifted. It is my duty."

_It is my duty_. Her words echoed in his mind as his eyes followed her spar with Kiba. He'd felt a strange twist in his stomach when she'd uttered them, but he now understood her position on an entirely new level.

"Naruto," Shino called, voice as deadpan as ever. "Were you going to say hello or were you just evaluating our skills from afar?"

"Both," Naruto answered with a joviality he did not feel, though he didn't move from his casual position. His back was to the rock, arms crossed with one knee tucked up. "I hear congratulations are in order. Shino and Kiba are jounin now."

Shino nodded minutely, confirming the promotion.

"Jealous, little genin?" taunted Kiba, grinning widely. Akamaru barked in accord.

Naruto smirked in return. "Who wants a rank that lets someone like _you_ in? No thanks, Dog Breath." Naruto turned to Hinata, the corners of his mouth falling. "How come you're still a chuunin, Hinata? It doesn't make sense."

Hinata averted her eyes. "Um, j-jounin must master every a-area of ninja skill, Naruto-kun. M-my n-ninjut-su is lacking."

"Their judgment is what's lacking," Naruto protested. "I bet the next round of promotions will include you. You're good, Hinata, though you never seem to realize it."

At Naruto's praise, Hinata's face colored a deep ruddy shade.

"Geez, Naruto!" grumbled Kiba. "You're going to make her faint again! But, seriously, Hinata, he's right. We tell you you're strong all the time, even if not everyone can see it."

Shino nodded his agreement, but kept his attention focused on Naruto. Naruto, though, couldn't look away from Hinata.

"Kiba, didn't you promise to help my father and I finish our roof tonight?"

"Wha – Shino, what are you –" Kiba began, obviously confused. When Shino turned towards his friend, brows furrowed in annoyance, comprehension dawned on Kiba's tattooed face. "Oh, er, right. Yeah, I did. We should probably get going, right?"

"Naruto, you'll see Hinata back to the Hyuuga Compound, won't you?"

"Sure, Shino," Naruto complied. "No problem. See you around."

With that, Kiba and Shino departed, leaving Naruto and Hinata alone on the training grounds.

Naruto continued to stare, eyes smoldering. Hinata fidgeted under his gaze.

"Naruto-kun. A-are you well?"

Instead of answering, he hefted himself off of the rock and moved across the clearing to stand directly in front of her.

She looked up at him, confusion written in her expression. "Naruto-kun?"

Without warning, he kissed her full on the mouth. She froze, at first, and then returned the kiss. He didn't deepen it, however, and broke away after only a second.

"N-n-n-Naruto-kun?" she spluttered, clearly flustered. "W-what are you d-do-ing?"

"I shouldn't have done that. I know you have a duty." He paused before continuing. "I have a duty too." She could read too far into that statement, if she chose, but he trusted Hinata to keep this conversation entirely to herself. "I just wanted to … thank you. For everything. I know you're getting married soon, but I think I needed to do this, for you, and for myself. It was stupid, though. I didn't plan it. I'm sorry."

She reached a trembling hand up to cup his face. "Don't apologize, Naruto-kun. It meant a lot to me, to share a first kiss with the one I love. Thank you."

He inhaled shakily as she dropped her arm back to her side. "Can we … can we be friends, still?"

"Always," she replied softly.

"It won't hurt you?"

She shook her head. "I've always known I would marry within the clan. It's necessary, for the next generation of Byakugan users. I'm needed, especially now. We lost almost half our people in the attack."

He was surprised how clearly she could speak of such matters. In personal affairs, she was meek, but he knew that when she truly believed in something, she could be fierce. It seemed she really believed in her clan despite its maltreatment of her. She would make a good clan head someday.

Wordlessly, they walked in the direction of her clan estates. When they came into view, he stopped.

"When is the wedding?"

She blushed. "In a m-month."

"Do you … do you want me to come?" Naruto inquired with some hesitation.

Looking away, she shook her head slowly. "I'm sorry. I j-just.… I'm n-not sure if I could, um, do it, if I s-saw you there."

"All right," he agreed quietly. "Do you regret it?"

"No. Ko is a good m-man. I think, in time, I might g-grow to l-love him. I h-hope."

"I promised Neji I would change the Hyuuga. I would do anything you asked, Hinata. If you ever need me, I'll be there." He trained a steely gaze on her to help impart the gravity of his statement. She smiled softly and shook her head once more, telling him everything he needed to know. "And if I ever hear of this Ko treating you badly, he'll have me to answer to. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Naruto-kun," she replied. "I understand. Thank you."

"Should I walk you any further?"

She shook her head.

"I guess you'll be okay from here, then?" He looked beyond her to the mid-size encampment of tents. Behind it lay the rubble of what remained of the old Hyuuga mansion. "You should get Yamato-taichou to build you guys a house! He's really good at it, you know."

"Goodbye, Naruto," she giggled.

"Goodbye, Hinata."

Turning away from him, she returned to her family. He watched her go, the tightness in his chest loosening slowly. Surprisingly, he felt much better.

Though the idea wasn't particularly appealing to him, Naruto set out in the direction of his new apartment building. He just didn't feel like facing his vast, empty rooms at the moment. Probably because his building had been rebuilt using Yamato's Four Pillar House technique, Naruto now had an entire floor to himself. He guessed it was supposed to be a favor to him, but he missed the comfort of his old apartment even though it had been falling apart. After moving in when he was six or so, he'd slowly added posters and small touches that had made the place feel like home. This new place lacked any of it, though he supposed he could get some new ones.

Naruto unlocked his door, extending his senses to make sure no unpleasant surprises were lurking in the darkness. Satisfied, he flipped on the lights with a sigh. The austere flat completely devoid of furniture actually creeped him out a little. It would take Naruto some time to get used to his newly spacious residence.

He had just finished inhaling some cup ramen when there was a knock on the door.

"What the…?" he muttered. Such an occurrence was highly unusual, especially since it was now well into the evening.

"Sakura?" he called, but received no answer. He could think of no one else who would show up at his apartment unannounced.

Upon opening the door, he was surprised to find Temari standing there. He craned his neck to look for Gaara and Shikamaru, but saw no one.

"I'm alone," she confirmed. "May I come in, Naruto-sama?"

Dumbfounded, he moved aside to make room for her to pass. Finally finding his voice, he asked, "Since when do you call me _that_, Temari? Cut it out, will you?"

She sighed, turning to him. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm still uncomfortable with this … situation."

Snorting, he quipped, "Well, gee, I wonder why."

Her eyes were darting around the living room, searching for something. "Don't you have anything to sit on in this place, you baka?" she inquired waspishly, scowling. Naruto was glad that she sounded more like herself, hoping things wouldn't be as awkward.

"Oh! Er, no, not really. Furniture is hard to come by right now and I don't get a lot of visitors. Sorry," he apologized sheepishly.

She rolled her eyes and sank to the floor, indicating that he should do the same.

"How did you know where to find me?" Naruto asked.

"Shikamaru pointed this building out when we passed by earlier. He said the top was yours."

Naruto shrugged. "Makes sense, I guess. So what brings you here?" As soon as the words left his mouth, his mind supplied an answer. He blanched, stricken by the realization.

Clearly following his train of thought, she tried to laugh in an attempt to lighten the mood but the sound came out strangled and forced. "No, it's not for that – though if you want to, I suppose we could—"

"No!" Naruto protested a tad too loudly.

Her smile was real this time. "I didn't think so. There are some things I thought we should discuss before we get to that, anyway."

"Yes, you're right. Can I start? I know I agreed to this, but there's something I need to ask you first."

She looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to go on. He fidgeted, suddenly very nervous. "Please answer this truthfully. You know that I am the Kyuubi vessel." He remembered the day he'd confessed his tenant to Sakura, and Temari had heard it all. "I get that Gaara is your brother, and you care for him, but can you…. Will you be able to love them, in spite of it? In spite of this whole damn situation? I don't know what they'll be like, if they'll have any demon qualities—"

"We'll deal with that as it comes," she interrupted smoothly. "Yes. I will be their mother and I will love them as my children, no matter what. I promise."

Naruto sagged in relief, releasing tension he didn't realize he'd been holding. "Thank you."

When he looked at her again, there was kindness in her eyes. "And you?" she asked in turn. "You will love them as their father, yes?"

"Of course," he answered, though it was a strange concept. "I'm not sure how much of a father I'll be able to be, though, with all this secrecy. I guess it will be hard, with all of you living in Suna."

Temari diverted her eyes. "No matter what, you'll still be their father," she whispered, before shaking her head to clear it and continuing more firmly, "Now, I have a question for you. Are you seeing anyone seriously?"

Naruto blinked, an image of Hinata flitting through his mind. "No."

"Neither am I. I know the Councils said that we can't sleep with anyone else until the terms are met, but I won't stop you from being romantically involved with someone if you want to. It would be nice if you told me about it, though, just so I know. I'll be accommodating."

"Oh. Uh, same for you, okay? How long does it take to have two kids, anyway? And why two? I think they get a kick out of torturing me." Naruto's expression turned more serious for a moment, thinking of various Konoha Council members, especially Danzou. "In fact, I know they do. Some of them, at least."

"You know why we have to have two, Naruto," Temari said, exasperated. "One child for each village, after they're old enough to defend themselves from our enemies at least somewhat. As for how long it takes…. I hope you know more than that question makes it sound like. It depends."

"On what?" Naruto asked, slightly irritated. "I know how babies are made, thanks. That's not what I meant."

"On how often we see each other, for one. Also, how old are you?"

"Sixteen. Why? How old are you?"

Temari groaned, letting her head fall into her hands. "Nineteen. For people our ages in these circumstances, producing two children could easily take upwards of two years, but most likely more." When Naruto failed to reply, she moaned, "I can't believe this is happening to me."

"No kidding," Naruto remarked with false humor. It seemed that neither of them had any more questions, so they sat uneasily, staring at each other and not quite knowing what to say. "Won't your dear brother be missing you soon?" Naruto finally asked, a touch of bitterness reaching his voice.

Temari sighed and pushed herself to her feet. "Probably."

Naruto walked her to his door. "Uh, take care," he said awkwardly.

She smiled at him. "I'll be seeing you, and sooner rather than later, I'm afraid."

"Yeah, I guess," he acknowledged.

"Goodnight, Naruto," she called as she made her way silently down the stairs.

"Goodnight, Temari."

* * *

A/N: Well, that's that for chapter 3. Hope it answered some of your questions. I've also been informed that this may very will incense fangirls, so I look forward to some lovely angry reviews. Don't disappoint me, n00bs of the world!

Chapter 4 will be published whenever the fuck I feel like it, but it shouldn't be all that terribly long.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This installment is extra long and took me two shits of forever to write. It contains some important character development that you might miss if you blink, but isn't action-heavy.

Thanks to Donovan, Joseph, Mikey, and Jetslinger for putting up with me. Upon their suggestions, this chapter is unofficially titled "In Which Sakura Forgets to Take Her Midol". After reading the most current manga chapters (452 & 453), I am inclined to lend the title to those instead.

I also thought you might like to know that I wrote half of this chapter with Kakashi in it before I realized: Hey, fuckwit, you killed him off in this one! I r smurtz.

* * *

Team Kakashi walked along the road towards Fire City, slowed to a crawling pace by their out of shape client. Because he happened to be the daimyo's favourite uncle, he seemed to think his death was imminent. However, upon questioning, he had reluctantly revealed that his last death threat had been over five years ago, effectively reducing the ninja to overpaid escorts.

The maddeningly protracted journey to the capital while catering to a self-important noble was grating on everyone's nerves.

"What's the matter? Did Ugly finally realize that you lack a dick?" Sai taunted.

"Shut the fuck up, Sai," growled Naruto.

Ignoring him, Sai persisted. "Usually she hits you and then acts nice again, but she has hit you many times and still looks mad." Turning to Sakura, he added, "It's not very attractive on your face, you know – though it's still not as ugly as when you cry."

"Sai...." Sakura warned, tone of voice quickly approaching dangerous.

"Why is the hag acting angry towards you, Dickless?"

Naruto shrugged broodily. "Blowed if I know. Ask her, why don't –"

He was interrupted by a glancing blow to the side of the head that knocked him flat to the ground.

"What the hell, Sakura-chan?" he moaned, slowly picking himself up. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sai doing the same. "What was _that_ one for?"

Nose in the air, she stomped past them. "Sai called me a hag and you let him."

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto whined. "That's so not fair! I can't correct him every time he calls you a hag; he does it every five minutes!"

Flouncing, she insisted, "Yes, you can! You just refuse to because you're lazy."

"Fine, then," Naruto grumbled, rolling his eyes. "Sai, you shouldn't call Sakura ugly because she is beautiful in every way." Turning back to the pink-haired medic, he demanded, "Better?"

"It's too late_ now_, stupid!"

"Ugly, _why_ are you so mad?" Sai asked, visibly confused. "Is Dickless really that inept during inter—"

"Sai!" she screeched, charging him murderously. Yamato, however, caught her before she could deal any blows.

"If you hit them any more they could sustain brain damage," the team leader commented in seeming disinterest.

"They already _have_ brain damage, which is why they deserve it." She glared at her teammates.

Yamato appeared to consider this. "Probably," he conceded. "But still, no need to make it worse." His good-natured smile helped the tension drain from her muscles. When she moved forward again, the group's momentary pause was ended.

Yamato then quietly addressed Sai, who looked completely lost. "This is one of those things you probably shouldn't ask about directly."

"Why not?"

"Sometimes when you inquire about private matters, it makes people feel awkward and more upset. We've talked about this before," the captain explained patiently.

Sai frowned, struggling to understand. "Even when it affects teamwork?"

"Sometimes bringing it up can cause even more discord. You must use your judgment."

"You probably shouldn't talk about teamwork when all you do is insult people, Sai," snapped Naruto in irritation.

"It's not my fault you have no penis and make Ugly mad," Sai retorted coolly.

Growling, Naruto kicked a clod of dirt at his pale friend.

"Now, now, settle down," Yamato said in what was supposed to be a scolding voice but sounded too cheerful to be convincing. "We should probably be more professional."

No matter what Yamato said, Naruto knew their arguments amused the man, likely because it gave him ammunition for later. The captain was quick to step in and impose an iron fist when necessary, but when it wasn't serious, he'd rather watch the fireworks unfold around him. Most people didn't know it, but Yamato could tease anyone mercilessly in such a deadpan that the casual observer would never know if he was sincere.

Rolling his eyes, Naruto quipped, "Right, because this mission is _so_ dangerous."

At this, the client broke his sullen silence with an indignant sniff. "The old one is right. You – all of you ninja types – could use a great deal more professionalism. More reason you'd never make it in the real world," the man accused, infusing every syllable with disdain.

_The real world?_ Naruto thought, disgusted. To this man, shinobi were nothing but tools to be bought. He'd seen the attitude before, mostly in rich people. If ninja weren't ruffians, then they'd be doing something _respectable_ with their lives, obviously.

"The Fire Lord personally requested the best ninja to be my guards, but what I got is a bunch of bickering brats. If this is the best Konoha has to offer, be sure that my nephew will hear about it!"

The men's faces – especially that of Yamato, who hated being called old – hardened with insult, but Sakura had the good grace to appear sheepish.

"Despite appearances, we _are_ the best," she assured. "You are completely safe with us."

The man scoffed, heavy jowls jiggling. "I could be attacked at any time and you incompetents wouldn't notice until I was already dead." He turned to address Naruto directly. "This _is_ dangerous, little boy. I guess you can't wrap your simple mind around it, but people who are powerful and important, or those closely related to such people, are in constant peril. That sort of sacrifice must be hard to comprehend for someone like –"

The man continued on with his diatribe but Naruto heard no more. Kakashi's face flashed through his mind, then Shizune's, then Jiraiya's, then Jiji's, then Chiyou's, on and on and on. His internal montage froze on an image of Temari surrounded by faceless blonde-haired, blue-eyed children who would probably not live to reach adulthood.

Suddenly, he realized that his chakra was almost fully unleashed and laden with killer intent; the formerly haughty noble was now quaking in his exquisitely tooled slippers, thoroughly terrified.

"What's dangerous," Naruto said in a quiet, warning tone, "is insulting a ninja. He might have a temper. He might not be as forgiving as I am." The man's eyes widened further and he clenched his knees together in an attempt to staunch the spread of the wet stain now marring the front of his formal kimono.

In an instant, Naruto released his chakra pressure, breathing deeply in order to calm himself. "You are nothing but a fat old man with a puffed up head. You don't know the _meaning_ of sacrifice."

"Naruto, get a hold of yourself!" Yamato ordered harshly.

The daimyo's uncle, though still sweating heavily, found the courage to speak. "You! Naruto, was it? Do you realize who I am? As soon as we reach the capital, the daimyo will know that you threatened a member of his family. I don't think that will bode well for Konoha, do you?" He straightened his spine triumphantly and his grin made it obvious that he thought he'd clearly won.

Naruto, though, did not seem to be conceding defeat. He advanced upon the man very slowly, a malicious sneer splitting his lips. The rest of the team watched, wide-eyed with shock and confusion at the blonde's totally out-of-character actions. As Naruto approached, the man flinched fearfully and tried in vain to scramble away. To everyone's surprise, Naruto simply laughed in the noble's face.

"Oh, is that what you thought that was? A threat? And here I thought I was just giving a little friendly advice." Still chuckling darkly, Naruto threw his arm over the man's shoulder with false amicability. "Do you know who _I_ am?" Naruto parroted, not elaborating. "Tell the daimyo whatever you like but be sure to share this with him as well. I respect the daimyo and I've vowed to protect him – but I won't kowtow to him. Even the daimyo doesn't have the right to inappropriately use our forces, especially during unstable times. If he requests the best for such a useless job again, when he truly needs help, the ninja he needs may be deployed elsewhere."

With a last pat on the back to the client, Naruto strolled forward nonchalantly, hands in his pockets.

"Sorry I lost my temper, Yamato-taichou," he said as he passed the team leader. "You should probably write me up for insubordination, because that was _unauthorized_." The slight stress on the last word should have clued Yamato in to Naruto's intentions, but Naruto made eye contact to be sure. He found reproach in Yamato's gaze, yet the man nodded just the same.

Naruto knew he deserved to be written up, too. He _had_ implicitly threatened a client and member of the daimyo's family, which wouldn't reflect well on Konoha at all. In fact, the man had a point, though his attitude was insufferable. Team Kakashi should have been on their best behaviour, boring mission or not, but they had in fact displayed something approaching their worst behaviour – himself in particular. No matter how hard he worked on controlling his anger, it always seemed to get the better of him.

Naruto frowned. Tsunade-baa-chan was definitely going to kill him for causing this mess when Konoha needed it least. The daimyo could very easily take offence and seriously disrupt the village's finances. Naruto had smoothed over his mistakes the best he could by ensuring that when the uncle reported to the daimyo, as he definitely would, the daimyo would also get a warning. By then saying within the noble's hearing that the outburst was unauthorized, Naruto made sure that Tsunade could shift all blame from herself if necessary. Hopefully, his forced lessons on politics at the hands of Jiraiya and Tsunade had paid off and it would be enough.

Naruto's rare introspection was interrupted when Sakura "accidentally" bumped his shoulder as she passed and started walking directly in front of him, forcing him to either slow down or trip. Perplexed, he asked, "Sakura-chan, what is this about?"

She huffed. "Aren't you going to order me aside, maybe in another long-winded speech using words with more syllables than you usually use in a week?"

He stared at her in confusion. "Huh?"

"Or perhaps you'll _ask_ me to move, but give me a scary look to make sure I do it?" She was speaking quietly now, venom dripping from each word. At Naruto's stunned silence, she continued. "I guess not. Maybe you remembered that I'm the Hokage's apprentice and you're only a genin, so you can't order me to do anything at all."

Naruto ceased movement completely, jaw dropping in hurt shock. She had never, _ever_ pulled rank on him before. "Sakura-chan?" The waver in his voice slightly scared him.

She halted as well. Yamato, probably sensing the storm brewing between the two, hurried along Sai and the traumatized client until they were out of immediate ear-shot. "You haven't earned the authority to command Yamato-taichou and you won't for a very long time. You do that whenever you're on a team, even back when it was with Kakashi-sensei. You'll never be a good leader if you don't learn to follow, Naruto."

Naruto stared at her back, feeling tears prick the corners of his eyes. What upset him wasn't what she was saying about chain-of-command. In fact, he counted on Sakura to keep him in line when he lost track of things like that. What hurt him was the sharpness of her words and her tone of voice. She was aiming to injure in a way she never had before, not even in the Academy when she was unintentionally cruel.

"Sakura-chan...." he pleaded. The panic was bubbling underneath the surface of his skin, eating at him. The tears in his eyes finally spilled over. He was seeing one of his oldest secret nightmares becoming reality: that if he ever got friends, they'd eventually realize he wasn't worth the trouble and give up on him. The fear was older than Sasuke's defection, but the Uchiha's betrayal had helped to cement it in Naruto's subconscious, though it took him until now to see it for what it was.

In front of him, Sakura's shoulders dropped a bit as she exhaled slowly and finally turned to face him. She continued, though her voice was slightly less harsh. "Your politics may be improving, but such things require subtlety, which you have _none_ of. After you _told_ Yamato-taichou to punish you, any rebuke is pointless. That fat, awful man may not know your reputation, but the daimyo certainly will. Do you think anyone would believe that you acted on your own? If I were the daimyo, I wouldn't. I'm not sure even now that Tsunade-shishou didn't ask you to cause that commotion.... Your reaction was _strange_, Naruto. It didn't make sense to me."

Realizing that she was right, Naruto looked down in guilt, tracing a pattern in the dirt road with his sandal. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Sakura's frown harden momentarily as an expression of pure calculation passed across her face. When he looked up, the expression was gone.

"You should have trusted us to clean it up, Naruto." With a resigned sigh, she shocked him once more by gathering him up in a hug. Still confused, he went ram-rod straight and didn't return the gesture. "You don't have to do everything by yourself all the time, Naruto. Let me share some of the responsibility with you."

"But it was my fault!"

She pulled away far enough to look him in the face again, eyes beseeching. "I don't care if it was Tora the cat's fault. Besides, I wasn't just talking about this."

Naruto frowned. "What the hell _are_ you talking about, then?" Nothing she did or said made a bit of sense to him anymore.

Sakura reached up, gently wiping the tear-tracks from his face before stepping back from him. "Just let me help you. That's all."

"But—" he protested, still completely bewildered.

"I want to. It's what friends do." With those parting words, she whirled around and began to jog to catch up to the rest of the group.

Shrugging in defeat, Naruto followed, pulling abreast of Sakura. Silently, she reached out and grabbed his hand, giving it a squeeze for reassurance.

It didn't take them long to reach the team, considering the limitations of the client, who edged as far away from Naruto as possible upon their approached. Sai was quick to spot Naruto and Sakura's renewed closeness – actually, to be more accurate, unusual closeness. "Is this the resolution of a lovers' spat?" Sai asked, openly curious. "I've read about them."

"Shut up, Sai!" Sakura growled, but her words lacked the heat of conviction. "Friends don't have lovers' spats."

The corners of Sai's mouth twitched – which was, for him, a grand gesture of an expression – but for once, he decided not to comment.

The rest of the mission passed in peaceful silence, with even the client too cowed to complain out loud.

* * *

"Does someone want to explain to me why there is a letter from the daimyo sitting on my desk?" roared the utterly incensed Hokage.

Naruto winced, but neither he nor any other member of Team Kakashi dared to speak. Ducking by pure instinct, Naruto felt something heavy pass through his hair, narrowly missing braining his skull. Hearing the distinctive _clunk_ of something bouncing off the wall behind him, he looked back to see a large crystal paperweight on the floor. It had a lot of cracks in its surface; he recognized the paperweight as one of Tsunade's favourite projectiles.

"I asked a question!" Tsunade seethed.

"Well, uh, Baa-chan, don't get mad or anything, but there was a teensy tiny incident –" Naruto began nervously, but Tsunade totally ignored him.

"What the hell is wrong with you four?" she demanded. "Threatening a noble?"

"But, Baa-chan, he was such a –"

"_You threatened the daimyo's uncle!_" Her considerable chest was heaving with exertion, probably a combination of screaming herself hoarse and refraining from bringing the building down around their ears.

"Technically, only Naruto was doing any threatening, Shishou!" Sakura protested. "The rest of us –"

Naruto glared at Sakura for the small betrayal. Tsunade didn't appear to appreciate her apprentice's contribution either. "The rest of you acted like children, is what you did!" The Hokage sent a particularly vicious glare towards Yamato, whose cheeks flared in embarrassment.

Sakura's mouth snapped shut and she stared at her shin-guards in apparent shame. "I'm sorry, Shishou," she whispered.

"Well, you should be, Sakura! You all should be." Tsunade sighed heavily. "The daimyo is angry, unsurprisingly. We're almost lucky we're on the brink of war. Pulling our funding now would be tantamount to handing his territories to our enemies on a silver platter."

Sakura gasped in shock at the frank admission. "The brink of war?"

Naruto, however, was nonplussed. "Serves that asshole right after what he did. Konoha could have been attacked while we were playing pretty-pretty musclemen for a nobleman who wants to pretend he's important."

"Stop being so cavalier!" Tsunade yelled, halfway coming out of her seat to bang her fists on the desk in rage. "You made a terrible impression on the daimyo. Don't you dare treat this as a joke. I can't afford to deal with this right now, Naruto!"

Slapping his own hands on top of the daimyo's letter and leaning forward to meet her, Naruto returned, "This isn't a fucking joke, Tsunade. We don't have the people to waste on stupid fucking ego missions. This isn't a time for political games! I'm sick of them, Baa-chan. I'm so sick of them I can hardly fucking breathe –"

Realizing he'd gone too far, he cut himself off. He straightened up and backed off, feeling the sudden silence of the room weighing heavily on him. The stares of his teammates burned into his back.

"At least you recovered, somewhat," Tsunade offered, voice no longer harsh or overly loud. "You wouldn't have been able a month or two ago. You're coming along, Naruto, but you should still have let your team take care of it. Well, maybe not Sai," she reconsidered, glancing at the boy. He nodded, taking no offence. "But Yamato and Sakura are both better equipped to deal with such matters than you. Yamato is an older and more experienced ninja and Sakura has a particular gift for reading political situations, even if she does occasionally lose her temper." Naruto snorted. Wasn't _that_ an understatement. Tsunade ignored him and continued. "Due to her time spent around this office with me, and especially with Shizune," Tsunade was unable to hide her grimace at the mention of her dead assistant, but carried on, "Sakura is possibly a more apt diplomat than I am. I tend to lose my temper more than occasionally, which can be a minor setback."

Naruto couldn't help but smirk at Tsunade's uncommon bout of dry humour. Sakura, he noticed, was beaming after her master's equally uncommon praise. Catching his gaze, she silently mouthed, "_I told you so,"_ and in a mature display, stuck out her tongue at him. Naruto rolled his eyes.

"For your information, Naruto, you are still so traumatized from the deaths of your master and jounin sensei that you're not yourself," Tsunade said matter-of-factly. "I have apologized to the daimyo for clearing you for duty before you were ready. He is confident that with a month's leave for mental health you'll be back at fighting capacity."

Whipping his head towards her, he spluttered, "Wh-what the hell?"

"I couldn't let you take the fall for this on your own, Naruto. The Fire Lord is a good leader, but he doesn't forget slights easily. Your career is forfeit if he vetoes your promotions. So I spun him a little sob story about your tragic past, and luckily, he actually bought it. He might not have without your recent successes and if he didn't recall you favourably from your chuunin exam all those years ago. Though I don't know what could have been so impressive about a little brat that didn't even pass," she said, giving in to a small, warm smile.

Naruto hadn't even realized the daimyo was involved in shinobi affairs beyond footing the bill. He offered Tsunade a grateful grin for saving his ass yet again. Then something she said registered with him.

"A month's medical leave? But _Baa_-chan!" he cried in dismay.

Tsunade scowled. "Stop whining and be thankful I got you out of that mess relatively unscathed. Besides, it's not like I'll let you laze about."

"Thanks, Granny. You're the best!" Naruto grinned in a huge way that he knew she pretended annoyed her but secretly found endearing.

True to form, she flapped her hand at him in irritation. "Cut that out. It's not like I had any choice but to keep you in good standing, as you very well know."

His face fell at the reminder. After all, pawns on the daimyo's shit-list weren't very good pawns. "Yeah, point taken."

Hearing the bitterness in his voice, Tsunade frowned. "That's not what I meant, Naruto."

"Sorry," he grunted, feeling bad for taking the spark out of her eyes.

Sakura interrupted. "What didn't you mean, Shishou? What are you sorry for, you oaf?" Frustrated at being left by the wayside in the conversation, she elbowed him in the ribs.

"Ow, Sakura-chan!" he puled, rubbing the spot. "I'm sorry for causing all of this ... for getting us all into trouble. You were right, before. You didn't do anything to that fat old toady. I did. You were kind of nice to him, even." He turned so he was facing all three of his teammates. "I've been a huge jackass lately. I'm sorry. For all of it."

"I read in a book that one should forgive one's friends of small transgressions without question," Sai said, nodding with faux-wisdom. "Therefore you have nothing to apologize for besides having a tiny penis."

Tsunade coughed uncomfortably but said nothing.

Naruto groaned. "Will you quit it with that shit, Sai? I'm going to start talking about _your_ penis in public. See how much you like that, you asshole." He smiled ruefully. "Thanks, though."

"I don't think totally alienating the daimyo should be counted as a 'small transgression', Sai," sniffed Sakura. Nevertheless, she smiled at Naruto. "But still. That guy was a jerk. You just snapped first, that's all. It was bound to be one of us."

"I think Sakura means to say that she definitely wanted to deck the daimyo's uncle but you beat her to it," remarked Yamato without cracking a smile. He put his hand on Naruto's shoulder and gave a slight squeeze before dropping his arm back to his side. "Don't let her fool you."

Sakura blushed furiously at the accusation but didn't deny it. "Shut up, Yamato-taichou. I was going to say that we should all go out for ramen – my treat – but you can just go home if you're going to be like that." Ignoring Yamato's suddenly pleading eyes, Sakura turned to Naruto. "I'll still treat you, though, if you want." She looked at Sai questioningly.

He shook his head. "I really don't like that type of food."

"Geez, Sai, you're so _weird_. Everyone likes ramen!" Naruto shouted, suddenly exuberant. "You're great, Sakura-chan!" He grabbed her arm and started dragged her towards the door before she could change her mind.

"You're all so cute it makes me want to retch, but not so fast. I haven't dismissed you yet," Tsunade interjected.

"Baa-chan!" Naruto protested, lips contorting into an exaggerated pout. "Sakura-chan _never_ buys me ramen. No fair!"

"Too bad," the Hokage snapped. "You're not done with debriefing."

"Haven't you yelled at me enough today, Granny?"

"If you weren't such an idiot I wouldn't have to yell at you so much, now would I? I give you a nice, cushy mission all the way to Fire City and look how you repay me. Don't pretend you don't deserve it."

"I _hate_ nice, cushy missions! They're boring!"

"So my missions aren't good enough for you. Is that it, O Mighty Naruto-sama?" Tsunade asked testily.

Knowing a trap when he saw one, Naruto backtracked. "No, they're uh ... important and all, Baa-chan, but they can get kind of dull, that's all." Seeing a flicker of anger in her eyes, he added, "But I'll still do them better than anyone else, so don't worry! I'm Uzumaki Naruto!" He flashed her the good-guy pose and another of his trademark ear-splitting grins, hoping to throw her off his trail.

"I don't know why I put up with you, you impertinent brat," Tsunade grumbled, but she couldn't stop the corners of her mouth from turning up. "With the restrictions on your movements in place, that _was_ one of the better missions I could get you."

Naruto dropped his pose. "Oh." His mouth hardened but he shrugged it off. "What else did you need, Tsunade-baa-chan?"

"Actually, I wanted to tell you that those restrictions may be lifted soon, due to certain circumstances –"

Naruto's spine snapped straight in an instant. Forgetting himself, he asked, "You mean because of --?"

"Naruto!" Tsunade barked in warning, sensing his intent. "Hold your tongue!"

When his teammates turned to him with questions brimming in their eyes, Naruto could only look away in frustration.

"I'll show you why, if you'd just hold on," Tsunade said, continuing as if Naruto hadn't almost said far too much. She reached into a drawer and felt around as if searching for something, producing a curious clinking sound. Making an aggravated noise, the Hokage started flinging empty sake bottles unceremoniously across her desk.

"Shishou!" Sakura scolded in scandalized tones, but found herself completely ignored.

"Ah, here they are ...." Tsunade mumbled, flipping through two non-descript booklets and placing them on the desk open and facing away from her.

"This was taken off a rogue nin," she said, pointing to the one on the left, "and this one was confiscated in a skirmish with Iwa nin."

Team Kakashi all leaned over the desk to get a good look. The Bingo book on the left sported a picture of Naruto with eyes blazing red, lips drawn back in a fierce snarl that emphasized his oversized canines. Idly, Naruto thought that it might have been taken during the fight with Deidara, judging by his age and the River Country-esque backdrop. Probably it had been taken by that creepy plant thing, Zetsu, which meant that –

"It seems Akatsuki is getting a little big desperate," Tsunade confirmed.

"This is the highest reward for capture I've ever seen," murmured Yamato. "I thought they might have another hidden ace, but if they're willing to stoop so low, maybe not. This is a good sign."

"No," Sakura intoned hollowly, "it's not."

"Oh? And why is that?" asked Yamato, eyebrow raised in mock confusion.

Sakura ignored the slight tone of condescension in her team leader's voice, her eyes totally trained on the tattered gray book she had picked up. "I thought, at first, that Iwa must be in league with Akatsuki, which is possible," Sakura began slowly. "But I don't remember this photo. Where was it taken, Naruto?"

He peered over her shoulder. "Uh, the summit, I think." He recognized the drab brown walls behind the image of his head. But who had taken it? Iwa must have had hidden people.

Naruto flicked his gaze to Tsunade. "Iwa broke terms." He'd meant it as a question but it came out more like a statement.

"Of course they did," she agreed, "but we can't prove it."

Yamato and Sai were still looking at the rogue ninja's Bingo book. "That's hardly surprising," Yamato said, "but good catch, Sakura."

Sakura shook her head. "No, that's not it. Listen to this." She began to read from the Iwa Bingo book. "Uzumaki Naruto of Konohagakure no Sato. Kyuubi jinchuuriki. Son of Namikaze Minato. Is reported to have killed the leader of Akatsuki, among others, and supposedly is a master of the sage arts. Approximate age: sixteen years. Rank: S-class. Eliminate on sight." She closed the book with shaking hands. "This is a bounty, not a reward. Rock wants him dead and Akatsuki would never agree to that."

Her free hand reached for Naruto's once again; he let her, even though she was squeezing painfully hard.

Yamato, seeming to notice Sakura's distress, smiled reassuringly at her. "Don't worry. They're underestimating Naruto. If they were serious about this, the Tsuchikage would have to do the job himself."

Tsunade quirked her lips. "Or try. In any case, it's standard procedure to notify a team when a hit is taken out on a member's head."

Sakura frowned. "But we never knew about Kakashi-sensei's Bingo book entry until Zabuza tried to collect on it."

"You were his genin team. That's different. This is, ostensibly, a team of equals." She sighed. "Honestly, the increase in Naruto's level of danger is negligible, but new Bingo book entries always attract hot shots until they figure out that it's pointless. That's why entries aren't taken seriously until they've been there for a year or two. The theory is if you're good enough to last through the idiot barrage then you're probably worth your salt."

Sai cocked his head in confusion. "But why would the Council let Dickless leave Fire Country if he's being hunted?"

Tsunade frowned. "Naruto has been hunted since he was twelve years old, or even before that." Naruto scowled at the reminder though still remained oddly silent. "I've been telling those old coots for years that confining him only makes him an easy target, but not even the Akatsuki invasion was enough to convince them. However, the prospect of bounty hunters congregating all over the country has them starting to see things my way."

Naruto snorted, face more sour than ever, earning him a few askance glances. He knew those words were bullshit to at least some degree.

"This is definite?" inquired Yamato.

"No, you moron. I said that already. It's just a possibility," Tsunade rejoined, scowling. She began clearing away the sake bottles with more force than necessary. "You all ask too many questions. Idiots, the lot of you. Go do something useful," she snapped impatiently. It was clear her mind was now elsewhere.

Not wanting to risk the further wrath of a vexed Hokage, Team Kakashi quickly made for the exit. Naruto was almost first out the door but a certain busty blonde had other ideas.

"Where do you think _you're_ going, brat?"

Naruto sighed. He'd hoped to avoid this, but it was stupid to argue with Tsunade when she was in a mood. Instead of leaving, he held open the door for his teammates.

"But, Shishou," Sakura protested with a frown. "You said –"

"I'll need you later tonight, Sakura," Tsunade cut off her apprentice. "I'm behind on my paperwork."

Distracted, Sakura groaned in dismay and shuffled out. Even before she had crossed the threshold, Tsunade instructed, "Close the door behind them, Naruto." When he did, she immediately demanded, "How did you keep the Kyuubi a secret?"

Naruto blinked. "What?"

"You've been walking around like someone just kicked your puppy and it's bound to make people curious. Curious people snoop and you simply cannot afford that, Naruto."

He diverted his eyes guiltily.

"You almost said something in front of your teammates today," the Hokage continued. "You can't keep slipping up like that. For people you're close to, the odd conduct you've been exhibiting is a red flag. A couple of them probably suspect you're hiding something and you should realize how dangerous that is. I trust them, but the less people that know, the safer. Even if your behaviour doesn't give yourself away, theirs could, even accidentally. Anyone can be tortured for information and those closest to you will be targeted first. Don't forget – Shizune died trying to keep your location from Akatsuki, but she failed," Tsunade raged. Naruto knew that this was the root of her anger. She avoided speaking of Shizune, just like she avoided Dan and Nawaki, but her pain was obvious. "I don't want your friends to die thinking they betrayed you."

"Shizune didn't betray me," Naruto protested quietly.

"Not by choice, but I know that her last feelings were regret and fear for you. If Sakura were to –" The rest of her sentence died in a choked throat. "Don't think I don't know what would happen if Akatsuki took a hostage. You would die for anyone in Konoha, especially your friends, but so far we've been lucky. Any one of our enemies might realize you'd sacrifice yourself for your family if it gets out that you have one. We've been over this."

"I _don't_ have a family."

Tsunade waved off his words in annoyance. "As long as you're both alive, Temari is connected to you whether you like it or not, even if you form a real relationship with someone else later. And if anything happens to her, Suna will definitely break the alliance."

Naruto scowled.

"Threatening family is a common tactic for bounty hunters –" at Naruto's scoff, Tsunade added, "—and even if you don't consider her family, it would appear that way to outsiders, Naruto. The need for secrecy grows with each passing day."

Her pointed glare made Naruto drop his head onto his hands with a shame-filled groan. "Sorry, Baa-chan."

Tsunade's face softened at his plaintive tone. "It's to be expected," she conceded. "I've forced you to –"

"Stop it," Naruto snapped, suddenly commanding. "Nobody is forcing me to do anything. I want to do this because it's the right choice for Konoha."

Tsunade looked away from him briefly, but not quickly enough to stop him from spotting the guilt that flashed across her beautiful face. "In any case," she continued, "you're actually handling this well so far, all things considered. You just need to get more comfortable with the idea."

Naruto snorted sceptically.

Tsunade ignored him. "Now," she instructed, more business-like, "Suna should be notified of this development. They will understand the implications." She gathered the books and handed them to him. He put them in his pouch. "Tell me why you're going to deliver these to Temari," she ordered.

"I'm what?" Naruto floundered, eyes widening in sudden panic. Tsunade glared at him until he answered. "Because you hate me, that's why!"

The Hokage was not amused. "Try again. Here are a couple of hints: I just gave you the originals and it's convenient for us that Temari is in town on liaison duty."

"Convenient for torturing me," Naruto grumbled, but he was thinking hard. "They're uh ... too heavy to send by messenger bird?"

"Close, but the hawks could handle it."

"It's not safe to send them by messenger bird?"

"Correct. It's also rude. Now, why do they get the originals while we keep copies?"

"I don't know. That seems really stupid, if you ask me. What if I wanted the originals? They're about me, aren't they?"

"Naruto...." Tsunade growled.

"Fine, fine," he grumbled, screwing up his face with the gargantuan effort he was making. "This is a hard one, Baa-chan," he complained.

"It shouldn't be. In fact, the answer has defined your life quite recently."

Naruto stared at her blankly.

"That's it. No more hints."

Suddenly, he snapped his fingers. "Suna gets the originals because we're in the low position!"

Tsunade smiled genuinely. "Very good, Naruto."

"That's dumb, though. Who would even care about who gets copies and whatnot? Gaara wouldn't. He probably won't even notice."

Sighing, Tsunade rubbed her temples, fingertips glowing with green chakra. "Maybe not, but why risk it? His secretary or his Council might notice. It might seem pointless, but that's diplomacy for you."

"When I'm Hokage, I'm not going to bother with all this stuff. I told you – I'm going to do things differently. Why are you always making me learn this stupid crap?"

"Even if you don't bother with it, others will and they'll be offended if you don't." She frowned at his blank expression. "You can't just go around offending people, Naruto. There are consequences. Didn't this mission teach you that?"

It was Naruto's turn to sigh. "I guess."

"Temari is with Shikamaru right now. I wasn't expecting you so soon, so she's leaving tonight."

Naruto made a face at the implication of what he'd narrowly escaped.

Tsunade rolled his eyes at the juvenile display. "You'd better get over those cooties, boy. You're back almost a full day early, by the way. What did you do, browbeat the man into letting one of you carry him?"

"Well, he was in a little bit of a hurry to get home and change, see, because he pissed on himself like a little girl, so –"

"Never mind. I don't want to know," Tsunade

changed her mind. "Deliver the books to Temari and then treat her to dinner on my account."

"But why can't Shikamaru do it?" Naruto whined.

"Because you're to tell him that I need him here immediately."

"What for?" Naruto groaned, but made to do as she bid.

"Because I said so, that's why." When he was almost gone, she offered one last parting comment. "The reason they're really lifting your restriction is so that you can be sent to Suna, eventually."

Naruto froze with his hand on the door.

"You wanted to know, didn't you? Hopefully you can see it as a perk. Now go away, brat."

"See you, old lady!" Naruto responded automatically, taking comfort in the familiar exchange.

Now it was time for the most awkward meal of his life.

* * *

A/N: Up next: hijinks ensue.

I also want to note that I have posted a new chaptered story entitled _Playing the Game_. It's an entirely different monster from this one, though. I just wanted to assure _Foreign Affairs_ readers that the update schedule will not be affected. Both tales have been in the works for quite some time now.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! (Sort of.)

This may very well be the chapter many of you have been waiting for, despite the extended but necessary lead in.

I'm pretty sure my street cred is shot to hell after this. What the fuck ever.

Shitloads of gratitude to my usual crew, and especially Mikeytron. Your input is invaluable.

Just to be clear: WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON! WARNING NONCON!

Hope you all enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. I guess I'm sort of evil.

* * *

After his irritatingly intense meeting with Tsunade was finally, blissfully over, Naruto opened the room's heavy doors to find Sakura waiting for him. He was surprised to see that she looked small and afraid in a way he hadn't known her to be in years, since the end of their genin days.

"Hey, Sakura-chan, what's wrong?" he asked, frowning in concern.

"Nothing's wrong, Naruto," she returned, barely managing a wan smile. "What did Tsunade-shishou want?"

"Uh, boring stuff," he replied, fishing. "Nothing, really." Spying a dark look on Sakura's face that could easily become thunderous, he elaborated. "She just wanted to yell at me a little more, that's all. You know it cheers her up. And she needs Shikamaru for something so I have to go take Temari to dinner."

This caught Sakura off-guard. "What? Why can't she take herself? And I thought we were supposed to go out for ramen."

Naruto shrugged. "Who knows? She seemed a little too pleased about ordering me to do it, though."

"In that case, Temari may have already eaten and Shishou could probably put off talking to Shikamaru, too," giggled Sakura. "It's your fault, you know. You annoy her too much."

"She annoys _me_," Naruto grumbled. "Sorry about the ramen, though. You know I'd rather do that. Another time, though, I guess." Pausing, he reconsidered. "Hey, why don't you come with me? There's no rule against that. Well, there might be, but I don't care."

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Such a rebel," she laughed, tucking her arm into his and leading him away. "You're definitely the best at aggravating her. I can't say I blame her for punishing you."

"Eh, she enjoys it," Naruto shrugged as Sakura waved goodbye to Izumo and Kotetsu. The two ninja were wrestling with piles of paperwork in the outer office. "Did you guys piss off the hag too?"

"Probably," Kotetsu replied, grinning underneath his bandage.

"We exist, don't we?" confirmed Izumo.

"True enough," Naruto laughed, exiting the room with Sakura. "Coming, then?"

She just nodded and moved a little closer to him. Her uncommon proximity made him a little uncomfortable, if truth be told, but he chose to ignore it. Rarely had he seen her so upset without an obvious cause. If latching onto him made her feel better for some reason then it was fine with him. They walked along in easy silence for awhile until someone shouted.

"Forehead!" Ino called. "Wait up!" The blonde girl trotted up to the pair, Kiba and Akamaru close on her heels. Noticing Sakura's hold on Naruto, Ino squealed. "Ooh, are you two on a _date_?"

"I don't know, Ino-pig. Are _you_ on a date?" Sakura returned coolly, staring significantly at Kiba. He blushed slightly but tried to hide it.

"Ew, no!" Ino protested. "You know he's helping to rebuild our greenhouses. Don't be crude, Billboard Brow."

"I have a name, you know," Kiba growled, put out.

Naruto laughed, a true, easy laugh of the sort he hadn't felt since Tsunade dropped the bomb on him. "Girls think – girls think you're gross, Dog Breath!" he wheezed out happily.

"Shut up," the jounin snapped in annoyance. Akamaru growled as well, so in retaliation, Naruto mimed picking a flea off of his arm.

"So, really, are you?" Ino needled, paying no mind to the boys.

"Not really," Sakura answered with a giggle. "Shishou needs Shikamaru for something, so she told Naruto to take Temari to dinner. I'm only going to make sure he doesn't cause any international incidents."

"Shit. The old lady's going to kill me for wasting time. You know how long it takes Shikamaru to do anything, and I don't even know where he's at."

Ino sniffed, nose in the air. "Not if you know how to talk to him. I'll do it. Come on." With that, she stalked off, obviously expecting to be followed.

Shaking his head with an amused smile, Naruto exchanged a look with Sakura and trailed after the flouncing girl.

After Ino had travelled a few feet, she looked back at Kiba expectantly. "Well? Aren't you coming?" Akamaru yipped and bounded up to the group happily, but his master feigned a disinterested shrug and sauntered after the rest more slowly. When Kiba neared, Ino asked, "He's probably at the Academy, but will you check?"

As they continued walking, Kiba nodded and lifted his nose to the breeze. "He's there, and the foreign scent with him is probably Temari. She smells like wind and metal polish."

Ino blinked in mild interest. "What does Shikamaru smell like, then?"

"I never really thought about it before. Smooth wood, I guess. Grass. And after Asuma…." He trailed off, wincing at the pain that struck Ino's features. "A trace of cigarettes."

Naruto sniggered. "I guess laziness _does_ have a smell."

* * *

Temari had chosen the first restaurant she'd seen, which happened to be Yakiniku Q. Making little to no conversation and ignoring everyone as a whole, she seemed to be trying to get the ordeal over with as quickly as possible. Naruto couldn't blame her much, considering he shared that particular sentiment.

Kiba had ensured that the evening started out on the wrong foot. Utilising all of the stealth necessary for his specialised career, he had silently crept down the Academy hallway and slid open a particular classroom's door in one swift motion. "Stop making out!" he'd yelled, promptly dissolving into guffaws. "Aw, man. Your faces! It was awesome."

Temari's position across the room from Shikamaru's desk made it clear that Kiba's allegation was unfounded. She hadn't appreciated the joke, if her next words were any indication.

"Why, if it isn't a little ragtag band of weaklings. Come to play? The Academy students are all outside now, if you're looking for mates."

Though she had never been the friendliest of women, even Shikamaru noted her unusual frostiness. "Geez, Temari," he had drawled. "You're more bi – spirited than usual today. What's got your goat?"

The Sand kunoichi's eyes narrowed, hearing the word that Shikamaru had almost said. "Poor company, maybe. It's hard to say."

Shikamaru's lips had hardened into a firm line at the dig. From that point on, everyone's moods had been spiralling steadily downward.

Naruto's unhappy reverie was interrupted by a glancing blow to the head, though it was only a slight love tap by Sakura's usual standards.

"Naruto! Where the hell are you? It's time to order," his pink-haired friend snapped impatiently.

The waitress laughed breathily and bent over the table to wink at him, purposely flashing a bit of cleavage. Naruto's face heated in embarrassment. Belatedly, he realized that while he had been lost in thought, his line of sight had been directly on level with the woman's chest. Clearly, she had noticed.

He opened his mouth to explain that the ogling had been unintentional but she cut him off before he had the chance. "Don't worry about it, cutie. It happens all the time. A kunoichi has to keep her body trim, after all!" She twirled, letting go a giggle so high-pitched that it made him wince.

Seated between Sakura and Temari on one side of the booth, Naruto flinched instinctively, knowing this could not end well for him. Temari simply continued to disregard his presence, glaring at the wall. Sakura, however, surprised him by frowning deeply at the flirtatious woman.

"Do I know you?" Sakura asked.

It was the waitress' turn to frown, flipping her long, violet tresses over one shoulder. "You don't recognize me, Sakura? It's Ami. We went to Academy together."

"Ami!" Ino exclaimed, incredulous. "_You're_ a kunoichi? Since when?"

Ami's face soured. "Of course I am. I only work here part-time, just like _you_ do at your family's little flower shop. We passed the graduation exam at the same time, didn't we? Just because it took me longer to officially become a genin doesn't mean that you're any better than me," she declared defiantly.

"'Course not, Ami. I knew it was you right off," consoled Kiba, seemingly disregarding the obvious friction between the females. "Who could forget such a pretty –" Dragging a lecherous gaze up and down her petite figure, he finished, "face?" His lips split in a wolfish grin. Responding to the attention, the coy smile returned to Ami's features.

Naruto's eyes were still trained on Sakura, waiting for muscles to bunch in the familiar way that would tell him someone was about to be knocked flat. She was tense all over but, uncharacteristically, made no move to hit anyone. Eyes hardening, she spat, "Can we just order?"

Naruto was quick to obey, placing a previously agreed upon order for the table. Ami wrote his specifications down, overlooking the females in favour of Naruto and Kiba. "I haven't seen you guys in forever!" she gushed. "You're so popular, you know. Everyone seems to be talking about you these days. Especially you, Naruto," she added, directing a warm smile at him. "You're quite the hotshot, I hear." Leaning over slightly to run her hand over his arm, she added huskily, "I can't say that I'm surprised."

Sakura's knuckles grew white where she gripped the table edge.

"Oh yeah? You heard I made jounin, then, huh?" bragged Kiba.

"Sakura," Ino interjected, "didn't you make jounin recently? I forgot to ask."

"Huh?" Naruto was confused. Sakura had been a special jounin for awhile; Tsunade had promoted her so that she could serve in Shizune's stead. Ino definitely knew that.

"Yeah, Ino. I'm a tokubetsu jounin now. What about you, Ami?" Sakura simpered, her smile deceptively sweet.

Ami's cheeks flushed. "I better bring this order to the back," she mumbled, hurrying away.

"I knew it! She's still a genin," Ino laughed maliciously.

"_I'm_ still a genin," Naruto pointed out with a slight frown.

Ino rolled her eyes. "Don't be an idiot. That's not the point. The point is she's a complete bitch."

"What? I thought she was kind of nice."

Sakura snorted. "Well, you would, wouldn't you? I bet _Kiba_ thought she was nice, too. You wouldn't know a bitch if she hit you square in the face, Naruto."

"Evidently," Temari spoke for the first time in awhile. Her eyes snapped from Sakura to Ino.

They let the comment slide, apparently taking it at face value. Ino turned her attention to Kiba. "And you! Do you have to be so _disgusting_ all the time? She's not even cute."

Kiba leered. "I don't know. She's got a good set of tits on her. Doesn't she, Naruto?"

Naruto's face flushed crimson once again. "I don't know what you're talking about, Dog Breath," he said airily, kicking his friend in the shin none too softly.

"No need for violence, Naruto," Kiba teased. "I'm just saying you're healthy, that's all!"

Sakura's fist came down hard on the top of Naruto's head, forcing his chin to snap against the table surface. "Don't you _dare_ date that slut, pea-brain!" she seethed.

He came up slowly, gingerly rubbing his sore jaw. "Who said anything about dating anybody?"

Kiba leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. "What have you all got against her, anyway?"

Sakura turned away angrily, crossing her arms against her chest. "Nothing."

"No chance of me witnessing a cat fight then, eh? Shame."

"No!" Ino snapped, sweeping his arms off the table so quickly that he almost fell over. "And mind your table manners." Expression smoothing into a pleasant smile, she made an obvious play at changing the subject. "Naruto, I hope you haven't bought your formal kimono yet. I just know you'd pick something hideous and ill-fitting. I can see it now; an orange monstrosity…." She shuddered at the image in her mind's eye. "Anyway, we'll take you to get it. We can't have you buying something that would clash with Forehead's kimono, which is positively gorgeous. You'll _die_ when you see it! Until you see_ mine_, of course. Then she'll probably seem a little drab, but it can't be helped, I suppose," Ino sighed dramatically.

"Shut up, Pig! I look way better than you could ever hope to," returned Sakura hotly.

Naruto stared at them, blank-faced. "What the hell do I need a formal kimono for?"

Sakura rolled her eyes in a display of irritation. "For Hinata's _wedding_, you moron! It's in a week and a half."

"Didn't you know it was a fancy do?" Ino asked scathingly. "It's a Hyuuga affair! You have to dress up."

"You should be happy. I'm letting you go as my date, after all," Sakura added.

"Since when?" said Naruto dazedly.

Frowning, Sakura put a finger to her chin thoughtfully. "Didn't I say anything before?" She shrugged. "Oh well. I'm telling you now. So, is the day after tomorrow okay for shopping? I'll make an appointment at the tailor's."

"Don't," he whispered, still in a bit of shock.

"Naruto, you have to get properly fitted," Sakura insisted in exasperation. "It won't take long. I won't let them poke you with the pins or anything. Relax."

"I'm not getting fitted for anything because I'm not going to the wedding," Naruto said forcefully, finally comprehending what he was being told.

"_What?"_ gasped Ino and Sakura in unison. Kiba frowned.

"You _have_ to go, Naruto! _Everyone's_ going, practically," Ino scolded in utterly scandalised tones.

"Naruto," Sakura began seriously, turning to look him straight in the eyes. "I know there will be … a lot of people there, which makes you uncomfortable." Ino started, surprised at this small revelation. "But you're an important figure in the village now. The Hyuuga wedding may be the biggest social event in a decade. More importantly, Hinata considers you one of her dearest friends. It will be perceived as a huge insult to the Hyuuga if you decline to attend." She reached out to put a hand on his arm, but he pulled away, failing to meet her gaze. "Hinata will be hurt, Naruto. Why?"

He sighed heavily, running a hand through his messy hair. "No, she won't."

"What do you mean she won't? Of course she will!" Ino protested. "How could you even _consider_ not going? It's so –"

"I'm _not_ going. Sorry, Sakura-chan, but you'll have to find someone else."

"But I don't understand!" she cried softly. "I thought you and Hinata were sort of close. Why wouldn't you go to her wedding?"

Naruto stared at his fists on the table, clenching them so tightly it hurt. He wished they would just shut up, but when they got their teeth into something like this –

Kiba surprised them all by speaking up. "Leave the man alone. He said he's not going, so that's that."

"How could you take his side, Kiba?" accused Ino. "You're Hinata's teammate!"

"Exactly," he stated harshly. "I'm her teammate, so I think I know her better than you do. Drop it."

Ino _hmphed_ in anger. "He'd probably do something totally embarrassing anyway." Her puzzled eyes met Sakura's, who shrugged.

"The backlash is on you, then, Naruto," Sakura said, sighing in defeat. "I won't defend you this time."

Kiba caught Naruto's eye in a rare show of understanding. The corners of Naruto's mouth turned up in gratitude.

He noticed Temari was eyeing him with interest for once, eyebrows raised questioningly. He gave his head a small shake in her direction. No way in _hell_ was he going to explain what that was about to _her_ of all people. Clearly, the world had conspired to create the most humiliating set of circumstances possible in front of the most mortifying witness it could conjure. He really didn't think it could get much worse.

Naruto immediately regretted his thought as he caught sight of something in his peripheral vision that he'd hoped to never see again. Groaning, he sank down into his seat. "Oh shit. Hide me, Sakura-chan!"

"Hide you from what? I don't see anything."

Her question answered itself when a young girl bounded up to the table with a loud screech of "Naruto-sama!"

"Uh … hi. Aiko, right?" he floundered, eyes darting left and right in search of an escape route. Unfortunately, he was blocked in.

"Of course, silly! But _you_ can call me Aiko-chan," she fluttered, giggling. A slight scowl formed on her face as she noticed all the girls at the table with him, but she wiped it away quickly enough. "I guess I kind of put you on the spot the other day, in front of everyone else. I thought you might have been a little embarrassed and didn't want to make the other girls jealous." Her smile widened. "But you don't have to be embarrassed! I don't mind. It's cute, just like you!" she squealed, hands coming up to her mouth in excitement. "So, how about tomorrow night, Naruto-sama? You said you liked seafood, right?"

She started to fidget a little as the entire table gaped openly at her, but glared at the older girls in challenge.

"Um. Aiko," Naruto began.

"Aiko-chan," she corrected sternly.

"Aiko-chan. Whatever. I really don't mean to hurt your feelings again or anything, but I thought I made it pretty clear before that I wasn't interested in you like, uh, _that_."

The smile dropped off her face. "Who said you hurt my feelings?" she snapped, suddenly fuming. "Why didn't you just say so, then?"

Naruto squirmed awkwardly. "Well, I kind of _did_, actually."

Kiba couldn't take it anymore. He burst into laughter so loud that Ino swatted at him and covered her ears. "Holy shit! You just got hit on by a toddler!" he choked out. "_Naruto-sama!_" he mocked in a high-pitched falsetto. "_Oh, Naruto-sama, go out with me, please! I'll be the most popular girl in my class!"_

Aiko's face was turning a conspicuous shade of red. She stood stock still, small fists clenched.

"Shut the fuck up, dipshit!" Naruto snarled, blushing right along with her.

"Don't be such an ass, Kiba," Sakura scolded. "She's just a kid." She turned to the dejected girl with a kind smile, opening her mouth to say something, when Ami returned with a large tray of meat.

"What are you doing bothering my tables, you little twerp?" Ami said, bumping Aiko aside with her hip. "Go in the back and stay out of the way. My shift's over soon."

"I was _busy_, Nee-chan!" whined Aiko. "Stay out of it." Having apparently found her courage once more, she turned back to Naruto. "You never answered me, Naruto-sama. How does tomorrow sound?" Then she addressed Sakura. "And I'm not a _kid_. I'll be a ninja soon!"

"Nee-chan?" asked Ino in surprise. Looking at the pair, Naruto didn't know why he didn't put it together sooner. The two girls shared hair of almost exactly the same shade of purple. "Of course you're sisters!" Ino continued. "Not knowing when someone's _not_ into you must be a family trait."

Sakura and Ino snickered meanly at the jibe. "Sorry," Sakura said, suddenly moulding herself to Naruto's side coquettishly, throwing a leg halfway over his lap. "Naruto-sama here only goes for _real_ women. Isn't that right?" she purred, tracing the whisker marks on his cheeks.

He shoved her off without thinking, pushing a little too hard. She reeled, struggling to keep her balance and stay in the booth. "I was just kidding, you know," she said with a scowl.

"It wasn't funny. It was fucked up," he snapped, seeing her face morph from the shock and hurt of being spoken to like that. Ignoring both her and a small pang of guilt, he turned back to the pair of sisters. "Sorry. Like I said…. I'm not trying to insult anyone, but no thanks."

Aiko was glaring daggers at both Sakura and Naruto now. "You should have said you had a girlfriend before I made a fool of myself! I thought you were different after the way Iruka-sensei talked about you, but you're just a stupid _jerk!_" She spun on her heel and ran into the kitchen, almost bowling over another waitress in the process.

Ami sighed. "Thanks for making my little sister cry, you assholes." She slammed the meat down on the table, making the plates bounce. "You're lucky this happened _after_ I got your food, or I'd have spit in it." With that, she flounced after Aiko, calling her name.

"I can't _believe_ you have a fan girl. You! Uzumaki Naruto! Fan girls! I don't get it," Kiba proclaimed, shaking his head as he watched Ami retreat. He started arranging the meat on the grill so it could begin to cook.

Ino turned to Naruto with a deliberately evaluative look that he'd never seen her direct towards him before. It was vaguely terrifying. "I guess I can see it," she said finally. "You're strong, not to mention your pedigree. I can't believe you kept that a secret, by the way. What were you _thinking_?"

"I didn't _know_ about –" he protested, but she didn't pay attention.

"Your looks…." she continued, giving him a contemplative once-over. "Still a little juvenile, but I can see you'll fill out. Plus, you have that air of danger, which always helps."

Confused, Naruto turned to Sakura. "Did _Ino_ just say that I'm attr —?"

Sakura giggled, putting her hand over his mouth lightly. "Yes, but if you push it, she'll take it back."

Ino sniffed. "Of course, it's obvious that Iruka has corrupted his poor students towards you. If they knew what a goof you are they wouldn't look twice."

Kiba, who'd been glowering during the exchange, brightened slightly.

Naruto groaned, laying his head down on the table in defeat. "It's true. Iruka-sensei thinks it's funny. I'm going to _kill_ him – and I _mean_ it this time."

Temari, whom Naruto had been almost-successfully trying to pretend wasn't there, broke her extended silence with her first laugh of the night. "I seem to remember you envying my brother once, when he was similarly afflicted," she reminded, her naturally husky voice more genial than he'd heard it in awhile.

Sakura joined in with a good-natured grin. "Me too! You were _totally_ jealous of Gaara-sama that one time. Changed your mind, huh?"

Naruto furrowed his brow, trying to figure out what they were talking about. Then he had it: Gaara had had girls fawning all over him after Teams Kakashi and Gai had returned him to his people. Naruto groaned, sitting up. "Well, _they_ weren't _twelve_." With a sigh, he grudgingly admitted, "And it does look a lot cooler than it actually is."

Temari smiled, real warmth broaching her teal eyes for once. "Be careful what you wish for, then," she said, spearing a piece of seared meat with her chopsticks.

After that, the tense mood seemed to be broken and they chatted more easily, though Temari still opted to listen rather than join in for the most part. Sakura and Ino were happily planning a shopping trip in Fire City. It seems Sakura had convinced the Hokage to give the girls an easy mission to the capital and some extra time afterwards as a reward.

"I didn't get to scout much this time," Sakura complained. "_Someone_ always has to cause a scene so we have to rush home," she shot at her teammate in accusation.

"Aw, Sakura-chan, you know you'd be bored without me," he returned, grinning with his mouth full.

"Gross. Anyway," she continued, turning to him, "I meant to ask you what you need for your apartment. I haven't been there for awhile, so I don't know what you've already picked up."

Temari scoffed and the girls looked at her strangely. Naruto reddened slightly, but answered, "Um, I haven't gotten anything, really."

Sakura stared. "You mean all you have is that bed you bought ages ago? Really?"

"Yeah. So I need some stuff, I guess," he said, fidgeting in discomfiture at the scrutiny. "Why?"

"Figures," Sakura snorted, rolling her eyes. "I almost had Shishou add you to the mission, but figured you would just annoy us."

Ino looked mortified. "Forehead! How could you? He'd be awful. He has no _taste_!" she hissed.

"Hey!" Naruto protested, pouting.

"And he'd be sure to break something expensive," Ino added.

"Well, I know that, Pig! I didn't add him, did I? It's a good thing, too, because if I had, we might have had to delay since he's on a _month's medical leave_," Sakura snickered.

"Medical leave? Why?" asked Kiba, briefly breaking from stuffing his face to appease his curiosity.

"Nothing," Naruto said quickly.

"Nothing my _ass_," scoffed Kiba. "You don't look injured to me. What's wrong with you? Did Sakura finally scramble your brains beating on you all the time?"

Sakura scowled. "Of course not! He offended the daimyo so Tsunade-shishou had to pretend he was unstable and needed time off for mental health."

Kiba's mouth dropped open, half chewed beef on display. "Seriously? Wow. Sure she's pretending?"

"That's not exactly how it went," Naruto growled, glaring at them both. _Thanks_, _Sakura_, he thought bitterly.

Temari frowned. "A whole month?"

Naruto knew what she was thinking. "Uh, yeah. But I was restricted to Fire Country anyway, before. Baa-chan says the Council's going to change that, though." Catching her eye, he added, "Soon." She nodded in understanding.

"Whatever," said Kiba. "My money's on you getting a whole month of construction duty. Sucks to be you."

"It's not that different from what I was doing before. I don't mind it. It's kind of my fault it needs to be done anyway."

"That's stupid, Naruto," Sakura said gently, frowning. "Anyway, I was thinking I'd order furniture and whatever you needed while I was there. You'll obviously never do it yourself."

Naruto shrugged. "Sure. You still have access to my bank account, right, Sakura-chan?"

Ino and Kiba exchanged a surprised look at this, but he didn't know why they were so shocked. Sakura was his best friend and she had taken care of his affairs when he was away with Jiraiya. He trusted her implicitly. "Yeah," Sakura replied. "And why don't Ino and I decorate your place for you? You can help us plan, Naruto. It'll be fun!"

Ino seemed to be getting into the plan as well, now. "We should go over to your flat tomorrow to get measurements and brainstorm!"

"I don't know," said Naruto cautiously. "Are you sure you guys won't go overboard? I'm not even there that much."

"Don't do it," advised Kiba. "You'll end up with something pink and frilly."

Ino hit him. "We wouldn't do that. He's a _guy_, not a little girl."

Naruto grinned snarkily. "Yeah, hear that, Dog Breath? I'm not _you._"

"Come on," wheedled Sakura. "You know you hate that place as it is. Or, I do, at least. It's so … severe."

"Okay," Naruto conceded. The two girls pumped their fists in victory. "But seriously, Sakura-chan. Don't go crazy on me. Simple stuff is fine." Sighing, he directed to Kiba, "I have a bad feeling about this."

Sakura smiled at him reassuringly. "Don't be silly. I know you, right? You'll love it!" She stretched sinuously, patting her belly in satisfaction. "I think I broke my diet."

"Why would a kunoichi need to diet?" Temari asked disdainfully.

Sakura simply rolled her eyes. "Just kidding. I did used to diet when I was younger. I was pretty stupid then," she admitted with a giggle. "I think Pig over there still counts calories, though."

Ino flushed slightly. "Do not. And there's nothing wrong with staying slim."

"There's nothing wrong with training, either. Maybe you should try it sometime," Temari quipped nastily.

Ino bristled at the insult, but Sakura interrupted the confrontation before it could begin. "I have to get going to help Shishou with some paperwork," she said, making a face at the prospect. She slid out of the booth. "Walk with me, Ino. I'll tell you more about Naruto's apartment. You've never seen it, right?" Sakura turned to him. "You don't mind covering us, do you? I'll get you later, after the shopping trip is over." Without waiting for his response, she leaned over to plant a quick kiss on his cheek. "Thanks! We'll meet tomorrow, noonish, at your place to show Ino around."

Ino nodded. "'Bye Kiba, Temari-san," she said, getting up to following her friend. "Thanks for dinner, Naruto."

"See you later!" Sakura called over her shoulder.

"Man," Kiba said, shaking his head. "You let broads walk all over you. It's pathetic."

"The mongrel's right, for once. I'm surprised you came up with that," Temari commented. "I thought your mutt did all the thinking, and he's still outside."

Kiba scowled but ignored the jibe. "Seriously, though. Grow a pair. You're embarrassing to associate with, Naruto."

"Stay out of my business, Dog Breath."

Smiling at his friend's discomfort, Kiba leaned over to clap him on the orange-clad shoulder. "It's all right, man. I get it. You know, I never thought I'd say this, but I think little Sakura-chan might finally have a thing for you. She was way too touchy-feely tonight."

"Nah, she's just a little upset lately. Found out I'm in a couple Bingo books is all. She wouldn't let me out of her sight for almost two weeks after the Pain attack, remember?"

"Yeah, that was sort of annoying, wasn't it? So you're in a Bingo book, finally! Maybe I'm next, heh."

"Sure," Naruto snorted. "Well, you might piss someone off enough. Who knows? You _are_ sort of obnoxious."

"Yeah, whatever. Congratulations, though."

"It's not like it's something I did. Just luck of the draw."

Temari frowned. "Having a price put on your head is not something to be congratulated on, Inuzuka. Show a little tact."

Kiba snorted. "Look who's talking about tact." He dug in his pockets, looking for something. "All right, I'm out. Don't worry, though. I won't stick you with my portion of the bill." He threw a wad of cash on the table.

"I'd like to see you try," Naruto warned darkly.

"Oh, that's right! I don't have the right parts to pull that off," Kiba laughed, waving over his shoulder.

Naruto chose to glare at his retreating back rather than look at the kunoichi he now shared the booth alone with.

"Bingo books?" she inquired softly.

He nodded, removing them from his weapons pouch and sliding them closer to her. She stowed them away without investigating. "They're authentic. For you to take to your Council. Baa-chan said they'd understand the implications." Hesitating, he added, "She said … bounty hunters might target you, if it gets out. Just so you know."

"We'll just have to ensure that it doesn't get out."

"Yeah, I guess."

An awkward silence permeated the air between them until Ami wandered over with the check.

Inspecting it, he frowned. "This is kind of high."

"Yeah, well, I slipped you our best beef, since I know you and all. But the cook caught me, so you have to pay for it," Ami said flatly.

"Whatever," he sighed. He couldn't put this much on the Hokage's tab. She'd throw a fit. Pulling out Gama-chan, he all but emptied it as he added to the pile Kiba had started. "The extra's for you. Sorry for all the trouble." He figured he at least owed the girl that. They _had_ gone to Academy together, after all.

"Thanks!" responded Ami, smiling again. "Come back anytime and request me if I'm working. Leave your little friends at home, though, okay?" Naruto winced. "And don't worry about my sister. I'll take care of it. She always thinks she's older than she is."

"Thanks," Naruto said genuinely. "That's nice of you."

"Don't mention it. A favour for a handsome man is no hardship," she teased. "See you around, Naruto."

She gathered the money and left, swaying her hips a bit too deliberately.

"Was that out of your own pocket?" Temari asked once Ami was gone. "Why would you do that? Shikamaru charges it to the Hokage."

He sighed. "Yeah, well, as Sakura-chan was kind enough to point out, the daimyo is a little more likely to cut corners in the near future, thanks to me. Paying for a dinner or two isn't a big deal. Well, Princess," he said, playing on his first words during that fateful meeting, "shall I lead you to the gates, then?"

"No," she said with a frown.

"I guess you're right. We shouldn't be seen together. Until next time, then."

"That's not what I meant." She lowered her voice until he had to strain to hear it. "You're going to leave. I'm going to go into the bathroom, henge, and then wait a couple of minutes before meeting you at your apartment. Am I clear?"

"But Baa-chan said you were leaving because I wasn't expected back!" Naruto protested in alarm.

"Konoha is more tolerant than Suna, then. There is only so much liaison business they can procure, and now I am to bring them news that you're confined for a month? If I come home without having ... made progress, they will want to know why. What should I tell them, Naruto? They didn't know you weren't going to be here when they sent me. The mission excuse is too flimsy to hold up. If we have time for a meal, then we have time for other things. I can make up an hour or two during travel easily enough."

"Baa-chan would have told me if there was some sort of rush," he whispered, trying to dissuade her. "I just got home and I'm _tired_."

Her eyes flashed. It was obvious she was quickly losing what remained of her patience. "I don't care if she said we can wait until next _year_! I care about _my_ Council, not yours. Don't you get that? In case you haven't noticed, Konoha isn't calling the shots here. We don't have to grovel for the Sound invasion anymore. That's over. _We're_ the up man now. Get used to it."

"Fine," he snapped. "Have it your way." He slammed out of the booth forcefully, storming off without a glance behind to see if she was following.

He was supposed to _sleep_ with this harpy? He couldn't even get along with her for an entire dinner.

* * *

She came to the door disguised as one of his teammates.

"What the –? Sai? This is a bad time," he began, thrown for a loop. Sai had never visited him at his apartment before, or indeed expressed an interest in knowing where it was located.

"You idiot," Sai hissed in Temari's voice. "Let me in."

"Oh. Right," he said, stepping aside for her.

When the door was closed, she dropped the henge. "I guess I got him right, then. It _can't_ be healthy to be that white. That's why I remembered him. That and he dresses like ... you know."

Naruto laughed. "Yeah, I do know. He's unique, all right. Girls seem to like him, though."

"Really?" Temari asked, scrunching her nose in disbelief. "Why?"

"Beats me," Naruto replied with a lopsided grin, gratified that someone of the female persuasion wasn't illogically enamoured with his odd friend. Then again, she _had_ met him, if only briefly.

"Where's your bedroom?" she inquired bluntly, pulling him back down to Earth.

"Follow me," he intoned dully, heading towards a room down the short hallway and to the left from the main space.

Once inside, they stared at one another uneasily, each seemingly unwilling to take the first step closer. Finally, he broke the silence. "I _did_ just get back from a mission, so I think I'll take a shower, if you don't mind."

She nodded stiffly, seating herself on his bed. He disappeared into his connecting bathroom. As soon as the door was shut, he leaned his head against it wearily, breathing deeply. He stripped quickly, glad he was at least spared the indignity of doing so in front of an audience. Going through the motions of bathing himself, he tried not to think about what was to come. He knew what to expect. How could he not, after years of being Jiraiya's unwilling editor-in-chief? Knowing and _doing, _however, were entirely different.

When he could put it off no longer, he stepped out of his small shower and wrapped a towel around his lower body. The action was probably pointless, but he couldn't bear the thought of facing her with absolutely nothing to hide behind.

Inhaling one last time to collect himself, Naruto slid open the bathroom door. Temari, too, had optimised her preparation time. Her garments were folded neatly on the floor underneath her dangerous fan and the bedclothes were pulled up to her armpits, for which he was grateful. He slid into bed beside her, pulling off the towel to drop on the floor only after he was covered. As he did so, he felt his hand shaking and willed it to stop.

"It's pretty obvious you've never done this before," she said finally.

"Yeah," he whispered, not quite finding his voice. "Have you?"

"Yes. Does that bother you?" Her tone was indifferent, but he noticed how her fingers gripped the sheets tighter and how she wasn't looking at him as she spoke.

"No," he answered truthfully. "It's probably better that you have."

She rolled over to face him. "Let's do this, then. Just follow my lead." Leaning forward, she brushed her lips softly over his. When he didn't respond, she scooted closer so that the length of her naked body was pressed against his. She kissed him again, more firmly this time.

He was still frozen in place. "Come on, Naruto. Don't be such a baby. Help me out a little," she commanded in irritation.

Though his muscles were still too tense to allow full movement, he initiated another kiss, a deeper one. She opened her mouth to him, prompting him with her tongue. Hesitantly, he began a sloppy exchange, still not really getting why people were supposed to like this so much.

Temari reached down between his legs, startling him; he broke apart from her so quickly that he almost fell off the bed. She laughed a little and pulled him back. "Relax. I'm not _that_ ugly, am I?"

"N-no," he stuttered. "It's not that, I swear it's –" He stopped talking when she started licking his jugular. Her hand found his flaccid penis once more and began slowly stroking it. Eventually, it began to respond naturally to the stimulation.

He just lay there under her ministrations, still unable to move properly. Growling in frustration, she grabbed his hand and shoved it into her crotch. "Do something," she ordered.

He obeyed, fumbling around trying to imitate what he'd read. Judging by her continued dryness, he guessed he was unsuccessful.

She moved his hand away, rubbing herself along his steadily hardening member instead. They continued like this for awhile until Temari slid up to straddle him. As she did so, panic suddenly overwhelmed him. He shoved her off.

"What the fuck?"

"I can't do this," he muttered. "I'll go to Tsunade and I'll tell her – I just can't fucking do this. I thought I could, but I can't."

"You can and you _will_ do this, you idiot," she snarled, clambering back atop him. "I don't care if you don't like me. I don't care if you don't even like _women_."

He tried to push her away again but she refused to let him. Holding his shoulders down with a strength he hadn't expected, she lowered herself onto his shaft, wincing in slight pain because her body wasn't quite ready to receive him. Leaning over him, she began to move. She went slowly at first but picked up speed quickly. Minutes passed. Somewhere along the line, his body forgot his mind's protests and he started to move with her. His hands found her hips and he squeezed, twisting slightly as she came down. With each thrust, her nipples grazed his chest.

After awhile, he felt a familiar tightening. "I'm going to –" he gasped.

"Don't you dare. Not yet," she moaned, but it was too late. He spilled his seed inside her.

She groaned unhappily, flopping down beside him on the bed.

"Sorry," he croaked, filled with a sense of shame and humiliation that he couldn't fully explain.

"What are you sorry for? We accomplished what was necessary," she said flatly.

"Because you didn't –"

"That's not important," she cut him off.

"Next time, I'll make sure you finish."

"Oh, really?" she snapped, sitting up to glare at him. "With your _immense_ skill, _you'll_ make sure of that?" He flushed. "Will there even _be_ a next time? You mentioned speaking to the Hokage. You'd rather go to war than fuck me. Is that it?"

"Of course not! I was just a little ... freaked out, and –"

"I'll say. What the hell is wrong with you that you just _sit_ there like – like – like an imbecile!"

"The first time I let someone touch me without attacking after, I was almost ten years old," he blurted. She stopped her tirade, staring at him in confusion. "I – I didn't mean to say that."

"What did you mean to say?" she asked, not gently but less harshly.

"I'm an orphan," he tried to explain, feeling awkward. "A jinchuuriki. People just don't – don't _touch_ me, even casually. Not for a long time. Not even now, mostly. I never really thought anyone would _want_ to touch me. Not like _that_. Not that you want to anyway. I lost my nerve for a minute. I'm sorry."

He searched her face, not knowing what he was looking for. Pity, maybe, though he would resent it, or disgust. What he found was a flash of bitterness before angry tears began spilling down her cheeks.

"There it is again," she said cynically. "Every time I think you've grown up, you blind side me with that _face_. Those _eyes_."

"Face?" he whispered, not following at all.

"You change from a man to a lonely little boy in a split second. You turn into a cornered animal and it's written all over your face, yes! As if this whole thing wasn't bad enough before, you have to force me to rape a terrified child!"

Sobbing in earnest now, she scrambled over him, not caring that she kneed him in the gut in her desperate bid for privacy. She shot for the bathroom, slamming the door behind her so hard that the walls shook with the force of it.

He lay there, winded. His mind was blank but a deep sense of remorse pervaded. Vaguely, he recalled a younger version of himself naively declaring that his new ninja way would be to live a life with no regrets. He slowly picked himself up and stumbled towards the bathroom.

"Temari," he called.

"Go away, Naruto!"

He sighed. "Let me in." Only sniffles came from the other side of the door. He tried to pull it open, testing to see if it was locked. It wasn't. "I'm coming in now."

She was huddled on the floor, snivelling into her knees. She didn't look at him. He sat down next to her but didn't move to touch her.

"Thank you," he said, and she looked up in surprise. "For doing what needed to be done."

"I didn't really have a choice." She wiped at her face vigorously with the heel of her hand. "I hate –" She hiccoughed. "I _hate_ crying. It's humiliating."

"Why?" he asked simply. She didn't answer. "I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. I'm the one who acted like a – like a child." Her mouth turned up in a wry smile. "Besides, you've seen me cry before. Now we're even."

They sat there in silence for awhile, side by side and naked in his bathroom. Eventually, she said, "I'm going to take a shower and then leave. Okay?"

He just nodded and started gathering up his clothing. When he offered her a hand, she took it and pulled herself up. As he neared the exit, she whispered, "It's okay. Next time will be better."

Without turning around, he nodded once more and closed the door behind him.

* * *

A/N: There it is, in all its (anti) glory. What some have awaited in glee has finally arrived. I hope it comes with healthy doses of both reality and distaste; I hope it defies all expectations.

So, yes -- as many of you have openly pleaded, Naruto DOES get "laaa-haiid", though I stuck to my general policy of "if a euphemism is required, it's unnecessary detail". Jetslinger offered to write an alternative/omake of the scene we have fondly refer to as "the RAEEEEEEEEEEEP", ignoring the euphemism rule in the grandest of fashions. Sorry, guys. I tried to get him back for you if just a little bit, but he was too lazy to actually do it and I couldn't be arsed to force him. We both have a little bit of a problem in the procastination/indolence area, to be honest.

Also, I found a great anime screenshot example of the "face" Temari talks about in this chapter. If anyone is interested, paste this link (minus the spaces): http : // i20 . tinypic . com / 9lao9y . jpg


	6. HELLOOOOO!

A/N: First things first. An overwhelming number of messages and reviews commented on the link to the image of the "face" Temari mentions at the end of the Chapter 5. Most of them were along the lines of: "but h3 jsut loks retardddddddded!1!" Of course he does; that was the whole point. How could anyone look at GOOD NARUTO YOU LOOK KIND OF COOL and possibly think I was for real? I was completely shocked by this seeming lack of cognitive activity. My humour is a little (a lot) deadpan and it seems that the internet medium had you all fooled. I guess when I mocked my own rape scene I didn't make it clear enough, but to set the record straight: I refuse to take anything 100% seriously and no, nothing is sacred.

I also want to apologise for the long wait for this chapter. Life intervened; I wrote the chapter; I realised that I had completely ignored a manga arc in doing so; I cursed a LOT; I read the new manga chapter (which didn't jump the shark as much as usual, thank Jeebus); I slowly worked up the motivation to rewrite this story chapter; my pre-readers' lives intervened; to make up for this month, I decided to bully someone in particular into something that hopefully will be a treat for everyone. You can find said treat at the end of the normal installment.

Disclaimer: Even though Naruto is my favourite little cross-eyed reetee, I do not own him. (Fans everywhere celebrate at this proclamation.)

* * *

She showed up at his door bearing hot ramen and wearing an elaborate kimono. Limply standing in the doorway, he stared at her as she offered a timid smile.

"Sakura?" he said dumbly. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be somewhere?"

"I've been," she replied simply. "Can I come in, Naruto?"

"You're always welcome here, Sakura-chan," he murmured, moving aside for her.

She waddled past him and tried to set the ramen on the floor but struggled with the kimono. It seemed she couldn't bend properly. Trying unsuccessfully not to laugh, Naruto relieved her of the two bowls.

She flushed. "I really hate this thing." Idly, she plucked at one long, draping sleeve, ostensibly inspecting it for dirt. "It's pretty, though."

It finally dawned on him that this was Sakura ... in a kimono ... bringing him ramen. He looked at her now – really looked, this time. The silk was a pastel pink a few shades lighter than her hair. The flowers that crept quite far up the garment – cherry blossoms, of course – were a soft orange with gold highlights and her obi was a ruddier variation of those same hues. Though it clashed with her eyes, it suited her hair and pale complexion.

"Ino was right. You are gorgeous." She grinned, then, and more unguardedly than she usually allowed herself. He smiled back. "But I thought she forbid orange monstrosities or something like that. How'd you get away with it?"

Red crept into her cheeks again. "Or-orange is – orange can be okay," she stuttered, "when done right. And when you're not on a mission, you idiot," she shot, more herself, then averted her eyes again. "Actually, I chose it so that _you_ could wear orange – if you wanted, that is.... I bought it before I knew you couldn't go."

Suddenly, Naruto felt his throat clench up. He couldn't breathe. "I'm sorry, Sakura-chan," he choked out, feeling like the worst friend in the world. "Did you find someone to go with?"

She smiled again, though it was a little forced. "No. I kind of ... asked Lee, but –"

"_Lee?" _Naruto squawked in surprise.

"As friends! And anyway, he had already agreed to go with Tenten, so he couldn't –"

"How many times did he apologise to his cherry blossom?"

Sakura scowled. "About a hundred," she muttered in spite of himself.

Naruto couldn't stop himself from sniggering. "Shut up!" Sakura snapped. "Our ramen is getting cold."

He looked down at the bowls in his hand, having almost forgotten they were there. "Didn't you eat at the party?"

"Well, yes, but ...." She sighed and turned around. "This stupid obi is so tight I could barely get anything down. Untie it, will you?"

Setting the ramen down, he inspected the obi, which was tied in an intricate knot that he couldn't even begin to interpret. "How the hell do I even do that? I think I need an obi-no-jutsu to get you out of this thing."

"It's a fukura suzume," Sakura explained patiently. "I'll tell you how to undo it, so just listen." She walked him through the loops he needed to make, and eventually the obi was off – tangled, but no longer constricting Sakura. "Hand it to me," she instructed, holding an arm out to the side. He wondered why she didn't just turn around and take it, but then he noticed the now-slack material of the kimono and realised that it had fallen open without the obi. He dropped the snarled mess into her outstretched hand, blushing furiously.

"Naruto," she sighed. "You're hopeless." She struggled with the fabric for a minute and when it was finally loose, tied it around herself like a simple sash. Finally, she turned and flopped onto the ground, groaning in relief as she grabbed her ramen and snapped apart the chopsticks lying across the bowl. "Itadakimasu!" she chirped happily, digging in.

Sakura finished her ramen before him, for once, and stretched out languidly on the wooden floor. "I thought you might be a bit peckish, and everyone we know was at ...." she trailed off. "So I brought you this."

"And you weren't hungry at all, right?" he snorted, eyeing her empty dish.

She chucked a chopstick at him lazily. "I didn't eat earlier. No time. And I thought there'd be tons of food at the party, you know – and there was, I just had no idea I wouldn't be able to eat it. I'd never worn a furisode for something like that before."

"Where'd you get the ramen, since old man Ichiraku –" He cut himself off, eyes suddenly stinging.

"One of the new restaurants sells it," she answered quickly. "It's not the same, obviously, but it will have to do."

Setting his bowl aside, he lay down beside her, hands behind his head. "Thanks, Sakura-chan."

She repositioned so that she could utilise his stomach as a makeshift pillow. "It would have been a lot more fun if you'd been there," she said softly. "Everyone was too formal. Stiff, you know? You'd have lightened them up, though."

"So ... how was it? Did what's his face seem nice?" Naruto silently commended himself for managing to ask this question casually.

"What's his face? Oh, you mean Ko? I forgot you'd never met him. Yes, he's nice. Kind of bland, if you ask me, but maybe he was just nervous. I didn't get to see much of him today, though. He didn't leave Hinata's side, and I'm not of a station to get face-time with her, so ...."

"What do you mean? Didn't you see the wedding?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I didn't."

"Then what the hell did you go to?"

"The reception, dummy. Only family goes to the actual ceremony. Hinata fought, though, and her teammates were allowed to go. She really put her foot down. You'd have been proud of her."

"You didn't even get to see it? Then what was all this fuss about?"

"That's how it's always been, Naruto. Associates go to the reception, but only family goes to the wedding."

"I guess I don't know much about anything...." he trailed off. "It's so weird to think of Hinata being married. I mean, I know her clan is old fashioned and all, but to go as far as that? I don't even _know_ any married people, do you?"

"I do, and so do you. My parents are married."

"Really? I didn't know that."

"My mom's last name is Haruno, just like my dad's. Why did you think that was?"

"I don't know. I just never thought about it, I guess. Why'd they go and do something like that? Isn't it kind of pointless?"

He could feel Sakura shrug. "They're civilians, remember? Most civilians still get married."

"Not in shinobi villages, though. Not really."

"Well, it's true that some civilians in shinobi villages are more progressive, but outside, _everyone_ gets married."

"Everyone?"

"Did you _ever_ pay attention at Academy? Everyone. If people have children out of wedlock, the babies are considered bastards."

"Seriously? But I thought you were only a bastard if your father didn't claim you," Naruto protested, shocked that the world outside of Konoha was still so different and strange even though he'd lived away for years. He certainly couldn't claim to be the most observant shinobi he knew, that was for sure.

"Well, in Konoha, that's how we do it, but that's not how normal civilians view things. This isn't a very good example, but remember what a hard time Inari had before Tsunami remarried?"

"Huh. I guess you're right. But still, I kind of wish I could have gone, just to see what it was like. There will probably never be another wedding to go to."

"Sure there will. You can go to my wedding. I'll make sure you're at the ceremony, too. You deserve to be."

Naruto propped himself up on his elbows in order to stare incredulously at her face. "But you're not a civilian. Why get married? Marriages are only for conservative clans and ... and ...."

"And politics," she finished. He grimaced, realising for the first time that the maddening need for secrecy was probably the only thing that had saved him from a political marriage. "Well, normally, but some other people get married too, you know," Sakura continued. "My parents want me to, so if anyone ever ...." Her face fell slightly. "All in all, it's actually not very likely. But Ino wants to get married, too, so we can both go to her wedding one day."

Naruto flopped back down. "Why the hell would Ino get married? Her parents aren't married too, are they?"

"No, but her mother's a civilian whose parents were married. Ino saw a photo album one day, and.... Her mom says it's silly, but Ino thinks it's romantic. She'll do it, too. Changing kimono three times in one day? She loves things like that. She could have men lining up if she really wanted."

"I don't know about that. Men don't think marriage is practical anymore. Plus, Ino can be kind of, you know, obnoxious."

Sakura giggled. "But don't you think she's pretty? That's all most men care about."

"Eh, I've always thought you were prettier," Naruto replied without thinking, then froze.

Sakura rolled over to face him with a soft smile. "You're sweet, but you don't have to humour me." She paused and then began again, trepidation creeping into her eyes. "If you wanted to go to a wedding, why didn't you go to this one?"

He closed his eyes and breathed deeply, but didn't answer.

"Naruto," she prodded. "I don't understand. Please tell me what's been going on. You're so distant lately .... I hate it," she whispered, and he could hear the thickness of unshed tears in her voice.

Naruto exhaled the breath he'd been holding, feeling her warm weight on his stomach, and opened his eyes. "During the Pain attack," he began slowly, "Hinata told me she loved me. She told Pain, too. He used it against me," he confessed in a hoarse murmur. "When I thought she died, I really lost it. There were at least eight tails, Sakura. I think maybe.... There might have been nine."

Sakura gasped in shock. "But how – then, why are you –" She shook her head to clear it. "What you told me about your father appearing, that was then, wasn't it?" He nodded. "So Hinata _does_ love you," she stated pensively.

"Since the Academy, she said."

As Sakura met his eyes, he was surprised to find guilt there. "I knew."

_What?_ Naruto thought, flabbergasted.

"Ko came and found me, after Hinata went down. He needed a medic, of course.... And Neji was just staring down at her, laying there bleeding on the ground like that, and said something like, 'Why did she do it?' But _I _thought it was obvious. Why would she jump in like that if she didn't love you?"

Naruto's brows furrowed in confusion. "But if you knew, then shouldn't you have realised....?"

"Well, you'd think, wouldn't you?" Sakura looked a little sheepish. "But I guess after all this time I'm still a hopeless romantic. When the Hyuuga clan announced the engagement, I looked back to how distressed Ko had been when Hinata was injured. I thought, 'That's so sweet!' And I remembered my guess that she loved you and thought I must have been wrong – well, not totally wrong, but I thought I had misinterpreted. I mean, if I had been closer, I would have tried to help, too, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. She loves you, of course, but the only one who had suggested that it was romantic was _me_, I realised. I thought that's all there was to it."

Naruto remained silent, thinking about this.

"When you refused to attend her wedding, I thought you were being terribly ungrateful, considering what she'd risked to protect you. I'm sorry," Sakura whispered. "I never even considered that she would be with someone she didn't love."

"Her family set it up. She said she always knew she'd marry a Hyuuga to carry on the Byakugan ...."

"Poor Hinata."

"I kissed her," blurted Naruto.

Sakura gasped again. "When?"

"Last month."

"Is _that_ why you've been acting so oddly this whole time?"

Naruto shrugged. "I guess," he said vaguely, hating himself for lying to her. "She asked me not to go." Spotting Sakura's questioning expression, he went on. "To the wedding, I mean. I'm kind of glad. I didn't really want to see her tie the knot with some guy she hardly knows."

"Did you ... do you love her back?"

"Well ...." Naruto stalled. "I don't exactly know."

"How can you not know? Of course you know."

"I guess I don't, then. But maybe I could have. Or not. It's sort of confusing. Nobody's ever loved me before."

Sakura inhaled sharply. "Maybe nobody's ever said it to you, but people do love you." She picked herself up slightly to fix him in an imploring gaze. "The whole village loves you now, Naruto." When Naruto looked her with disbelief written across his face, she continued, "Perhaps they didn't, always, but things change." She smiled at him, green eyes tender. "You're a good person, Uzumaki Naruto. A good man. Thank you for trusting me."

Though Naruto wasn't normally the best at this sort of thing, he saw underneath the underneath this time. Sakura loved him, in her own way. He couldn't stop the grin from splitting his features as he pulled her down into a hug. Instead of pulling away, she settled onto his chest, wiggling for comfort.

They sat in silence, the slight mugginess of the summer air interacting with their full bellies to make them a little drowsy. Just as they were starting to drift off to sleep, a sharp knock came at the door. Too lethargic to get up and answer it, Naruto called, "Come in. It's open."

The door swung open to reveal the same messenger chuunin that had summoned him for the worst briefing of his life. Naruto still didn't know the man's name. Seeing Sakura snuggled into the crook of Naruto's neck, the chuunin blushed slightly.

Groaning discontentedly at the disturbance, Sakura sat up with a yawn. "Well, which of us are you here for, Gennai?" she asked bluntly, stretching a little to wake up.

"I ... uh ... That is to say ...." he stammered, his flush deepening until he was as red as a Sakura's shirt when she was in uniform. The chuunin's eyes kept flickering to her nervously, and Naruto followed his line of sight to see what had the man so flustered. Now that the obi wasn't tied properly, Sakura's kimono had parted dangerously to reveal a hint of lace at her bosom.

Naruto, trying not to stare himself, stood up and blocked the messenger's view. "Well?" he demanded, the word coming out more harshly than he'd intended.

The man couldn't stop himself from trying to peek through Naruto's legs as he said, "Sorry to interrupt, but –"

Naruto cut him off. "Anything we can do for you?"

At least he had the tact to look sheepish. "Uzumaki-san, your presence is requested by the Hokage at your earliest convenience."

"Right this second?" Naruto fought back a gulp, trying to combat the feeling of dread that seemed to overcome him at every summons now.

"I don't think the matter is emergent, but at your _earliest_ convenience," Gennai said carefully.

"You'd better go, Naruto," Sakura piped up. "When Shishou says 'at your earliest convenience', she means get your ass to the Hokage tower immediately unless you're dead or dying. And in your case," she added wryly, "probably even that wouldn't count as an excuse."

Naruto turned around to help her up. Thankfully, she had fixed her kimono back into place. She gathered up the stray bowls and chopsticks, including the one she'd thrown across the room. "I'm going to wash these," she said to Naruto, "and return them to the shop. They let me borrow them on our good names, so I'd better not tarnish your record, Hero-sama," she teased. "Then I guess I'd better go home and get out of this death trap," she whined, gesturing to the pink and orange furisode. "Ino will kill me for eating and rolling about on the floor in it."

Gennai, who was still standing there, much to Naruto's annoyance, blushed once again. Sakura didn't notice, but Naruto scowled at the man. "Hentai," he muttered under his breath. Louder, he said, "What, don't trust that I can find my way to the Tower by myself? Don't you have better things to do?"

Sakura, now in the kitchen and running water, admonished, "Be nice, Naruto! He's only following orders."

"See you later, Sakura-chan," Naruto called back to her. Turning back to Gennai, he spoke less forcefully than before. "All right. Let's go, then."

* * *

In Tsunade's office, Naruto grinned mischievously at a panting Gennai.

"I'm – I'm sorry, Hokage-sama," the poor chuunin gasped. "I told him it wasn't proper to enter through the window – that just last week, you docked a full jounin's pay for the very same insult –"

"Actually, you sort of shouted something at me from a kilometre or so back," corrected Naruto with feigned innocence. "If you were a little faster, maybe I'd have heard you." Ton-Ton, who had been lounging on the desk, squealed in delighted recognition and jumped into Naruto's arms. "Hey, Ton-Ton! Keeping yourself out of trouble?" The pig tittered in response.

Gennai glared but ignored the dig as he bowed deeply to Tsunade. "I apologise, Hokage-sama."

Not even acknowledging her supplicating servant, Tsunade snapped, "Hear that, you insolent brat? I could dock your pay."

"Aw, but Baa-chan, it's not very nice to cut a genin's measly wages," Naruto pouted. "I won't have any spare change to buy you sake if you do that."

"A likely story," snorted Tsunade. "You never buy me sake."

"I never will if you dock me, either." Naruto beamed at the old lady in the way he knew she loved to hate.

Never one to disappoint, Tsunade grumbled, "Whatever, brat." As she turned to shuffle some papers, she finally seemed to notice Gennai, who had risen from his bow and was looking from Naruto to the Hokage with incredulity. "Didn't you have someone else to fetch?" Tsunade said with a scowl.

"Oh! Right away, Hokage-sama." Gennai rushed off, ears reddening from embarrassment.

"That boy.... He's supposed to be quite good at genjutsu, but you'd never know it with how featherbrained he is. Not to mention his horrible stamina," Tsunade groused before returning her attention to Naruto. "Now, Naruto –"

"Is this going to be another one of those things I need to sit down for?" he interjected quickly.

The Hokage just rolled her tawny eyes. "Shut up and find out. Anyway, about those 'measly wages' you mentioned.... How about a raise?" Tsunade hedged nonchalantly.

"What? Seriously?"

"In a roundabout way, yes." Before she could continue, the heavy door opened behind them. Naruto twisted to see Gennai ushering in a severe-looking man that was only vaguely familiar. "Do you remember what we spoke of the other day, Naruto?" Tsunade said, and he turned back to her with a frown.

"Not really."

Though unsurprised, she sighed. "About the possibility of lifting your travel restrictions in order to achieve something in particular."

So he could go to Suna to.... "Right," he said aloud. "I guess I remember that."

"Well, that won't do us any good if I still have to assign you a team, now, will it?"

Naruto didn't see her point. "Why not?"

"Because that matter is classified, Naruto! Don't make me define 'classified'," Tsunade barked, obviously losing a little patience.

"Oh. Right." Naruto did feel a bit stupid after that. It _was_ kind of obvious. "So the restrictions aren't getting lifted after all?"

"No, it just leaves us with another issue to resolve. Genin may not be able to take solo missions, but by all rights, you shouldn't be a genin. In the past, you've been too busy to take the test but the Kage summit made it clear to me that the time for delay is now over."

"So you're going to make me a chuunin?" Despite some internal confliction at the notion, Naruto couldn't stop a little excitement from bleeding into his voice.

"It's not as simple as that. I can only promote outside of the official Chuunin Exams in times of war."

Naruto froze. "You mean –?" Ton-Ton squeaked indignantly and wriggled out of his suddenly too-tight grip.

"Yes," Tsunade confirmed. "I do. That's where Aoba here comes in." She indicated the man standing at Naruto's side that he hadn't really been paying attention to.

"I won't do it," Naruto said flatly. "It was a waste of my time before and it's even more of a waste of time now."

From the back of the room, Gennai gasped in shock. "You can't speak to Hokage-sama like that! I don't care who you think you –"

Tsunade levelled a deadly finger at the livid chuunin. "You. Get out." Gennai just stood there, jaw slacked with disbelief. "Now, before you find yourself permanently reassigned to the most unpleasant job I can think of." Gulping, he fled. Turning back to Naruto, she said, "You _will_ do it, whether you like it or not."

With narrowed eyes, Naruto spat, "Just another piece of my life I don't get a choice in, then."

"That's not fair, Naruto," Tsunade said softly. Naruto could see the hurt forcing its way into her eyes and so said nothing, feeling bad for having said such a thing even though it was true. "You should understand – you _must learn_ to understand – that the outside world's perception of Konoha hinges largely on you right now. Others misjudge you for your rank and we can't afford –"

"So what? Then they underestimate me. Rank is just like a name, right? Either way, they should _know_ – I'm in the Bingo book as S-class, now. I'm losing all the advantage of surprise –"

"Rank may be a formality, Naruto, but it's an important one. It's supposed to be a universal classing of ninja and allowing you to be an anomaly undermines the rest of our system. It didn't matter when you were lying low, but that's an impossibility now. As it is, you still officially being a genin is making Konoha look bad."

"Don't you think you're exaggerating things just a little, Baa-chan?" sighed Naruto, though he couldn't help but hear an echo of the Mizukage's sneering voice. _"What is your rank, boy?" _ Rolling his eyes, Naruto continued, "Besides, don't those old geezers scream every time I set a toe outside the gates? They'd never let me leave for so long. Unless the exam is here?" Considering this possibility, Naruto frowned. "It's not supposed to be though, is it?"

"Technically, it's scheduled to take place in Rain, but Ame isn't participating at the moment –"

"Pain," Naruto mumbled, but waved Tsunade on. He'd killed the village leaders, he realised belatedly. What would become of Amegakure now?

"And Konoha _is_ next on the rotation, but we made a collective agreement to temporarily forfeit our position in light of the reconstruction."

"An admission of weakness?" Naruto protested angrily. "You said _never_ to –"

"Naruto," the Hokage warned. "There are extenuating circumstances. The exams are to be held in Suna instead. The preparations from the last Suna exam are still viable and for this and _other_ reasons, it was decided. For now, Suna is simplest – for _everyone_ involved. As for the Council, they are eager for your other 'mission' to begin in earnest, so they approved this venture without much trouble."

Other reasons.... "Oh," grunted Naruto, feeling as if he'd been punched in the gut. Connecting a few scattered thoughts at Tsunade's subtle reminder, he felt obligated to say, "Uh, about that...." He flicked his eyes towards a confused-looking Aoba, but carried on anyway. "I didn't say before, but you should probably tell the farts that _it_ has, um, _begun_. Technically."

"Oh?" Tsunade's eyebrows shot up so high he thought they'd fly off her face. Looking at his feet, Naruto tried not to fidget under her gaze. After an awkward moment, she cleared her throat. "I see. That's good, I suppose."

"If you say so," muttered Naruto, shaking his head to rid it of images he'd rather not have. "Anyway, Suna is three whole days from Konoha. You're saying you really want me that far from home at –" Another furtive glance towards the third person in the room. "—you know, at _this_ time? Doesn't the exam take like a month or something?"

"Why do you always have to be so _difficult_, Naruto?"

Ignoring her, Naruto went on, "And what if the bastard decides to try something when I'm away, huh?"

"Who? Oh, Uchiha Sasuke?" Naruto's jaw hardened. "Is that what this is about? Grow up, Naruto. We'll make sure we have a line of communication set up in case of _any_ trouble. You're not the only one who has to protect this village –"

"Either I am or I'm not! Make up your mind," Naruto snapped, voice uncharacteristically severe. "If the other villages look to me, as you say, then we'll _appear_ to be defenceless if I leave for a set length of time like that – not to mention, _everyone_ will know where I am, which can't be good for security. If it _isn't_ as you say, then what's the point in taking the exam in the first place?"

"Look, Naruto. You're going to have to take it eventually, if you want to be Hokage –"

"Eventually. Not now. It's not the right time."

"I've weighed it all out and now _is_ the right time. If ever Konoha needed a show of strength, it's now. There are other genin set to take the exam that should reflect well on the village, but obviously, your presence will be most impressive." Naruto opened his mouth to protest again, but closed it when he saw the tell-tale flash of steel in Tsunade's eyes. "That's enough. This wasn't meant to be a debate. Perhaps I shouldn't have sprung it on you like that, but you've got to learn to take orders better." Addressing a visibly uncomfortable Aoba, she said, "Sorry you had to witness that.... Normally he's not _such_ a brat." Aoba simply nodded, waiting for the Hokage to go on. He didn't look at Naruto.

Suddenly Naruto felt guilty for questioning Tsunade in front of witnesses. Sometimes he forgot that what he got away with behind closed doors was wholly inappropriate when looked at objectively. If he wasn't more careful, it would get around that he undermined the Hokage's authority. Even worse, others might start doing it as well. Sakura harped at him about that all the time. "Sorry, Baa-chan."

She met his gaze, eyes serious. "You have a lot of responsibilities, Naruto. I _am_ sorry to add one more. I wouldn't do it frivolously."

"I know."

"Now, Naruto, I'd like you to meet Yamashiro Aoba-san. For the duration of the exam, he will be your jounin sensei."

Naruto nodded at the man, whose bushy hair reminded him of Kakashi-sensei's despite it being black. Something behind Naruto's rib cage tightened painfully.

"His genin took the most recent exam in Grass and made it to the final stage. Though they made all made good showings, only one of them was promoted. The other two have done a lot of training since then and both Yamashiro-san and I are confident that they will not hinder you –"

"I have to take the exam with twelve-year-olds?" Naruto groaned in despair. "Great. If they're girls, I quit."

Tsunade's eyes narrowed dangerously. "What's wrong with girls? With Sakura as a teammate, you still think females aren't as strong as –"

"No!" Seeing the trap he'd fallen into, he waved his arms in front of him frantically, as if it would any good to ward Tsunade off if she decided to attack. "That's not it, I swear! It's just that twelve-year-old girls are a little, er, _overly fond_ of me lately and –"

Aoba laughed, catching on. "The only kunoichi on my team is now a chuunin. Kazuko won't be taking the exam with us this time and I don't think you're Eiichi or Matsuru's type. And for the record, they're fourteen. Most genin don't take the exam as rookies."

Naruto breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, okay then. I was worried there for a second. Girls can be so _annoying_ when they're like that."

Finally comprehending, Tsunade scowled. "Men! As if you didn't moon about after Sakura half your life. Get out of my sight before I change my mind and put you on an all-kunoichi team."

Naruto was all too happy to oblige, knowing instinctually that his good will with the old lady would run out if he stuck around much longer.

"Training ground ten in three days at one o'clock. Don't be late, brat!" she said as he hopped onto the roof.

"See ya, Baa-chan!" he called, and was gone.

* * *

A/N: I finally got the chance to explain some of the shinobi social structure I have created. Societal norms are a bit different here, obviously. I would never publish a chapter I felt was boring or unimportant to the plotline, but I do understand that the majority of fanfiction readers think that "nothing happened" if there isn't some sex and/or action -- or preferably both at once? Therefore, in keeping with the "filler" feel, I have decreed, "LET THERE BE OMAKE!" For those who don't give a rat's ass, you can obviously stop reading now. No moar canonz beyond thiz pointz.

For your benefit, I browbeat Jetslinger enough that he temporarily emerged from his cave to take a piddle, scratch the unspeakables, grab some ramen, and write me a hilarious omake-that-grew-legs.

This omake takes place directly after Chapter 3 -- or, actually, it can better be described as an alternate ending to such. Those a bit depressed by my anti-climactic sex scene (i r has punz) may like this a little better. I think it's absolutely smashing -- but then, I again, I'm a little bit fucked up.

Without further ado, I present .....

**OMAKE. Writing sex scenes still skeeze me out, probably moreso now. I WAS COERCED.**

After hearing that Naruto was only sixteen, Temari groaned and let her head fall into her hands. "Nineteen. For people our ages in these circumstances, producing two children could easily take upwards of two years, but most likely more." When Naruto failed to reply, she moaned, "I can't believe this is happening to me."

"No kidding," Naruto remarked with false humor. It seemed that neither of them had any more questions, so they sat uneasily, staring at each other and not quite knowing what to say. "Won't your dear brother be missing you soon?" Naruto finally asked, a touch of bitterness reaching his voice.

Temari sighed and pushed herself to her feet. "Probably."

Naruto walked her to his door. "Uh, take care," he said awkwardly.

She smiled at him. "I'll be seeing you, and sooner rather than later, I'm afraid."

"Yeah, I guess," he acknowledged.

"Goodnight, Naruto," she called as she made her way silently down the stairs.

"Goodnight, Temari." He sighed and closed the door behind her, relieved to finally be alone. After finding out that he'd been reduced to little more than breeding stock, being assaulted by a horde of academy students, and locking lips with the Hyuuga princess, he wanted nothing more than to pass out on the nearest available surface––preferably his bed.

While he certainly wasn't happy about his current situation, he couldn't say that he was surprised by how things had turned out. His life had never really gone the way he'd wanted it to, and he'd already accepted disappointment and strife as a normal part of life. But having to produce two children with a girl he barely knew? There was a limit to how much life could screw him over.

A knock at the door distracted him from his thoughts, and furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, he turned around to walk back into the hallway. Who the hell would want to visit him at this hour?

"Yeah?" he nearly sighed, reluctantly cracking open the door. He opened the door wider when he saw who it was. "Temari? Did you forget somethi––"

Before he could finish his sentence, Temari jumped into his arms. She vigorously slammed her lips against his and forced him to backpedal towards the opposite wall.

"What the hell?! What the helling hell?! Weren't you going home?!" Naruto gasped, pulling his face away from hers.

"The sooner we have a child, the sooner I can get on with my life. I don't like leaving things unfinished, and unlike you, I don't particularly like traveling a hundred miles to an entirely different country only to come back empty handed."

He briefly wondered if that was a slight against his numerous failed attempts to retrieve Sasuke, but the feel of her lips once again molesting his understandably stopped his thought process in its tracks. He grabbed her shoulders and again pulled himself away from her.

"H-hey! I understand your reasons, but––"

"Then shut up."

He was so taken aback by her aggressiveness he could barely move. He barely felt the rough kisses she placed on his exposed neck, nor the calloused hand steadily creeping down his torso––at least until it forced its way into his pants.

"That's enough!" He yelled, roughly pushing her away from him. Unfortunately, he'd accidentally pushed her a little too hard.

Temari hit the opposite wall with a loud thud, letting loose a soft grunt in the process. As she slumped lifelessly to the ground, Naruto felt his heart sink.

This couldn't be good. Not only was she a high ranking jounin from Konoha's largest ally, but she was also the Kazekage's sister. The political backlash of his actions had the potential to be _huge_. Shaking off his surprise, the blond dashed to her side and began to shake her shoulders, despairing when there was no response.

"Temari? Hey, Temari, you okay?" Naruto asked, feeling slightly stupid for asking such a redundant question. Of course she wasn't. He'd just shoved her full fucking force into a hardwood wall. Thinking quickly, he lifted her limp body bridal style and headed towards his bedroom. If he was lucky, she'd wake up and forget everything that had happened. Of course, he'd have to construct some bullshit story about how she'd slipped on a half eaten cup of ramen or something, but he had all night to think of that.

He carefully set her down on his bed, thankful that he'd changed the sheets just a few days ago. After making sure that she seemed comfortable, he pulled his blanket up to her chin before sitting down on the edge of the mattress in fatigue. As he started down at her sleeping form, he realized for the first time that Temari was a woman.

In his previous encounters with the jounin, she'd always registered in his mind as a man, as weird as it sounded. He'd never thought of her the way he thought of Sakura, Hinata, Ino, or even Tenten. It could be attributed the fact that he didn't know much at all about her, but he liked to believe that it was because of her abrasive, forceful, and commanding personality.

Deciding to give Temari her space, Naruto moved to stand up and walk out of the room. To his surprise, a pair of strong, smooth arms wrapped around his neck, preventing him from going anywhere. He slowly lowered his eyes to Temari's face, noticing the tiny, slightly amused smirk that she was regarding him with.

"Shit," the blond cursed, realizing that the woman had been awake the entire time. He brought his hands up to remove himself from her steadily tightening grip, but the dangerous look she sent his way quickly discouraged him.

"I shouldn't have to say anything, but you _do_ realize the implications of your actions, correct?"

Naruto gulped loudly. He knew exactly what she was trying to say, but in an attempt to buy more thinking time, he slowly shook his head.

Expecting that answer, the jounin's lips twitched upwards again. "Then allow me to enlighten you. Not only did you assault a high ranking shinobi of an allied nation, but you also injured the Kazekage's only sister. If Gaara and Sunagakure ever got wind of this, I'm not so sure they'd be willing to continue on with this arrangement."

The blond fixed her with his most even gaze, feeling anger begin to creep into his soul. "You wouldn't." When her face remained passive and unchanged, he felt his resolve begin to crumble. "Are you aware of how many people you'd be putting in danger?"

"Not my problem."

"How can you be so selfish?! You'd have to be fucking heartless to do something like that!"

"I suppose I didn't make myself clear earlier. I am _not _a patient woman. If there's something I can do right now, I will do it. A shinobi doesn't always live a long life, and the sooner they accomplish both their duties and ambitions, the better. If we were unable to produce two children before one of us died, what do you suppose would happen to this treaty?"

Unable to come up with a viable counter argument, Naruto could only hang his head in defeat. He _could_ argue that a few days wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things, but in reality, both he and Temari knew that every _second_ mattered in their profession. Besides, if he wanted to keep Konoha safe, it was something that he had to do. There was nothing short of the complete annihilation of all their enemies that could that, and he highly doubted that something so convenient would happen with then next few minutes.

Sensing that she'd won, Temari lifted the blanket in an open invitation for him to join her in bed, revealing her already undone kimono. He could admit that the tanned, smooth skin he saw through the gap in her clothing enticed him, but something about the whole deal still felt wrong.

"Come," Temari ordered, all amusement wiped from her face. The inviting look she'd given him not even five seconds ago now looked more like a murderous glare.

"I don't really know what to do," he confessed, slowly making his way over to the woman. He eased himself down to sit on the bed next to her, already feeling the intense heat coming from Temari. "I mean, I've read some stuff in Ero-sennin's books, but..."

"Don't worry, I've done this before. Take your clothes off and slide in next to me."

Feeling his heart begin to beat out of his chest, he reluctantly did as she asked, shedding first his jacket and then his shirt and pants. By the time he finished and turned around, she was already naked and staring at him expectantly, causing another wave of nerves to wash over him.

"Shouldn't we shower first?" he mumbled, eyes not quite meeting hers.

The tight line her lips formed gave him his answer before she even uttered a word. "It's not necessary. We'll only get dirty later."

He didn't bother asking what she meant by "dirty," instead sliding into the bed facing her and allowing her to wrap her arms around his body. At the feel of her hand gripping his penis, the genin instantly jumped back.

"Relax," she whispered, tightening her grip on his cock.

If it weren't for the situation, Naruto might have laughed. How was he supposed to relax when she was stroking his cock and rubbing her vagina against his leg? When her breasts were constantly pushed against his chest as she humped her body against his? When the feel of her warm breath on his neck made his skin crawl? The only man that could relax in this position was a dead one.

Although he was thinking these things, his body quickly began to respond to her ministrations. It didn't take long for his dick to reach full mast, and judging by the little diamonds stabbing into his chest, she too was starting to feel the effects of her actions.

They stayed in that position for a few minutes, both of their breaths becoming more and more labored. When Temari suddenly stopped moving against him, Naruto felt his heart sink with dread. He knew what was coming next.

She fumbled around a bit as she tried to line it up with her vagina, but within seconds, she was already sliding onto his penis. Temari reached her lips up to meet his, pulling him into a fervent kiss. It soon became obvious that he had little intention of participating, so she reached her hand down and gripped his balls, squeezing them just hard enough to cause a small amount of discomfort.

"Kiss me," she commanded, teal eyes boring into his grimacing blue ones. She pressed her lips against his more insistently, still staring at him as she used her tongue to part his lips. It wasn't until he kissed her back that she relieved him of her piercing glare, closing her eyes and sighing softly into his mouth.

The more they made out, the more relaxed and comfortable Naruto became. Rather than concentrate on how wrong it was for her to force him to sleep with her, he allowed himself to focus solely on the pleasurable feelings coming from both his mouth and private parts.

By the time he snapped out of his pleasure induced daze, Temari was already fucking herself on his penis. Her grunts and moans filled the room, and her lips resting in the crook of his neck lightly brushed against his jugular with each thrust.

In an effort to get him more involved, she grabbed his hips and pulled him against her until he moved on his own. With Naruto finally getting into it, it didn't take long for him to lose it.

"Temari," he breathed, face screwing up as if in agony.

Knowing what he was trying to say, she looped her leg over his and increased her pace. She felt him grow bigger inside of her a second before he came, spilling his seed

Naruto, relieved that the ordeal was finally over, pulled out and rolled over onto his back to rest.

What he didn't count on was Temari rolling over along with him, positioning herself on top of him

In response to his surprised stare, she offered him a simple explanation. "I'm not done yet." To keep from causing him too much discomfort, she started off slow, giving him time to recover without going completely soft.

He might not have wanted to sleep with her, but even he had to admit that she was pretty. Like most kunoichi, her body was toned to near perfection, the muscles of her abdomen rippling as she ground herself against him. He was mesmerized by the breasts swaying in front of his face, a little shocked by the size of them. He'd never paid much attention to her chest before, but seeing them up close and personal forced him to get an eyeful.

Temari, noticing his interest, grabbed his hands and placed them on her breasts. With him distracted by the soft, warm flesh, she took that chance to pick up the pace. Since he'd already had one orgasm, she didn't bother trying to keep him from exploding too soon, confident that she had at least another ten minutes before he'd able to release again. As such, she decided to do whatever it took to get herself off.

Naruto could only watch as she bounced, grinded, and gyrated on top of him, using him as little more than a living sex toy. Every few seconds she'd emit a light gasp or moan, and sometime during their copulation, one of the bands holding her ponytails in place broke and flew off towards one of the corners of the room.

Eventually her gasps began to grow louder and louder, and the speed of her hips increased to a pace Naruto found agonizing. When Temari finally shuddered on top of him and let loose a low groan, he too was unable to hold back and came inside of her for the second time that night.

Temari collapsed on top of Naruto, her head resting on his heaving chest. The temptation to fall asleep right there was growing stronger with each passing second.

"I hope that's enough to get you pregnant," Naruto mumbled, a touch of anger creeping into his voice.

It took all of her willpower not to respond to his statement with a scathing remark of her own. She could, on some level, understand his ire. She herself wasn't too keen on opening her legs to a guy she'd exchanged maybe ten words with before the treaty. However, this was also their duty as shinobi of their respective villages, so aiming his frustrations at her was both immature and illogical.

Rather than answer, though, she sat up and gathered her clothing. "Where's your shower?" she asked, folding her clothes into a manageable pile.

"On your right when you leave the room." Realizing how harshly his words were coming out, Naruto sighed and sat up to look at her. "Sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like that."

Temari glanced at him from over her shoulder, giving him the smallest of smirks. "It's fine. I'll let myself out. Goodnight, Naruto." Her smirk widened slightly at the wary look he gave her. "For sure, this time."

A wry smile of his own appearing on his face, Naruto returned her farewell.

"Goodnight, Temari."


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Terribly sorry for the wait! I swear, I mean to stick to a two-week schedule and then it just slips away.... This is probably the third time I've written this chapter. I had a whole introductory chapter planned at first but canned it 'cause it sucked.

I struggled with this, a bit. It's the beginning of an arc and many new things, so it had to be handled carefully. It's also my first real action scene, so please let me know how it comes off.

Disclaimer: I _definitely_ don't own Naruto. There is no "T3H POWR UF D4RKN3SS!!11!!" here. I promise.

* * *

Naruto could hardly believe it was actually happening. Sure, he'd gone through the motions of preparation, but the possibility of Uzumaki Naruto actually taking another Chuunin Exam still seemed so distant. In his mind, there was only one Chuunin Exam ... and it had changed everything.

It was clear that this one would be different, though it hadn't technically begun yet. The last one had come almost without warning or much effort on his part and Naruto had been both breathtakingly excited and mind numbingly terrified in anticipation. This time around, though, Naruto was rather dreading it. He knew more or less what to expect and would rather it just be over and done with.

And all this commotion in the name of security was _really _starting to get on his nerves. Was a split covert op really necessary just to travel from Konoha to Suna? They were going to Suna in three groups with different departure times taking separate routes, all top-secret.

To break himself out of his annoyance, Naruto tuned into the conversation between his two temporary teammates. They were having a whispered discussion about the genjutsu they'd perfected for the first portion of the Exam, which was fairly uniform in each village. It allowed them to share minds for a short period and they'd dubbed it "Putting Our Heads Together", a name that had made Naruto groan when he'd first heard it.

"Are you sure you don't want us to teach it to you, Naruto-san?" Matsuru said, looking at him through brunette bangs. "It worked really well last time, I promise. Not to brag, but Eiichi and I aren't dumb or anything...."

"Not as smart as Kazuko, though!" Eiichi added with a grin.

Matsuru frowned. "You just say that because you like her."

"Nah. _You're_ the one that likes her. I just say it because it's true."

"She may have gotten better marks than me in the Academy, but I just didn't do my homework –"

"Well, you're _all_ smarter than me," Naruto interjected before the argument could gain much momentum. "You don't want someone dumb like me in your mind anyway. I'll stick to my shadow clones." In reality, it was _he_ who could not let them into _his_ mind. It was too dangerous.

"I wish you could teach us that technique!" Eiichi whined.

"I'm sorry. It's a kinjutsu, which is stupid, if you ask me, but last time I taught it to someone, Baa-chan said if I did it again, she would –" Naruto gulped, remembering, and then shuddered. "Never mind. She probably wouldn't really do that, but I still can't teach you." She wouldn't do _that_, since it would drastically reduce his chances of procreating, but she would think of something else just as nasty, he was sure.

"Why do you call Hokage-sama 'Baa-chan'? Is she really your grandmother?" Matsuru asked, surprising Naruto. Eiichi was the one who asked questions, usually. Matsuru was more serious and reined in his curiosity most of the time.

"No, we're not related. I just knew her before she became Hokage and we...." He trailed off. "We fought Orochimaru together a long time ago."

Naruto could tell the moment Matsuru made the calculations because he looked up sharply and almost faltered in his step. "That would mean you'd have had to have been younger than—"

"It's complicated," Naruto interrupted. "But anyway, Ero-sennin told me I should never try to use genjutsu on anyone I wasn't prepared to kill."

"Why is that?" asked Eiichi, successfully distracted.

"Well, Sakura-chan said once it would be like trying to perform brain surgery with an axe," he chuckled sheepishly.

Aoba, who'd been running silently behind them, laughed for once. Eiichi sniggered and opened his mouth to say something else, but Naruto held up a hand to silence him. Confused at Naruto's suddenly serious expression, Eiichi protested, "Naruto, what--?"

"Quiet," hissed Naruto. Something was not right. "Shika--!" he shouted but was cut off by a jounin's cry of "From below!"

The warning was a fraction of a second too late for anyone to react. The soil that was just beginning get sandy as they got closer to Sunagakure gave way, yielding as seven men broke the surface. They grabbed the nearest genin and in a blink of an eye had kunai at each of their throats. Naruto mirrored Aoba as he moved protectively in front of his own teammates, relieved they were still free.

One man -- who seemed to be missing a considerable chunk of nose – confidently demanded, "Surrender Uzumaki Naruto and the kiddies here just might make it home to their mothers."

Naruto caught Shikamaru's eye. Shikamaru, technically the jounin in charge of this "mission", made the hand sign for "stall" behind his back. Glancing up, Naruto noted that with the sun so high overhead, manipulating shadow would be more difficult.

"I think they'll make it home anyway, don't you?" Naruto retorted, though he could feel sweat dripping into his headband. Time seemed to be standing still. If he breathed, he might shatter the moment. "You're outnumbered."

"Only if you count genin as ninja," sneered another man. He was short, almost shorter than his captive genin. Naruto's heart began to beat even more quickly when he realised that the short man's prisoner was Ami. "We don't think these are worth much in a fight. Do we, pet?" the man jeered, yanking Ami's long purple hair painfully. She whimpered, her terrified eyes latching onto Naruto's, imploring him silently.

"Ah, but Naruto himself is a genin," Shikamaru admonished, and Naruto knew from that that Shikamaru was almost ready to act. "Did you forget? Unfortunately for you, underestimating Konoha shinobi will be the last mistake you ever make. Now, Naruto!" Shikamaru's last words had the bite of a command and Naruto knew exactly what his friend had in mind.

Naruto put his hand in the familiar cross seal, shouting "Kagebunshin no jutsu!"

Seven copies of Uzumaki Naruto appeared, one behind each hostile. The enemy nin tried to react to the telltale feeling of kunai on their jugulars, but Shikamaru had them held fast in his shadows.

Naruto slit six throats simultaneously, ignoring the high-pitched scream of a young genin girl as blood ran in rivers down her face. The seventh man – the short one, who held Ami – Naruto approached personally. Shikamaru opened his arms slowly, almost as if he were preparing to hug someone; the man was forced to release Ami as his own arms spread in response. She crumpled to the ground, crawling frantically toward her jounin-sensei as her body was wracked with sobs.

"Is one enough, Shikamaru?" Naruto growled, eyes trained on the short man's face. The last Kagebunshin _poof_ed out of existence.

"It'll have to be," Shikamaru replied grimly. There was a brief moment of silence in which the relief on the Konoha side was palpable. It was over.

Just as Naruto's heart rate began to fall, more enemy nin burst up from the soil – at least fifteen of them. Naruto cursed his own lack of awareness. It was a rookie mistake and they'd all made it.

"Protect the genin!" yelled Shikamaru, looking just as angry at himself. "Jounin and Naruto, attack. Genin, watch each other's backs!"

Naruto quickly summoned a horde of clones to cluster around the genin, warding off any potential attacks. A hostile tried to tackle his real body from behind, but Naruto flipped the man over his shoulder. He created a large dust cloud with his landing, obscuring Naruto's view of him. Quicker than Naruto thought was possible, a huge wall of soil rose, an Earth dragon springing from the centre. It took advantage of its close range to bash Naruto heavily in the ribs, almost knocking him over.

"I don't fucking think so," Naruto snarled. "Rasengan!" he cried, and almost instantly, a blue orb of chakra appeared in his hand. Not for the first time, Naruto was glad that his sage training had improved his chakra control immensely. He slammed the Rasengan through the Earth dragon and into the wall. They both crumbled back into dust.

Left unprotected, the rogue nin lunged at him desperately, enhancing his heavy-handed taijutsu with shuriken tucked into his fist. He managed one glancing blow to Naruto's face, slashing open his cheek, before Naruto got the chance to slam another Rasengan straight into the man's chest. It blew out the other side, eviscerating his back in a gory explosion.

Naruto left the corpse of his enemy where it dropped, having caught in his peripheral vision Ami's original captor making an escape attempt. Naruto caught up with him before he got too far, bringing him down with a punch to the back of the head.

"Shikamaru!" he bellowed. Shikamaru reacted quickly, regaining his shadow bind over the man.

"What did you fuckers do to me?" the prisoner screamed angrily, struggling unsuccessfully against the shadow bind. "When I get free, I'm going to –"

"You're pathetic," snarled Naruto. "Did you really think you could get to me that way? Threatening genin?" The man was shaking, wild-eyed with adrenaline and fear. "How did you find us?" The silence was almost deafening. The fighting was over now, all hostiles incapacitated or dead, and everyone was waiting tensely for the enemy's words.

"You really are a demon," spat the man spitefully into the dirt. "I can feel it. I can see it in your eyes."

As Naruto felt his suddenly claw-like fingernails bite into his palm, he thought maybe the man was right. Maybe he _was_ a demon. He reached out and lifted the man by the throat, feeling Shikamaru's shadow bind release as he did so.

He slammed the man to the ground with a heavy punch. "How did you find us?" Naruto repeated, knowing the harshness in his voice was dangerous. His vision wasn't yet red, but he had to be careful.

The man laughed bleakly, spitting out a bloody tooth. "I'm dead if I tell you. They said they'd be watching."

Naruto tightened his hold on the man's front, yanking his upper body off the ground. "You're dead anyway. Who do you think will do it faster?" He could feel a cruel rictus splitting his lips. The man tried to back away but Naruto held him fast.

"Rock tipped us off, said we'd be rewarded if we brought them the jinchuuriki –"

"And you thought twenty of you could take us all, just because you outnumbered us? We're Konoha, you scumbags. If Iwa wants me they should try and take me themselves."

"They didn't want it traced back to them. We weren't supposed to take you on. After you surrendered we were supposed to knock you out and kill all the rest, then hand you off."

"Who were your contacts?"

"I don't know."

"I think you do. If you won't tell me, you'll tell Konoha."

"You were supposed to kill me quickly. I should have known never to take a demon by its word," the man sneered.

Naruto's fist smashed into the man's temple, knocking him out instantly. Standing up slowly, Naruto wiped the splattered gore off his face with his sleeve. "Are you okay?" he asked Ami, who lay trembling on the ground nearby, hugging a slightly injured teammate. As she stared up at him, he could feel his stomach sinking into his knees. He knew the look in her eyes. It was fear.

Abruptly, he turned away, searching out Shikamaru. "There's a leak. Do you think the others will be targeted?"

"Maybe, if their intelligence was incomplete," Shikamaru replied in a clipped voice. "There's nothing we can do about that right now." He turned to one of the jounin, who was comforting a blood-spattered boy. "You. You're a chakra sensor, right? Are there any more? We have to be sure this time."

"There's one in the tree line, but he's quickly moving out of my range." Shikamaru scowled. "_Sorry_," the jounin sniffed. "Chakra sensing is only a secondary talent of mine. I'm not particularly strong in it."

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered. "Tail him with bunshin, Naruto. You probably won't find him, but we have to try. It might be an Iwa spy."

Naruto nodded and did as he was asked.

"Now to throw them off our trail...." Shikamaru drawled, putting his hands into his unique hand sign. "Can you form enough Kagebunshin to henge them into a couple copies of our group?"

"Yeah, no problem," Naruto said, forming four identical copies of their now ragtag and slightly battered company. "Is this enough?"

"Yes. Send them all off in different directions. We, however, are taking a straight shot to Suna." He closed his eyes, thinking. "We need a reliable way to get word back to Konoha."

"My summons can do it," Naruto replied, quickly calling forth a large toad. He pointed to the unconscious man. "I need you to take him back to Konoha and give a message to Tsunade."

Had he really been complaining of boredom? He'd take boredom over this any day.

* * *

Nearly a full day later, Naruto's group finally arrived in Suna. The guards at the cliff-entrance readily recognised their party and let them pass without much problem but asked them to wait for a representative of the Kazekage to arrive.

Naruto sat wearily, resting his back on the rock wall. Shikamaru shot him a smile that did nothing to hide the stress he was feeling, but everyone else carefully avoided Naruto. Aoba was just as quiet as he was normally, but Eiichi and Matsuru hung around their sensei, not obviously including him as they had been trying to do so far.

Ever since the ambush, something had been different. _Maybe I'm imagining it_, Naruto thought. _But then again, maybe not._ They had all been put in danger and it was _definitely_ Naruto's fault. The guilt of it left an acrid taste on his tongue.

Someone sank down beside him. Naruto was surprised to see his temporary jounin-sensei; the man treated him fairly but made no special bonding overtures, usually. "Some of them had never been blooded," Aoba said, "and most of them had never been in a real battle before, since the majority of genin were on civilian-evacuation duty during the last invasion. It was just a bit of a shock. Good for them, probably."

"Never been....?" Naruto trailed off. "You mean they've never even seen someone killed? And they're supposed to be ready for a Chuunin Exam?" Naruto felt a bit nauseous. Even he had experienced death – and come damn close to dealing it himself – before his first Exam, and he was no longer under the delusion that his team had been ready. He wished Kakashi-sensei had never mentioned it back then.

"Not all Exams are bloody," Aoba said softly, an unreadable look in his eyes.

"I guess," Naruto replied. He wasn't so sure. Even Team Eight had killed in _his_ Exam – and that was _before_ things went to shit.

Naruto was pulled out of his reverie by a familiar voice. "What's with all the nose bleeds? Who got naked?"

"Kankuro....?" Naruto muttered. He pushed himself to a standing position to get a good look.

An awkward silence filled the air until Shikamaru said tensely, "We were ambushed. What is the status of the other Konoha groups?"

Naruto placed himself just behind Shikamaru, eager for the answer. Kankuro sighed. "Yeah, I know. We were informed by the Hokage. It's fine, though. No one else had any trouble."

Naruto rolled his eyes. Leave it to Kankuro to make a terrible joke in this situation. First, he was relieved no one was hurt, but then, reality hit him and he couldn't stop the "Fuck!" that fell from his lips. "The security breach is deep, then."

Kankuro's painted eyes flicked towards him. "Hey, Naruto. You're looking kind of gross today. Take a bath sometime."

Naruto snorted. "At least I'm not wearing makeup."

"It's not –" Kankuro began heatedly, but Shikamaru cut him off.

"I think we'd all like to bathe, actually."

"Right. Of course. Team!" Kankuro said with a snap of his fingers, and the three nin lurking behind him snapped straight and replied, "Yes, Sensei!"

"See to your charges." Louder, he announced, "As a Jounin and Council member, I formally welcome on Sunagakure's behalf all delegates and Chuunin Exam participants from Konohagakure. Each team will be shown to a room. All amenities will be provided, including training grounds before the third portion of the Exam."

As Naruto sensed his own team gathering behind him, something belatedly registered in his mind. "Sensei?" he spluttered. "You have a _team_, Kankuro? Are they taking the Exam?"

"Yes, they are," he replied proudly. "And they'll kick your ass if you don't watch out, Uzumaki."

"Yeah, right!" scoffed Naruto. "As if a bunch of nin who play with dollies could ever best me."

"I'll show you dollies, you –"

"You know him, Naruto?" Eiichi asked eagerly.

"Yeah, I know the idiot, all right," Kankuro answered with a grin. "We—" he began, but was cut off by the hand of one of his students on his tunic.

"Kankuro-sensei, there are four teams here and three of us. Are you taking care of this team, then?" Behind her, Ami's team was looking on curiously.

"No. Nari, take Team Aoba to their lodgings along with your assigned team."

Nari nodded, looking down at the scroll in her hands. "Yamashiro Aoba-san, Konoe Eiichi-san, and Fukazawa Matsuru-san, please come with me."

Matsuru frowned. "What about Naruto-san? Uzumaki Naruto-san should be on that list as well."

Nari double-checked. "I don't see it."

"Sorry, kids. Naruto's staying in the Kage mansion," Kankuro said. Nari's eyebrows shot up in surprise.

"I'm staying with Gaara?" Naruto asked blankly. "But shouldn't I stay with my team for the--?"

"You need extra security, Naruto. Or didn't the attack on the way here convince you? No one's allowed in the Kage mansion without express permission from the Kazekage himself. Gaara, Temari, and I live there, but that's about it. Very limited access. It's definitely the safest place for you."

"But why can't we come too?" Eiichi asked petulantly, obviously put out. Naruto was relieved at the sentiment; he guessed they weren't that scared of him after all.

"Uh, well...." Kankuro fished clumsily. "Kazekage-sama can only extend the offer to people he trusts explicitly. I'm sure you have no ill intentions, but that's just the way it is."

"If anything happens, it's likely that the target will be Naruto, not us," Aoba spoke up. "It's safer to be apart. He'll know where to find us when necessary."

"Fine, fine...." grumbled Eiichi, then turned to Matsuru to whisper loudly, "I think Naruto must know the Kazekage _personally_."

Kankuro rolled his eyes and motioned for Nari to lead the way. It seems they were all headed in the same direction, for now.

"Where is Gaara, anyway? Couldn't drag his gourd out to greet us?" Naruto asked, forcing cheer into his voice. Normally, he would have been happy to be invited to stay at Gaara's, but now, things were so complicated. He wasn't sure how he felt about it.

"Holed up in the Tower, of course. There's a lot of paperwork that goes along with this Exam, after all."

"Anyone kick his ass lately? Someone's got to keep him humble."

Kankuro laughed. "Humble? Gaara? The only one to ever best him in a fair battle is you, Naruto. Maybe you ought to spar with him a little while you're here."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto muttered, squinting into the sun to avoid showing that he noticed the way Nari looked slightly scandalised, or how Ami's eyes snapped to him as Kankuro spoke, or that Eiichi elbowed Matsuru in the ribs, whispering, "See?"

Ami's team was dropped off first, then the rest of Naruto's. Eiichi disappeared into the nice hotel suite with enthusiastic goodbyes to Naruto; Matsuru, though outwardly more subdued, was obviously a little excited to see the room as well.

Before retiring, Aoba turned to Naruto. "Get a good night's rest and we'll see you tomorrow morning before the first portion of the Exam."

Naruto nodded. "Don't worry. I won't let them fail because of me," he said with a grin. Internally, he added, _I hope_. Written tests were _not_ his forte.

Nari was dismissed, leaving only Kankuro and Naruto making their way towards the barely-secluded mansion just outside of the main city.

After awhile, Naruto said, "So Gaara trusts me enough to let me stay in his house?"

"Of course he does," Kankuro replied with a little frown. "There's probably not anyone he trusts more."

"But he doesn't trust Konoha or this new treaty wouldn't be necessary."

Kankuro was silent for a minute. "He trusts Konoha. I trust Konoha. But we don't make all the decisions. It's not about trust, really, anyway."

"Then what's it about?" Naruto growled more harshly than he'd intended.

Kankuro's frown deepened. "It's about advantage and disadvantage. Most of the Council thinks that if there's to be a war, Konoha will lose. There's no reason Suna has to lose as well."

"Konoha won't lose, if it comes to that," Naruto said fiercely.

"I don't think so either. But now, either way, Sunagakure gains _something_."

"Is the Yondaime's blood worth so much to them?"

"The Yondaime Hokage is rumoured to be the most powerful shinobi of all time, Naruto," Kankuro chided. "And you're his son."

"I never asked to be!" Naruto spat suddenly. "I wish I weren't." He felt blood rush to his cheeks, embarrassed for having said something out loud he had never admitted before even to himself.

Kankuro, looking a little awkward, replied, "Well, you are, and you're shaping up to be pretty powerful yourself. Most villages place a lot of importance on things like that. Suna's no different."

"And you're okay with it? That your sister is being used for this ... this –"

Turning away uncomfortably to hide his face, Kankuro replied, "Temari would do anything for Suna, anything to avoid war."

"Yeah," agreed Naruto quietly. "I know."

They said nothing else as they finally reached the sprawling mansion, grounds alive with desert plants of all sorts. There were guards stationed at the gate, but they only nodded as Kankuro and Naruto passed.

Kankuro opened the door and ushered Naruto inside with a grin. "Welcome to my humble abode."

"Humble my ass," Naruto grumbled, carefully divesting himself of shoes. "So where am I supposed to crash? And where's the ramen?"

Kankuro made a face. "Ramen's not all that popular here, actually."

"What?" squawked Naruto. "Why the hell not?"

"I guess it's just not the sort of thing people really want to eat in the desert. I'll show you your room." He led Naruto down three separate hallways and stepped in front of a seemingly arbitrary door. Naruto didn't know if he'd ever be lucky enough to ever find it again on his own. "Here it is," Kankuro said, sliding open the door. "It hasn't been used in awhile. We had it cleaned, but sorry if the maid missed any dust. There's a bathroom attached."

It was a simple enough room, but all the furnishings were good quality, certainly unlike anything Naruto had ever owned. He was kind of scared to touch anything. _"He'd be sure to break something expensive_," Naruto remembered Ino saying. He gulped.

"Temari said something about plans tonight, so don't go anywhere. She'll get testy and I don't feel like dealing with it."

"No kidding," Naruto mumbled, setting his pack down.

Kankuro grinned and clapped him on the back. "Welcome to my world!" he laughed as he left, closing the door behind him.

A shower, Naruto thought with a relief. First a shower, then a nap.

* * *

Naruto awoke to a knock on the door immediately followed by an intruder. He was up instantly, palming a kunai warily.

"Hey, we're going out," Temari said, ignoring the weapon. "Wear something appropriate."

"Appropriate for what?"

"Out. We're going _out_, Naruto. You're going to put this in your hair," she instructed, throwing a packet of something at him. He caught it by instinct. "And you're going to be Kankuro's foreign friend Takeshi."

"Why can't I be myself?" Naruto asked, inspecting the packet of temporary black hair dye.

Temari sighed in exasperation. "Don't you get it? I should be seen dating people so that no one gets too suspicious when I wind up pregnant."

"We're going on a _date_?"

"Sort of. Kankuro's coming too. Now take a shower and get dressed."

She exited as abruptly as she had entered, leaving Naruto more than a little confused. He followed her instructions for lack of anything better to do, showering again to dye his hair. It had better come out after one wash, like the packet said.

He was about to put his jacket on when he saw the flaw in her plan. If he wasn't supposed to be himself, he probably couldn't wear his normal shinobi clothes. He hadn't brought anything else, though.

He was interrupted from staring blankly at his jacket when she opened his door without even knocking this time. "Whoa!" he said when he looked up. "What the hell are you _wearing_?"

He recognised the mismatched mesh from his first Chuunin Exam, though the left leg mesh rode a lot higher up on her thigh than it had when she was younger. Her white miniskirt matched the bra-like top – could he even call it a top? – underneath a tight mesh shirt.

"What the hell are _you_ wearing?" she returned hotly. "You can't go out in that!"

"You go out in _public_ like that?"

"Everyone dresses like this at the clubs, Naruto. It would be weird if I didn't."

"There are – there are _clubs_ in Sunagakure?" He hated clubs. He thought he'd seen the last of them when his training trip with Jiraiya had ended. "You're making me go to a club?"

She gave him an odd look. "Just about everyone goes out here. They don't have clubs in Konoha?" She paused. "I guess I've never seen one there, actually."

"No, they don't. Otafaku Gai has some, but not Konoha. People in Suna really party like that?"

"People in Konoha _don't_?"

"Not really. That's sort of funny. I mean, we're more laid back and you guys are so –" He laughed. "That's it, isn't it? You're all so uptight that you have to let loose somehow, right?"

Temari scowled. "Whatever. You still can't wear that. And take off your forehead protector."

He untied his hitai-ate but scowled at her. "I don't have anything else."

She sighed and tossed some containers on his bed that Naruto thought might hold makeup. "Cover up your scars."

He stared at the stuff incredulously. "With this? What is it?"

"Here, I'll do it." She sat on his bed, taking the makeup out of his hands and uncapping it. She spread it on his cheeks carefully. Naruto squirmed at the uncomfortable feeling of gunk on his face. He noticed she'd put on some makeup of her own, especially around her eyes. It looked nice, he guessed, but he preferred her face clear. "There." She turned a calculating gaze to the rest of him. "Just leave that mesh shirt on and I'll go find something of Kankuro's or Gaara's that will do for pants."

"Wearing just mesh is like being naked," Naruto complained.

"Who cares? What have you got to hide?" she teased, grinning rakishly at him. It made him a little uncomfortable.

"My seal," he admitted quietly. "It's on my stomach."

She looked down quickly. "I don't see anything, though."

"It only shows when I mould chakra."

She rolled her eyes and stood up, heading for the door. "Are you planning on moulding any chakra?"

"Well, no, but –"

"It's fine, then, right?"

Before he could say that no, it wasn't fine, she was gone. He resigned himself to going along with whatever she had planned for the night. Fighting her just wasn't worth it.

Before long, she was back with a pair of simple black pants that reminded him of what Kakashi used to wear. "Put these on."

He took them, waiting for her to leave so he could change. When she didn't, he just sighed and pulled his pants off to slip on the ones she'd brought. He had boxers on anyway.

"They're too short," she said with a frown. "But if you wrap your legs it will be okay, I guess. Do you have tape?"

"Yeah," Naruto replied, digging through his bag. He pulled out the tape Iruka had once given him as a gag gift. It was bright orange, his favourite colour. He liked it but only used it occasionally to protect his hands when training. He wrapped his legs, pleased that he had found a way to add orange to the outfit.

"Typical," Temari muttered, though she was smiling slightly. "Now stand up."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, but took his time doing it. "You're pretty bossy, you know."

"Well, whose fault is that?" she snapped and Naruto reddened, immediately catching the reference. "Anyway," she continued, tone a bit softer, "are you ready now?"

He nodded.

"Okay. Let's go."

* * *

Temari, Kankuro, and Naruto stood outside of Temari's favourite nightclub. It was already dark and getting a bit cold; he'd slept later than he'd thought, but it seemed that Sunagakure was just waking up – or at least the pleasure district was. Despite the late hour, they'd had no problem finding a street vendor from which to purchase some lamb and dates, a type of food Naruto had never had before. It was pretty good but it still wasn't ramen.

"Come on, Takeshi," Temari demanded. "Let's go inside now."

He _really_ didn't want to. Places with that many people had always made him nervous. He'd learned at a very young age that while it was easier to get lost in a throng, it was also more difficult to escape them if things turned nasty. "But it's so crowded."

She turned her teal eyes on his and he was surprised to see some understanding there. "Just trust me, okay?"

She seemed so determined to get him into this stupid club. "Okay."

"It's fun, Na – Takeshi," Kankuro reassured. "I promise."

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto grumbled, pitching his voice lower so as not to be overheard. "I'll take your word for it. By the way, who chose Takeshi? It means soldier, doesn't it?"

"I did," Temari replied. "It seemed generic enough. And you are a soldier, aren't you? We all are."

"Let's just go in," said Kankuro. "It's getting a little chilly out here."

"Only because Temari wouldn't let us wear any clothes," Naruto complained under his breath but followed along just the same. Temari pinched him painfully for the comment.

There was a long line to get in the club but Temari and Kankuro ignored it completely, bypassing everyone. The bouncers waved them in without a word but eyeballed Naruto with suspicion. "My buddy Takeshi here is visiting for the Chuunin Exams," Kankuro explained jovially, clapping him on the back. The bouncers nodded and let him pass.

"Who said we could cut?" Naruto asked, forced to yell over the loud music.

"Even if Gaara refuses to come out with us, he still gets us in everywhere!" Kankuro laughed. "Everyone knows who we are."

"The bar!" Temari called back. They hurried after her, squeezing through all the people. When they arrived, Temari shoved a drink into Naruto's hands. "You don't know what's good here, Takeshi-san, so I took the liberty of ordering for you. Is that all right?" she tittered coquettishly, pressing herself up against him to speak in his ear.

"Uh, I guess," he said, taking a sip. It tasted like oranges mixed with something more bitter. "I don't really drink much."

"You do tonight," Kankuro said, downing his own drink quickly. The bartender named a figure and Kankuro handed money over carelessly.

Naruto choked. "I'm not drinking here. I didn't bring that sort of money."

"Don't be silly, Takeshi," Temari cooed, obviously playing it up for anyone who might be watching. "You're Kankuro's guest." Sliding closer, she breathed warmly on his neck and whispered, "Gaara's paying. I think he deserves it. Don't you?"

Naruto laughed, finishing his drink and ordering another. "Yeah, I guess he does."

Kankuro was staring at them and Naruto couldn't help but notice that he looked a little green around the gills. Naruto moved away from Temari and ordered a third drink, feeling uncomfortable.

Temari turned to her brother with a scowl. "Go dance with someone, why don't you?" Kankuro seemed a little hesitant to leave them alone. "I know Takeshi is your friend, but you weren't planning to dance with him yourself, were you? I didn't know you swung that way."

Kankuro grabbed another drink and stalked away, muttering under his breath in annoyance. Temari glared after him for a minute then turned back to Naruto. "Dance with me, Takeshi."

He let her lead him away, keeping hold of her hand as she threaded through the crowd. Couples were dancing provocatively everywhere to the music that boomed through the air. Jiraiya certainly never went to any places like _this_. Somehow, everything seemed so surreal. Naruto thought maybe he was a little drunk already. He didn't have much practise drinking, so he wasn't sure.

Finding a bit of space, Temari pulled him to her. "Tonight, let's forget about Temari and Naruto and everything that goes with that," she breathed into his ear, dragging her tongue across the curve of his earlobe. He shuddered. "I thought it might be easier this way." Suddenly he understood her seemingly strange urge to go out. "I'm tired of things being so awkward," she finished, looking into his eyes. She was vulnerable, now, and obviously so. He could hurt her, if he wanted to.

"Okay," Naruto whispered. "Me too." He barely gotten the words out before she began to move, her hips flush with his.

"Dance with me, Takeshi," she repeated, and the charge in the dark atmosphere mixed with the alcohol to allow the huskiness of her voice to affect him in a way it never had before. His hands found her backside and they danced.

Sometime later, Naruto found himself against a wall doing things with Temari he'd done before – only this time, he was enjoying them. They were both drunk by now, having had quite a few more as the night wore on.

His hands were creeping under the mesh of her shirt and hers were teasing the waistband of his pants as they kissed hungrily.

Distantly, he registered a familiar but slightly slurred voice but Naruto was far beyond caring.

"Yeah, let's – wait, is that – is that my _sister_?"

"I guess it is," a female voice said. "Who's the guy? Do you know him? He's kind of cute."

"I – yes! That's _disgusting_. I think I might be sick."

The woman laughed breathily. "Let them have their fun, Kankuro-san. Actually, I think they have the right idea...."

"No. I've got to get her home. Sorry. Another time?"

"Shame," she said, sounding rather peeved. "Another time, then."

"Temari! Takeshi! Stop that. We have a lot to do tomorrow."

Temari broke away, causing Naruto to groan from her loss. "Such a spoilsport, Kankuro. Did you turn down that girl just to bother us?"

"It's getting late. Takeshi has to get up early, remember?"

Temari shrugged.

"I guess it is time to take this home. Come on, Takeshi."

Naruto grabbed onto her waist to keep from being separated – and maybe to keep upright.

Kankuro led them home but Naruto didn't register much of the journey until they were stumbling up the front steps of the mansion. Kankuro herded them into the kitchen, mumbling something about water and hangovers.

"Hey, Gaara," Naruto said too loudly. "Can you still not sleep, even after the demon's gone? Why is there a table in your kitchen anyway? Don't you have like a whole room somewhere where all you do is eat with golden chopsticks or something?"

Temari giggled. "He sleeps, stupid. Just not a lot. The dining room is off to the left, but we haven't used it since my father died. And the chopsticks are silver. Who told you they were gold?"

Gaara stared at them from his spot seated at the table, saying nothing. He turned to Kankuro. "What's wrong with them?"

"They're wasted," Kankuro sighed. "It's Temari's fault."

"Gaara! Why didn't you come with us tonight?" Naruto cried happily. "It was nice even though there were too many people and no ram—" He was cut off by Temari, who found the moment appropriate to shove her tongue in his mouth.

"Cut it out," whined Kankuro. "You're making me ill."

Without a word, Gaara got up and left the kitchen.

* * *

A/N: So ... rather more ridiculous than you're used to for this story, yes? It was a decision I laboured over, but in the end, I think it's more realistic. Sometimes you just say FUCK IT and get drunk. That's just how it goes.

Just to reiterate, givers of constructive criticism will be lavished with cookies, firstborns, etc. Actually, the 100th reviewer gets a spoiler / whatever of their choice.

Thanks for reading.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's Note: I know it's been a ridiculously long wait. Life interfered. Word to the wise: participating in opera productions is a huge time suck. So is doing NaNoWriMo -- which is another Naruto fanfiction, pathetically, so keep an eye out.

I would apologise for the lapse, but honestly, I'd be lying. It is what it is. Uni is time consuming. Winter break is coming up, though, so look forward to that because I'll be taking a lot of time to write and hopefully get my chapter buffer back for this story. For those of you who need a summary refresher, it's pretty self-explanatory, but Naruto is in Suna for the Chuunin Exam. Temari dragged him out to a club last night and they got smaaaaaaaashed. Hope that helps. Thanks for reading!

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the Mizukage's ultimate jutsu would be called exactly what it looks like: Bukkake-Regurgitation-no-jutsu.

* * *

Naruto woke in an unfamiliar place. Instinctively, he forced his muscles to stay slack as he feigned sleep. If he was in enemy hands, it was best to fake – wait. He remembered now, sort of. He was in Sunagakure's Kage mansion. But why were his legs bent at such an uncomfortable angle? What was his head lying on and why was it so hard and ... warm?

Then the firm plane under his cheek moved ever so slightly and a hand he hadn't even registered before slid off his bare back. Naruto's eyes snapped open as a memory filtered through a haze of half-consciousness. He was in Temari's bed and his head was ... on her stomach? Or a bit lower, really.

His nose itched; it was just brushing the beginnings of a thatch of course curls that tickled against his skin. As he vaguely recalled exactly what his face had been doing so close to _that_, he pulled away abruptly and scooted as far away from Temari as possible until they were no longer touching.

She flipped over, stealing his pillow to cover her head. She groaned something that sounded suspiciously like, "Headache...."

Yes. He had one too. In fact, the throbbing of his temples was making it rather difficult to think. What exactly had happened last night? She'd dragged him to a club but he hadn't been himself. Takeshi. That had been his alias.

And then what? The cotton-ash feeling of his tongue told him they'd been drinking and he supposed he'd gotten drunk. Temari had.... He looked at her and became distracted, his eyes tracing the line of her back to where it dipped and then rose again.

_Beep!_ The alarm clock on her side table screeched and her hand darted to it instantly, ripping the plug right out of the wall. Naruto was thankful; his head was spinning from the sudden noise.

More slowly, she emerged from the pillows. "I hate mornings," she grumbled, voice gruffer than usual.

"Whose idea was it to drink so much the night before the Exam?" Naruto teased lightly, surprised at the gravelly quality of his own voice.

She scowled. "It worked, didn't it? We had sex and it wasn't awful. Drunken and sloppy, maybe, but I've had worse. Once in particular."

Naruto couldn't stop himself from reddening at her frank admission. Sex. It was the first time anyone had actually used the word and, despite all that had come before, somehow everything became more real as she spoke it now.

She noticed his blush and smirked. "Guess you kept your promise after all. Not that I remember the details very clearly."

"Whatever," he muttered, covering his eyes with his arm. "How do I get to the library?"

"The library? Why would you want to go there? You have to go to the Institute for the test."

"I just need to make a quick stop."

Temari scowled. "You're hopeless. Go get showered, then. We're running late if you have to go to the library first."

He got up, searching around for his clothes. The room, though more feminine than he'd expected, was plain. Whereas the furnishings in his guest room were overwrought and lavish, Temari's were understated though clearly of high quality. What surprised him was the light shell pink colour of the walls.

"What are you waiting for?" Temari snapped peevishly. "Are you just going to stand there naked all day?" She stood there expectantly, seemingly unconcerned over her own nakedness. A towel was flung over one shoulder and a hand rested on her bathroom door.

"I, uh..." he stalled, not really wanting to admit his plight but seeing no alternative. "I don't exactly remember where my room is."

"Of course you don't," she sighed. "Just come in with me then."

"Huh?"

"Just take a shower here. It'll be quicker anyway. You're in a completely different wing."

"But where will you shower?" He had a feeling he was missing something vital here.

"Do I have to spell it out? My shower's bigger than the one at your apartment. It won't be a problem. Just come on and stop wasting time."

"Oh. Okay." Because it was easier to follow along rather than fight with her, Naruto did as she said and entered the bathroom after her. "This really is a nice shower," he remarked. "Bigger than the one in my room, that's for sure." It was quite large and there were two showerheads. As she turned the water on he could see that the streams converged in the middle.

"The guest rooms are hideous. I don't know how anyone can stand them. Someone bought all this awful furniture and we dumped it into that wing when we remodelled," Temari said off-hand, testing the water temperature until it was right. Naruto slid in after her, copying her as she re-adjusted the nozzle on her side. Now it was practically two separate showers – not nearly as uncomfortable as what he'd envisioned.

She tossed him some shampoo – a generic, scentless kind similar to what he'd always used – and they proceeded to bathe.

It was all so odd. He, Uzumaki Naruto, was in a Suna mansion taking a shower with Sabaku no Temari. Vaguely, Naruto thought Ero-sennin would have been proud, unless he also knew that instead of engaging in his favourite activity, his apprentice was meekly washing his hair. Of all the ways Naruto had thought his life might play out, this had never been one of them.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Temari had a leg up on a small stool, heel raised in a way that made the muscles in her calf all the more defined. As she bent down to run a razor up her shin, her soap-slicked breasts swung pendulously, grazing her knee. The whole process was bizarre, Naruto decided. He'd never realised that girl showers were so much different than boy showers.

She caught him staring; he blushed in embarrassment, though she didn't seem to mind. "Do you need one?" she asked, offering him a clean razor. He shook his head to indicate that he did not. "Still don't shave your face, huh, kiddo?" she teased with a small grin. Before he could stutter a self-conscious reply, she ordered, "Wash your hair again."

"Huh? Why? It's clean."

"It's _black_," she snorted, placing both feet back on the floor. She lifted her face to the warm spray.

For a minute, Naruto didn't know what she meant, but then he remembered the supposedly temporary hair dye she'd forced on him the night before. Mumbling some curses under his breath, he lathered up his hair once more.

Temari flipped her hair to work some sort of treatment into it; silently, she went about her business as he went about his. The whole ordeal was so weirdly domestic that it was actually comforting, in a strange way.

As Naruto was just starting to rinse his hair for the third time, the relative quiet was disturbed by a muffled thump and a shout of, "Temari!"

She sighed, turning off her side of the shower. "I'll take care of it. Just finish up." After locating a fluffy tan towel and securing it around her torso, she opened the door. "What _is_ it, Kankuro?"

"No reason to get tetchy with me, geez. Do you know where Naruto is? If we don't leave soon, we'll be late."

"He's still in the shower. That dye was more stubborn than I thought."

Naruto pulled down a lock of hair in front of his eyes to inspect it. Deeming it officially yellow, he turned the nozzle and stopped the shower.

"No, he's not," Kankuro was replying in an exasperated tone. "There's no one in his room, and I –"

As Naruto stepped out of the bathroom, pulling a towel around his waist, Kankuro's jaw dropped in apparent shock. "Uh...." Naruto stalled awkwardly. "Can you show me where my room is? I kind of forget."

"Oh," said Kankuro, dumbstruck. "I guess so. Yeah."

* * *

No matter how many times he experienced it, Naruto would never get used to the sensation of splitting himself. Whether he was making five kage bunshin or five thousand, it still felt like he was rending himself down the middle.

In this case, though, there were five identical blonde boys standing in front of him. Carefully, he had them each henge into a different disguise. One took on the ghostly pale complexion, glossy black hair, and thick, square glasses of a girl he'd accidentally knocked over in an Earth country grocery store; another assumed a generic dark ponytail and soulful eyes the colour of milk chocolate; yet another was his usual fall-back blonde version of his female self.

"Why are they all women?" Temari inquired, observing idly.

Naruto grinned cheekily. "Well, they're here to gather information, if I need it, and everyone's always more willing to help girls. 'Oh, can you please get that book down for me, sir? I just can't _reach_ it, even if I stretch like this so my shirt rides up....'"

Scowling, Temari knocked him on the shoulder. "Pig."

He shrugged. "You asked."

Kankuro, who might normally have been amused, only tapped his foot in a show of impatience. "Can we just go?"

Naruto rolled his eyes, but commenced with whispering orders to his minions. Each clone had a specific reference section it was to peruse until he asked anything specific of it. They bounded off, entering the large Suna library with more enthusiasm than Naruto himself had ever felt at the prospect of being forced to slog through books. Perhaps they were just happy to have a purpose.

As soon as he was finished, the siblings set off together, leaving Naruto to scramble after them. They were all headed to the same place, but only they knew where it was.

"So, what is the Academy like here?"

"It's not an Academy," answered Kankuro curtly. "It's the Sunagakure Institute of Shinobi Preparation."

"What a lame name," Naruto whined. "You can't go around saying that every day."

"We just call it the Institute," Temari chuckled. "It's really similar to Konoha's Academy, from what I can tell. Well, now it is, at least. When _we_ attended, it was quite different."

"Why is that?"

"Since the daimyo limits the numbers in our shinobi corps," spat Temari bitterly, "we must train those that we do have to the best of our abilities. After the, ah, _second_ most recent alliance agreement, we decided to adapt our system to more closely model Konoha's. The Council has since decided that the new approach is more effective, so it's stuck."

"I never knew that," Naruto remarked, impressed. "I guess our alliance is pretty close after all."

"Not close enough, apparently," muttered Kankuro, shooting a dark glance between his sister and Naruto.

Naruto frowned, not understanding, but Temari just laughed. "Hangovers always make him cranky. Don't worry about it."

"They usually make _you_ cranky, too, Temari," Kankuro growled. "What's the difference this time, I wonder? I guess we don't all have the benefit of a _special guest_ to ease the effects of a night out."

Temari started, uncharacteristically shrinking away from her brother as if he'd slapped her in the face.

Uncomfortable, Naruto pushed on in a loud voice, "Then what was going to the Institute like when you guys went there? How was it different?"

"You know," sighed Kankuro, "I really _do_ have a headache, so can you please stop asking inane questions about stupid shit you don't even care about?"

Naruto stopped in his tracks. "I do care, though," he said quietly, staring at his toes. "After all, it's where my _children_ will be going and I don't know anything about it. I don't get a choice in what they do, and neither will they, because even if they want to be bakers or tailors instead of shinobi, they'll _still_ be attending this Institute whether they like it or not. So I care. I care a lot."

As he raised his head, his throat caught at the look on Temari's face. Her eyes were screwed up and her lips were pursed so hard they were almost white from the pressure. It was obvious she was trying not to cry.

Kankuro was guiltily avoiding looking at either of them, but Naruto made a point to meet his eyes. "And you're never going to speak to Temari like that, ever again. This isn't up to her either and you should know that better than just about anyone."

"Naruto, be more careful when you speak. We're in public," said Temari, who had composed herself. Her eyes, though, were soft when she looked at him in a way they hadn't been before. She assiduously avoided letting her gaze fall on her brother.

"Sorry," Naruto whispered, and she nodded.

"Come on. The Institute is this way." She gestured to her left and he hurried to walk abreast with her, ignoring a moping Kankuro as he trailed behind. "When I was a student," Temari began, "the curriculum focused more on chakra manipulation...."

* * *

To the left of Naruto, Eiichi and Matsuru were chatting brightly, postures relaxed.

"It's nice we get to sit together," Eiichi was saying. "In Grass, they had us placed randomly, remember? I had to sit next to that one girl that was like seven foot tall. I think she had a hare lip."

"Yeah, and green hair," Matsuru mused with a smirk. "She also beat you to a pulp in the finals. That's what _I _remember."

"You lost too, if you'll _recall_," groaned Eiichi, elbowing his teammate. "I won't lose this time," he said, brow furrowing in determination.

"If you're up against me, you will," Matsuru taunted. "You know your swords can't stand up to my illusions."

Eiichi flushed. Even though Naruto had been with them only a short time, he knew that Matsuru won most spars between the two, since genjutsu was his strong point and Eiichi's weak point. It was a sore subject for Eiichi. He snapped, "None of your genjutsu will matter when I cut you down to size."

"You won't get the chance if you can't break them."

"We have to get through the first two tests first," Naruto broke in, shoulders knit with tension.

His two temporary teammates stared at him like it was a matter of course that they'd advance to the final round. Naruto knew it wasn't that simple. Maybe the written portion of the Exam was easy for _them_, but it had Naruto's stomach twisting in knots.

_What if I leave it blank, like last time_? _What if they fail because of me?_

This wasn't like the Konoha Exam, when Team Seven succeeded despite all expectations that they would fail. Naruto was no longer a rookie; all eyes were on him now. Tsunade had made that very clear, and though she hadn't specifically said so, he knew she would be absolutely furious if he embarrassed Konoha this time around. He couldn't think of anything more humiliating than failing at the first stage.

_I should never have agreed to this_, he thought, beginning to panic. _I won't know any of the answers. I'm too dumb for this._

But it was too late to back out now. A cold sweat broke out on Naruto's hairline as a bored-looking jounin got up to recite the rules.

"You are already seated with your respective teams. You may think that this will give you an excellent opportunity to cheat, but I am here to give you a fair warning. Look along the walls." Naruto did as he was bid, though he knew he'd find the customary chuunin with clipboards seated there. "We are not like the other villages. In Sunagakure, we don't allow for mistakes. Perfection the first time around is a quality we value in our chuunin. Therefore, our proctors will watch your every move, and upon the _first_ instance of cheating detected, you and your entire team will be disqualified from the Exam. There are ten questions on the face-down paper in front of you. To pass the first leg, each team member must answer all ten questions to satisfaction. You have one hour, and I will indicate when half of the allotted time has elapsed. I will also give a ten minute warning. You may flip over your exams and begin."

For a full minute, Naruto left his paper untouched. He had to get _every_ question right or his team failed? He might as well walk out now.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Eiichi's close-cropped sandy-coloured hair bent over his test as he scribbled furiously. Matsuru was calmly filling in blanks with short, confident strokes. Neither of them showed any hesitation.

Unwilling to let them down, Naruto flipped over his exam. As he read the first problem, the pressure in his chest let up a little bit. He could probably do this. It was a cipher, used mainly in espionage. He only had to decrypt it. Jiraiya made liberal use of ciphers in his travels as means of safely passing information. It was something he'd made Naruto study as well, mostly because he could toss his apprentice a complicated cipher and then bung off for awhile to do some "research".

The cipher was annoying, as this particular one was unfamiliar to him, but Jiraiya had forced him to figure out far more complicated codes. Before too long, Naruto cracked it.

Just as he was starting to feel more hopeful, he realised the second question was a math problem. His heart sunk all the way to his stomach. He didn't even know what the stupid thing was asking. That was it. He'd failed.

But he was Uzumaki Naruto and he'd give it an honest try anyway. He wasn't about to start giving up now.

He closed his eyes, concentrating on his distant clones. He'd sent the nerdy-looking one with the glasses to the math section. He just had to find his connection to her; it was difficult, when he couldn't see the clone, but that was why he had made so few and also why he had given them each individual appearances for personal reference. When he had the connection, he sent her the image of the problem and instructed her to look through mathematics textbooks looking for a similar problem and how to solve it. His clone balked, too similar to him to enjoy the idea of boggling her brain with numbers and arithmetic, but grudgingly obeyed. This clone method was a long shot, he knew, but it was all he had.

"Team 57 is disqualified for cheating. Its members should leave the room," a chuunin proctor declared loudly. An annoyed squad from Grass scraped their chairs back and flounced out of the room, arguing amongst their selves about who was at fault.

Trying not to get distracted, Naruto moved on to question number three. He had to read it again in surprise, for it was more practical than any question that had been on his first Konoha Exam. It gave a basic listing of troop types in a hypothetical situation where the examinee was the commander. Defending shinobi were outnumbered by the enemy three to one. There was a geographical map of the area and Naruto had to choose where to stage the battle.

It was simple. The obvious choice was at the bridge over the river, since it was a classic choke point, but he could pick anywhere as long as he could explain his decision. This was easier than he could have imagined.

A quick glance told him that the rest of the problems were in a similar vein. Excellent. He didn't have an issue with tactics, though overall strategy was a bit harder. His only problem was reading all the fancy words that came along with it and knowing what was expected for an answer. If he could come up with his own solution, he was fine.

It felt odd to be sitting in a desk and considering all these hypotheticals. Idly, he wondered if this was what Shikamaru felt like every day and had to bite back a snigger. For Naruto, though, it was easier to just wing it. Going in with fists flying didn't generally work for most people but he usually managed to carry it off anyway. In the field, decisions like the ones he was labouring over now came naturally to him and it was hard to work backwards like this. Still, he toiled on doggedly.

"You have half an hour left to complete the written Exam," the jounin proctor called from the front of the room, lazily cleaning his nails with a blunt kunai.

Naruto looked down with a frown; he hadn't yet reached the halfway mark. He tried to write more quickly, but it was impossible. It only made his already untidy scrawl completely illegible. Frustrated, he formed his kanji with careful strokes. His handwriting looked like a toddler's.

Naruto wished he weren't so stupid. It took him forever to read anything and even longer to write. Jiraiya had never come out and said so, but they both know the real reason he encouraged Naruto to go over the _Icha Icha_ manuscripts was to make him practise reading. Ero-sennin habitually asked Naruto to read the books aloud under the pretence that he needed to hear the work spoken to make sure it was "steamy" enough, but Naruto hadn't missed the way Jiraiya had carefully sounded out any word Naruto struggled with.

Being in this room that really did resemble the Academy he'd grown up in, sitting here taking this test, made him feel like a child again. The memories weren't exactly something he enjoyed recalling.

He hadn't wanted children of his own, though he never imagined he would be in the position to have them. He _didn't_ want children, if they were going to grow up to be dumb like him – especially if they were going to grow up without a father, just like him.

"Ten minute warning."

Naruto stretched out some cramps in his hand before finishing off the last of question number ten, which detailed a potential enemy and asked Naruto to decide which ally should face him based on their respective abilities.

"Team 112 disqualified," said a chuunin proctor to Naruto's left. Quite a few teams had been disqualified so far, but Naruto studiously ignored those that were forced to leave.

Now all that was left was the math question from the beginning. He read it again, but still couldn't make hide nor tail of it, though he did finally realise that it was a trajectory question and therefore asking for a distance. He connected with his clone again, and to his surprise, she actually had located and studied a similar math exercise in one of the library books. He "popped" her and the rest of the clones out of existence with barely a thought, absorbing new knowledge. Shaking his head to clear it of disorientation, he examined the problem for a third time.

"Five minutes to go," the proctor announced.

With as much speed as possible – which wasn't a lot – Naruto began working through the problem. It was painstaking process and he laboured over each step, though he had a nasty suspicion it was meant to be a simple sort of problem that everyone should get.

"Two minutes."

Eiichi and Matsuru were both finished with their exams, twiddling their thumbs in apparent boredom. Naruto didn't know about the rest of the examinees, since he didn't dare look around. A droplet of sweat dripped onto his paper from his nose and he smeared it away angrily.

"One minute."

According to his calculations, the answer was negative seven and a half kilometres. Naruto frowned. He was pretty sure distances weren't supposed to be negative. He skimmed through his equations but had no idea what he'd done wrong. He had no idea what he'd done in the first place, really. He frantically scribbled a new approach in the margin, but his heart was growing heavier with each passing second.

His fears were confirmed when the jounin proctor said, "Put down your pencils and turn your papers over. The first portion of the Chuunin Exam is officially over."

Naruto did as he was bid, but rested his head on his hands in defeat. That was it. There was absolutely no way he'd gotten all those questions right, especially not the math problem. He'd written something for all of them, sure, so he was already doing better than he did last time, but the test was different from last time, too. He was going to fail and so were Eiichi and Matsuru, who hadn't asked to get teamed with such a dunce, and it was all Naruto's fault.

The proctor made his way around the room collecting papers, starting from the front. He collected each team's at once, inspecting each exam critically. After the first team's inspection, he said, "Team 45. Fail."

"What do you _mean_, we failed?" demanded a short, wiry girl with a Suna forehead protector. "We can't have!"

"You left question number one blank. Team 45. Fail," the jounin repeated blandly.

"But, we worked so –" she protested, blinking back tears.

"Don't waste my time or you'll be barred from taking this test again," he barked and the kunoichi shrunk away, cheeks flaming. "Team 45. Fail."

Embarrassed, Team 45 slunk away, comforting each other furtively. The impassive jounin moved on to the next team. They seemed to pass muster, or at least didn't fail outright, because he said nothing to them, only collected their tests.

It went on like this – fail or silence – as the proctor worked his way through the room. Naruto's team – Team 32 – was all the way in the back, and the suspense was cording his muscles into tense ropes as he waited.

Naruto didn't understand. The questions were involved and the answers subjective; there was no way the proctor was determining which answers were correct with such a cursory grading. But if not, then on what grounds was he failing teams?

Finally, the proctor reached Naruto's team. At the end of his quiet scrutiny of their test papers, he simply moved on to the next team. Naruto breathed a huge sigh of relief, though he wasn't yet convinced he'd passed.

When the jounin proctor finished, he returned to the front of the room. All the remaining teams stared at him in apprehensive anticipation. "Well done," he said. "You've all proven you can follow basic instruction."

At this revelation, nervous tittering erupted all around the room, but the man cut off the whispers with a hand signal.

"The only real requirements to clear this stage were discretion and answering every question."

"But you said we had to have them all correct!" a boy protested. Naruto was startled to find that it was Konohamaru. Naruto had been so wrapped up in his own anxiety that he hadn't bothered to find and greet his friend before the test.

"No. I said you had to have them answered to satisfaction. My satisfaction is up to interpretation. You were meant to assume that you would fail without ten correct answers, but ten answers, correct or not, were enough to pass."

A couple of people grumbled loudly at this. "What was the point of even doing it, then?" Ami complained from the front of the room.

Unperturbed, the proctor informed them all, "The content of each of your answers will become important should you pass on to the final tournament, after which your written Exam will be considered as part of your merit as a whole. Until then, though, congratulations on advancing to Stage Two of the Chuunin Exam."

Naruto let out a raucous cheer along with the rest of the successful examinees. Who cares if written tests made him look like an idiot? All he had to do now was kick ass!

* * *

A/N: The Chuunin Exam is officially underway. If this chapter bored you, well, get over it. It's important anyway. There's only so many ways to sauce up writing about a written test. Next chapter: Stage Two begins.

Also, the 100th review was "Bill", who left no contact information so I couldn't give him his reward. Thanks anyway to everyone who dropped me a line! This story has been read over 30,000 times, which is kind of mind boggling to me.


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